Princess
by SVUlover14
Summary: Alex was abducted four years ago. When Olivia and the team find her, they discover that Alex has a daughter. CHAPTER 62 IS UP! A/O Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Background: Previously established A/O, but Alex was abducted four years ago. Olivia is still searching for her, but not very actively, because she knows that finding Alex at this point is unlikely. Still, she will never give up hope!**

"Police! Open up!" called Olivia, drawing her gun as Elliot banged on the basement door. They'd received a tip about a human trafficking organization operating in the area, and a witness had led them to this secluded area, and the basement. The witness said that there were as many as fifty women being transported in and out of this tiny warehouse at a time, and the entire team was ready to make the bust.

When no one answered the door, Olivia nodded to Elliot, and he rammed himself into the door, effectively tearing it down. The two of them ran into the basement with their guns drawn, Fin, John, and the captain close behind.

"Police!" Olivia called again. "We have a warrant to search the premises!"

Still, there was no answer, and the five of them started opening and closing random doors, looking for any sign of human life, praying that someone hadn't tipped the traffickers off and caused them to relocate their captives.

The rooms were mostly bedrooms, stark except for a plain white mattress and a blanket on each. There was no personality to any room until they reached the cellar.

In that room, the detectives found what they'd been looking for. Women, maybe twenty in all, chained and bound, huddled against the dank cellar wall, and men whom the detectives assumed were their captors. There were only six of them, but they surrendered right away, realizing they were cornered and done for, and they'd better cooperate before it was too late.

Fin and John started to unchain the terrified women and help them out to the waiting ambulance, while Elliot, Olivia, and the captain handcuffed and Mirandized the perps. Once they were all outside and waiting in the respective ambulances or police cars, Captain Cragen said, "Elliot, Olivia, I want you to go back and secure the area. Make sure you haven't missed anything, that there's no one left."

Elliot and Olivia went back into the basement, checking every room until they came upon the last one at the end of the corridor. This, too, was a bedroom, but more tastefully furnished than the others. It was larger, and beside the bed was a blanket. There was an ensuite bathroom, too, which was empty.

There was a tiny closet, and when Olivia tried to open the door, she found it locked. "El, it's locked," she said in an undertone. "You think the keys are here somewhere?"

He shrugged. "We won't know till we look."

They rummaged through the dresser drawers, but there was no key. Finally, they looked underneath the mattress, and there it was – a tiny gold key. Olivia tried it in the doorknob, and the door opened.

At first, she didn't see the two tiny figures curled up against the side. All she could see were the torture devices mounted on the wall, whips and collars and chains.

Then she heard a voice – a weak, thready voice, a voice she only heard in her dreams. "Olivia?"

Her breathing hitched, and suddenly Olivia couldn't breathe. It couldn't be – it couldn't be – it _was_.

She looked down, and she noticed the woman and the child lying on the ground. The woman had her arm wrapped tightly, protectively around the little girl, who couldn't have been more than three years old. The child had wispy blonde hair and big blue eyes, and Olivia understood all at once.

There was Alex, after so long, and there, lying in Alex's arms, was a child that could only be her daughter.

**Review for chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Alex!" Olivia gasped and knelt down beside her love, who she'd feared might be dead, who she'd missed for so long. She reached out to her, wanting so much to take Alex into her arms, to feel that comforting warmth against her, but Alex shied away.

Olivia took a good look at her. She was much thinner, her skin was paler, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She was covered in bruises, but still it was _Alex_, and she was coming home!

Alex turned to the little girl, who was whimpering a bit, looking up at Olivia with large, frightened, blue eyes, and pulled her up onto her lap. "Shh, baby," she crooned in the child's ear. "It's okay."

"Alex," said Olivia again, unsure how to go about with this. "Alex, I – I thought – I missed you so much – I love you –" Really, what was there to say at a time like this?

She reached out to Alex again, wanting to hug her, but Alex didn't seem to register her presence. She just kept rocking that little girl in her arms.

"Alex, it's me. It's Olivia. You're safe now." She held out her hand, hoping Alex would come out of that closet at least, because she didn't know how long Alex had been in there, and she needed to go to the hospital and be checked out.

Alex finally looked at her, and instead of doing what virtually every other abductee did once she'd been found – running into her loved one's arms, or even just crying because she was so overwhelmed – she tightened her grip on her daughter.

"Alex, I won't hurt you," whispered Olivia, as it all of a sudden occurred to her that this might just be a dream, and Alex wasn't really here, alive, with her, safe for now. Then she turned her attention to the little girl in Alex's arms. "Is that your daughter?"

"Lily," said Alex, finally, in a flat voice. "Short for Oliviana."

Olivia's heart clenched when she realized that Alex had named her daughter after her. "Sweetie," she tried again. "It's okay. You and Lily can come out of there. There's an ambulance outside, and both of you can go to the hospital – I'll come with if you like, but I don't have to."

Alex kissed the crown of Lily's head and continued in that monotone, as if she hadn't even heard Olivia. "My other baby – he killed it. He made me watch. He made me _help_. His name was Oliver. He made me bury him. But I wouldn't let him hurt Lily."

Olivia almost started to cry at what her poor Alex had endured – and this child, who she'd started to love already, merely because Lily was Alex's, and she looked just like her.

She remembered Elliot, then, and turned to find him standing behind her, frozen as he watched the scene before him. "Liv," he murmured. "I can go get the EMTs."

Olivia shook her head. "No, it's okay," she replied in an undertone. "I got it." She turned back to Alex and Lily, and held out her hand to the little girl. "Hi, Lily," she said. Although she was shaken, she tried to muster that soothing voice she used with children, and it seemed to help. Lily looked a bit less afraid. "I'm Olivia. I'm a police officer, and I'm going to help you and your mommy."

Lily looked at her and blinked. "You're my other mommy," she said softly, and just like that, held her arms out to Olivia.

Olivia lifted the little girl easily into her arms, but the second she took Lily away from Alex, she began to wail. It was a sound unlike anything Olivia had ever heard before – almost animalistic. She had never seen Alex like this, and terror filled her to the core.

In the light, Olivia glanced at Lily. She was bruised too, and her skin was so fair that Olivia could see each of her veins. But she was beautiful, like her mother.

"Alex," said Olivia calmly, hefting Lily onto her hip. "It's okay. It's Olivia. I won't hurt you or Lily."

Lily wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. "Mommy's sick," she said.

Olivia bit her lip and tried not to show Lily her concern. Keeping her voice as light as she could, she asked, "Why do you say that?"

"'Cause the man hurted her. He made her sick."

"What man, Lily?"

"He comes sometimes," she whispered. "Mommy cries. I have to stay in my room."

Olivia glanced at Alex, who was still wailing, then back at Lily. "How old are you, Lily?"

Lily held up four fingers, and Olivia did some quick math. That would mean that Alex got pregnant the week she was kidnapped, or the week after at the latest. Olivia's heart was filled with fear.

"Did your mommy tell you about me?"

Lily nodded. "You're my other mommy. She says you love me, and her, and you'll keep us safe. She said you'd find us and bring us home with you."

"That's right. But first you need to go to the hospital, just to make sure you're not hurt."

"What's a hospital?"

Right. Olivia figured that Lily had never left this _room_, much less than seen a hospital. "It's where you go if you're sick, and they make you feel better."

"Mommy's sick." Lily looked back at Olivia. "The man hurted her."

"Right. So your mommy's going to come with us to the hospital."

"Is it here?"

"No, sweetie, it's not here."

"Then where is it?"

Olivia sighed. She'd forgotten what it was like to converse with four-year-olds. She turned back to Alex. "Alex, baby, you need to come with Lily and I. There's an ambulance waiting outside."

"What's a ambulance?" asked Lily.

"The car that takes you to the hospital," answered Olivia.

Lily scrunched up her nose. "I never went in a _car_."

Olivia held out her hand to Alex, who was still crying. "Sweetie, it's okay. Take my hand. Come on."

When Alex still didn't move, she shifted Lily on her hip and held out both her hands to Alex, helping her to her feet. When she let go, Alex's knees immediately buckled, and she started to fall.

"Alex, I can't carry you. I've got Lily. Elliot will help you." She nodded to Elliot, who was standing in the background, and he took Alex's hand, helping to steady her.

Lily stiffened in Olivia's arms and buried her face in the detective's shoulder. "Who's that?" she whispered.

"This is my friend, Elliot. He's a police officer, too. He's a friend of your mommy's." Seeing Lily's apprehension, she added, "He won't hurt you."

Lily nodded and clung to Olivia. "Mommy, 'Livia's here," she said, looking up at Alex.

Alex didn't say anything, just let Elliot lead her out to the ambulance.

Olivia shielded her girlfriend and Lily from everyone's view, leaving Elliot to answer the captain's questions as she climbed into the ambulance with them.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

Alex screamed as two EMTs tried to put her onto a stretcher, and Olivia waved them away. She held Lily in her lap and tried to take Alex's hand, but Alex was still crying and didn't seem to notice Olivia. She'd curled into herself and wasn't looking at anyone or saying anything.

"Is this a ambulance?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, sweetie," said Olivia, holding Lily tighter.

Lily started to tremble as the ambulance moved. "I don't like it."

Olivia gently rubbed her back. "It'll be over soon, Lily. We're going to the hospital, remember?"

Lily flinched. "Mommy's sick," she repeated.

"I know, sweetie."

Lily climbed off her lap and wrapped her arms around Alex's neck. "Mommy, 'Livia's here," she said again.

Alex took Lily into her arms, but didn't respond verbally. She rocked her daughter back and forth, and it hurt Olivia's heart to watch them, both so broken, so afraid, and yet so beautiful at the same time.

"Alex," she tried once more. "Alex, we can go home soon, you, me, and Lily. We can make up the guest bedroom for her – decorate it the way she likes, paint it pink or purple or – what's your favourite colour, Lily?"

"Pink," she said. "'Cept I never had anything pink before. Just what the man gives Mommy."

"Well, when we get home, you can have your own pink room and your own pink bed and I'll get you a doll if you like, and a teddy bear, and a bunch of books. Whatever you want."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"My favourite's _Oh, The Places You'll Go_. Mommy reads it to me before bed. Can we get that one?"

Olivia vaguely wondered where they'd get books in that hellhouse, but pushed the thought aside. "Of course, sweetie."

"And _Stephanie's Ponytail_? That's Mommy's favourite. She does my hair like Stephanie's."

"Sure. Whatever you want."

Lily grinned. "Yay!"

Olivia looked back at Alex, who was now just whimpering. She tried to stroke Alex's hair, but Alex cringed as if Olivia had hit her, then went very still. It scared Olivia so much that she pulled away. "Sweetheart," she murmured. "It's okay. You're safe now, both of you."

Alex still didn't respond.

Finally the ambulance stopped. They'd arrived at the hospital. One of the EMTs tried to put Alex onto a stretcher, but Alex screamed and fought him, and Olivia glared until the technician slunk away.

"Sweetheart, we're here," said Olivia gently, trying to take Alex's hand.

Alex pulled away and shook her head, hugging her daughter tighter.

"Alex, you and Lily need to go into the hospital to get checked out. Come on."

When Alex didn't answer, Olivia pried her arms open and lifted Lily onto her hip. Alex started to wail again, and then Lily started to cry, too. "Mommy!"

"Lily, it's okay," soothed Olivia. "I'm going to stay with you. You'll see your mommy in a little bit, okay? The doctors need to check you out and make sure you're all right." She turned to one of the EMTs and said in an undertone, "She needs a rape kit. Make sure she's top priority."

She would have stayed with Alex, but she needed to take care of Lily, and she figured Lily would have more difficulty with hospital procedure than Alex.

Lily clung to tightly to Olivia, her eyes fixed on Alex as Olivia carried her out of the ambulance.

Lily gasped when they got outside. "'Livia, is that a castle?"

Olivia chuckled. "No, sweetie. It's the hospital."

"Who lives there?"

"No one. It's where you stay when you're not feeling well, and the doctors make you feel better." She brought Lily into the emergency room, wondering for a moment how the EMTs were doing with Alex, but forcing herself to push the thought from her mind.

"Will they make Mommy better?"

"Yeah, Lily, they will."

"'Livia?"

"Yeah?"

"Is my brother here too?"

Olivia bit her lip. She didn't know what Alex had told Lily, so she didn't know what to say. "What happened to Oliver?" she finally asked.

"I don't know." Lily started to cry. "We're twins, just like Freddie and Flossie. Mommy reads us those books, 'cause she says they were her favourites when she was our age. But one time the man came to get Mommy and he took Oliver, too, and I never got to see him anymore. Mommy said he was in pain, so God took him to heaven. But if he's here, the doctors could make him better."

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but Oliver isn't here. He's in heaven, where God is. Did Mommy tell you about God?"

Lily nodded. "God created everything, even me and you. He takes care of us."

"Right." She spoke to the receptionist and a nurse led her and Lily to a hospital room. Lily gasped when she saw the room.

"Is this all for me?"

Olivia smiled. "Yeah." She set Lily down on the bed. "In a few minutes, a doctor's going to come in, and she's going to look at you to make sure you aren't hurt."

Lily nodded and sat down on the bed, crossing her legs. "Will you read to me?"

"Sure. I'll ask one of the nurses to bring us a book."

A moment later, a nurse whose name was Leanne came into the hospital room with three books for Olivia. Olivia sat down beside Lily on the bed and wrapped an arm around the little girl.

"Which one do you want, sweetie? We have _Miss Nelson Is Missing_, _Where the Wild Things Are_, and _Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse_."

Lily giggled. "The last one. It has my name in it! Well, kind of, 'cause my name's short for Olivianna. Mommy says I'm named after you."

Olivia smiled. "That's right." She opened the book and started to read to Lily, until the door opened, and Lily stiffened in her arms.

"Who's that?" she whispered.

"That's the doctor, honey. She's going to make sure you aren't hurt."

Lily nodded and snuggled closer to Olivia. "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course, Lily."

The doctor came into the room and sat down on the chair beside the bed. "Hi, Lily, Detective Benson. I'm Dr. McCallum."

"Hi," said Lily shyly, giving her a little wave.

"She needs a rape kit," Olivia told her in an undertone. "She hasn't disclosed anything, but we have reason to believe that she may have been sexually abused."

Dr. McCallum nodded and turned to Lily. She gave her a hospital gown and Olivia helped her change into it. There were more bruises covering her body, but Olivia tried not to stare at them. "Lily, I'm going to look between your legs," said the doctor. "It might pinch a little, but it won't hurt."

Lily nodded and opened her legs for the doctor.

Olivia tried not to watch. She took Lily into her arms again and continued the story. Lily scrunched her face up in pain, but she didn't cry.

The doctor looked up at Olivia, and the detective got up. "I'm going to talk to Dr. McCallum for a moment, sweetie. I'll be back in a minute."

Lily started counting to sixty, which made Olivia smile. She stepped aside to talk to Dr. McCallum.

"She wasn't abused," said the doctor quietly. "Or if she was, there isn't any physical evidence. Her hymen's intact and there's no trauma or bruising to the area."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

"I'll check her out, and I'll take care of her if you want to go check on Ms. Cabot. She's in room 329."

Olivia nodded, unable to express her relief that this little girl, whom she loved already, hadn't been violated in the worst way possible.

Of course, Alex hadn't been so lucky.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia told Lily that she was going to check on Alex and she'd be back in awhile, and Dr. McCallum would stay with her. "Will you bring me a candy?" asked Lily.

"Sure," agreed Olivia. "I'll be back in a bit." She kissed Lily's forehead and left the room.

She found her way to Alex's hospital room and rapped gently on the door. She found Alex struggling against a doctor who was trying to do a rape kit. Her hands and ankles were bound to either end of the bed, but still Alex fought the doctor.

Olivia stood there in horror for a moment, then commanded, "Stop," in her iciest voice.

The doctor stepped back and Alex's eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's, glassy with tears. Olivia ran to her side and unbound Alex's hands, then brought each wrist to her lips and kissed it.

"You tied up a _rape victim_?" she hissed at the doctor.

"Detective, she needs a rape kit and she needs to stay still for it. She was kicking and thrashing around – she was going to hurt someone. I tried giving her a sedative, but she wouldn't take it."

"And this is going to hurt her." She released Alex's ankles, but Alex still cringed and tried to squirm away. "Sweetheart," said Olivia evenly. "The doctor needs to take a rape kit. It's very important that you stay still for her. I'll stay with you if you want me to."

"Lily?" Alex finally said, her eyes full of fear.

"Baby, she's fine. She's not hurt. She's a few rooms down and the doctor's with her. She's okay."

"I want – I want Lily."

"You can see her in a little while, baby. After the doctor does a rape kit, I'll bring Lily up here, okay?"

"Now," whimpered Alex.

"Baby, Lily is fine. Now we need to make sure you're fine. You need to let the doctor take a rape kit."

Alex started to cry again, but forced her body to go limp and let the doctor open her legs.

Alex was covered in cuts and bruises and burns – not a single inch of her beautiful alabaster skin was unmarred. Olivia tried to hold her, but Alex pulled away, so Olivia settled for taking her hand and squeezing it tight as the doctor started the rape kit.

* * *

The doctor confirmed that Alex had been raped and sodomized repeatedly with foreign objects, and it was all Olivia could do not to burst into tears. The doctor said she would clean Alex's wounds and prescribe her some antibiotics. "We'll keep her overnight for observation, but there isn't much else we can do for her. You can bring her home tomorrow, Detective."

"Sweetheart," Olivia said gently to Alex, who was still crying. "I'm going to get Lily. I'll be back in a bit, okay?"

Alex rolled onto her side so she was facing away from Olivia and didn't answer. Olivia just sighed, kissed Alex's cheek, and left the room. She felt like she was suffocating, here with the doctor, Alex, and the evidence of her pain.

She went down to the hospital gift shop and bought Lily a couple new outfits, some hair elastics, a chocolate bar, and a Minnie Mouse. She also bought several books and brought them up to Lily's room.

Her face was the picture of delight when Olivia handed her the Minnie Mouse. She hugged it to her chest and grinned at Olivia. "I never had a Minnie Mouse, but Mommy read me some books about Minnie and Mickey. Is she for me?"

Olivia smiled back. "She's all yours. And I got you a few books – oh, and your candy bar." She handed it to Lily, and the little girl beamed as she took a bite.

"Yum yum! Thanks, 'Livia." She broke off a piece. "Want some?"

"No, thanks." She climbed onto the bed beside Lily. "Thanks, Dr. McCallum, for staying with her," she said in an undertone.

"Lily's doing fine, physically. She's malnourished, but that's to be expected. Just keep her hydrated and make sure she eats her fruits and vegetables. Other than that, she's perfectly all right."

"Thanks."

The doctor left and Olivia turned to Lily. "I got you a Minnie Mouse shirt and some new clothes. Let's get you out of that hospital gown."

Lily let Olivia change her into her new clothes, and the detective brushed her hair and pulled it up into pigtails.

"Do you want to go see your mommy now, Lil?"

Lily giggled. "'Kay, Liv."

She clutched the Minnie Mouse to her chest and slipped her hand into Olivia's. The detective led her up to Alex's hospital room.

"Mommy!" cried Lily when she saw Alex, and ran to her.

Alex smiled weakly. "Hi, baby," she said, and pulled Lily into her arms.

Lily bounced on Alex's lap. "Look what Liv got me!" She held out her Minnie Mouse.

Alex looked up at Olivia, quirking an eyebrow in amusement. "Liv?"

Olivia smiled back. Alex looked a bit better, now that she was with her daughter. Maybe she could heal after all.

She sat down on the bed beside Alex and gently stroked her hair. This time, Alex didn't push her away, and Olivia buried her face in Alex's silky blonde tresses. God, she was so beautiful.

"'Livia got me books, too. Look," said Lily, showing Alex the books. "And a candy. And she did my hair for me." She curled up against Alex. "And now I'm with both my mommies."

Her words, simple as they were, brought tears to Olivia's eyes. She kissed Lily's forehead, and snuggled closer to Alex. Here with her girlfriend and her daughter – her _daughter _– finally, after so long, she was happier than she could ever remember being.

Suddenly, Lily sat up. "Mommy, is the man going to be here?"

Alex's frightened eyes flickered up to Olivia, and the detective said quickly, "No, sweetie. The man's never going to hurt either of you again."

"Promise?" Her fear-filled eyes mirrored Alex's.

"Promise." Olivia bit her lip. "Lily, can you tell me about the man?"

"Mommy calls him 'Master,'" said Lily. "She cries after he comes, and she makes me stay in my room. But he brings me clothes, and books sometimes. He told me he was my daddy, but Mommy says I don't have a daddy. I have two mommies." She climbed into Olivia's lap and leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "He gives Mommy bruises."

Olivia glanced at Alex, who was staring into space, her eyes glazed over. "How does he give Mommy bruises?" she asked Lily.

"I don't know, but one time I looked through the hole in the door and Mommy and the man weren't wearing any clothes. Mommy was crying, and the man was on top of her. One time, he hit her with his belt, and when she came back into my room, she was bleeding, and she wouldn't let me kiss it better. She was crying."

Olivia looked at Alex again and saw the blonde had started to tremble. She kissed the base of Alex's neck, but the blonde flinched and squirmed away from Olivia.

"Baby, it's okay," she said quietly. "No one's going to hurt you anymore, I promise."

Alex rolled back over and held out her arms. "Lily –"

Lily lay down in Alex's arms again. "I love you, Mommy," she said, giving Alex a sloppy kiss. She brought her Minnie Mouse up to Alex's cheek. "Minnie loves you, too." She hugged Minnie to her chest.

Olivia lay down beside them and wrapped her arms around Alex. The blonde stiffened, but she didn't pull away. She just held her daughter tighter.

Within minutes, Lily was asleep, her even breathing tickling Olivia's chin. Olivia moved closer to Alex to murmur in her ear. "I know you're hurting, sweetheart, and I know you're scared, but I'm here, and I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. You or Lily. We can go home tomorrow, and we're going to be a family again."

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia must have fallen asleep too, because she woke up to find Lily crying and Alex trying to soothe her. Lily was latched onto Alex and sobbing for someone not to hurt her. "I'm okay, baby," Alex said, and kissed Lily's forehead. "It's okay."

"No, Mommy! I won't let him hurt you."

"Lily, no one's trying to hurt me. We're in the hospital, remember?"

Lily clung to Alex. "Mommy. Mommy!"

"Alex –" Olivia sat up and held out her arms. "Come here, princess," she said softly, taking Lily onto her lap and rocking her gently back and forth. "It's okay, Lily. I'm here. No one's going to hurt you or your mommy. You're safe."

"The man," whimpered Lily, burying her face in Olivia's shoulder. "He came while I was sleeping, and he made Mommy come with him, and Oliver. He pulled Mommy's hair. He leaved the door open, and he had a gun. He pointed it at Mommy, and he told her to hurt Oliver or else he'd kill her. She was crying and she said she wouldn't hurt him, but then he hit her, and I was screaming –" She burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "Don't let him hurt Mommy!"

"I won't, princess. I promise you, no one will hurt you or your mommy ever again."

Her tiny body started to calm in Olivia's arms and she curled into the detective. "You called me _princess_."

"You're _my _princess," said Olivia lightly, coaxing a smile from the little girl in her arms.

Lily sniffled and held out her hand to Alex. "Mommy," she repeated.

Alex was staring off into the distance again and didn't seem to hear. She didn't confirm or deny what Lily had just told Olivia, and that broke Olivia's heart. Both of them had been hurt so much.

Alex suddenly spoke, her voice flat and hollow. "He singled me out on the first day. He said I was too pretty to be with the other women, that I would be his wife. He made me marry him. Not legally, but he made me sign a contract that said I was his, only his, to do with what he liked. He kept me in the closet, except when he was raping me or beating me. And then – then I had Lily and Oliver. He wouldn't get me a doctor – I almost died. And he only wanted Lily. Oliver – he made me kill him. And when I argued, he punished me. He electrocuted me – between my legs. He made me wear his collar. And Lily."

"It was a game, Mommy." Lily looked up at her through wide eyes. "Like dress-up. He wanted me to be a puppy."

"My baby." Alex started to cry. "What did he do to you?"

"Don't cry, Mommy," said Lily, wrapping her arms around Alex and smoothing her hair. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry."

"Oh, baby." Alex buried her face in Lily's hair to muffle her cries, and Olivia's heart clenched.

"You're safe now, Alex," said Olivia quietly, starting to rub Alex's back. The blonde cringed, but gradually relaxed under Olivia's gentle touch.

"I tried to be a good mother," she whispered, still holding Lily tightly.

"You _are _a good mother, Alex. We have a beautiful little girl, who loves you more than anything. You've done the best you could for her."

"It's not enough." She started to cry again. "I wanted her to have everything."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand. "And now she will."

"I had a _son_. I killed him. What good mother kills her own child?"

"Alex, you didn't have a choice. He would have killed you, and Oliver, and maybe even Lily. And even if he didn't, Lily would grow up without a mother."

"She'd have you. She'd be better off."

Olivia glanced at Lily, who had curled into Alex. She wasn't listening to either of them, just taking in the warmth that Alex was offering. "She wouldn't be better off," Olivia told Alex quietly. "She loves you, baby."

"No, she loves _you_."

Olivia smiled sadly. "There's enough room in that heart of hers to love both of us."

Alex wiped at her tears. "But I – I couldn't protect her. That's a mother's job. You would never let anyone hurt her, or me. I failed. She saw him hurt me, and Oliver – all she'll remember is that I couldn't protect her, or her brother. They were _twins_, Liv. They were best friends."

"Sweetheart, if we do our jobs right, she won't remember this. Maybe just a bit, but we'll give her all the love she needs, and she won't even remember Oliver, or the man who hurt you, or any of this. She's only four, Alex. Do you remember everything that happened when _you _were four?"

"No, but I'd remember a trauma like this."

"Alex . . ." She trailed off when she saw Alex's shoulders start to shake with her sobs. She settled for gently rubbing her girlfriend's back and kissing the base of her neck. "Alex, I love you."

Alex smiled through her tears. "I know."

"And I love our daughter."

Alex kissed Lily's hair. "She's just like you, Liv. So strong. Fearless, really." She hugged her daughter tighter. "She always tries to take care of me, like you do. She's only four – she shouldn't, but she does. And she's so smart. She wants to know about everything. I read to her, when I could. She loves books. I taught her to read, too." She smiled again. "My pride and joy."

Lily yawned and rolled onto her side so she was facing Olivia. She smiled sleepily, and Olivia's heart melted. Lily was so beautiful, just like Alex. Her eyes, heavy as they were now, had the same cerulean hue, the same sparkle when she smiled. That sparkle – Alex had lost it.

Olivia looked at Alex. "Can I hold you?" she murmured.

Alex hesitated, but she finally nodded and shifted so Olivia could wrap her arms around her. With her two beautiful girls in her arms, Olivia finally let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"I love you," she said, quietly, to both of them.

Lily snuggled closer to her mothers. "I love you, too, 'Livia," she whispered, and then to Alex, "And I love you, Mommy."

Alex just sighed.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Olivia signed Alex and Lily out of the hospital. It was a beautiful day outside, sunny and warm, and the second Lily stepped outside she broke into a huge grin. "Mommy, look!" she said, pointing at the sky, the cars, the taxi cabs whizzing past. She turned to Olivia. "The yellow things – what are they? Are they cars?"

"They're taxis," explained Olivia. "They're a special kind of car. If you put your hand out, one of them will stop for you, and they'll take you wherever you want to go."

"Can we take one?"

"Sure, Lil."

Lily beamed.

Olivia glanced at Alex, who was shielding her eyes from the sun. "That okay, baby?" she asked in an undertone.

Alex ducked her head and didn't say anything.

Olivia gave her hand a squeeze and hailed a cab. She held open the door for Alex, who shivered but climbed inside. Olivia lifted Lily in and sat her down between herself and Alex.

Lily stiffened when she saw the cab driver, and Olivia said quietly, "Lily, that's the taxi driver. When we give him our address, he will drive us home. He won't hurt you or your mommy."

Lily nodded and rested her head in Olivia's lap as the detective gave the cab driver their address.

Olivia took Alex's hand. "You all right?" she murmured.

Alex leaned her head against the windowsill and didn't answer.

Olivia started to play with Lily's hair, and the little girl smiled. "The taxi is better than the ambulance," she said.

"It's the ambulance's job to take people to the hospital, so they get to go through red lights and other cars pull over for them. Regular cars have to stop at red lights and stop signs and they don't have sirens like the ambulance," said Olivia.

"Yeah. I like this better." Lily yawned. "Where are we going?"

"Home, baby."

"Where's home?"

Olivia's breath caught in her throat and she swallowed hard. "Your mommy and I have an apartment about ten minutes away from here. It's your home, too, now."

"A whole 'partment? All for us?"

"Yeah, princess. All for us."

Lily sat up and grinned at Alex. "Mommy! A 'partment all for us!"

Alex didn't respond. She just stared out the window, still trembling.

Olivia reached out and gently rubbed Alex's back. Alex flinched, but there was nowhere for her to run. She just started to cry, and Olivia pulled away as if she'd been burned. "I'm sorry, angel," she whispered, absolutely brokenhearted. Alex was _afraid _of her.

"Mommy, don't cry," whispered Lily, wrapping her arms around Alex. "Don't be sad. We're going home. Me, you, and 'Livia. And the man isn't going to hurt you. 'Livia said."

Alex clung to Lily, squeezing her tightly until Lily squealed and attempted to extricate herself from Alex's grasp.

"Mommy, you're squishing me!" she said, giggling.

Alex released her immediately and leaned her head against the window again. She didn't even try to hold in the tears.

Lily looked up at Olivia, eyes wide. "What did I do?" she asked softly, so sad and innocent that it physically hurt Olivia's heart.

"Nothing, Lily," she replied, matching Lily's quiet tone. "You didn't do anything wrong. Your mommy is . . ." She trailed off. How could she explain shock to a four-year-old? "Your mommy went through something really, really scary. And now, even though she's safe and no one will ever hurt her – or you – again, she's still afraid. So what we need to do is just make sure she knows we love her and try to be patient, so she knows she's safe and she doesn't have to be scared anymore. Can you do that, Lily?"

Lily nodded. She snuggled close to Alex and laid her Minnie Mouse on Alex's lap, wrapping her mother's hands around the toy. "It's okay, Mommy," she whispered. "You don't have to be scared. But you can hold onto Minnie, and she'll make you feel better. She made me feel better."

Olivia felt tears rushing to her eyes. If only she could see the world with such simplicity.

The taxi stopped in front of their apartment, and Olivia paid the driver. She lifted Lily onto her hip and walked around to the other side of the cab. She held the door open for Alex and helped the blonde out of the car. "It's okay, sweetheart," said Olivia quietly as Alex began to tremble. "We're home, angel. We're home."

Lily looked up at the apartment and gasped. "Is this a castle?" she asked, eyes wide.

Olivia chuckled. "No, sweetie. This is where we live. Not the whole place, but we have an apartment here."

Lily beamed. "Wow." Olivia put her down, and she clung to Alex's hand as they went inside.

When they reached the apartment, Alex just stood in the doorway for a moment, clinging to Lily's hand.

"Are you okay, Alex?" asked Olivia in an undertone.

Alex didn't answer, and Olivia sighed. She opened the door and Lily's eyes went round as saucers. "You _live _here?"

"So do you, princess," said Olivia, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Mommy!" Lily tugged on Alex's hand. "Mommy, show me your room!"

Alex didn't move, so Olivia took Lily's other hand and led her toward the bedroom. "This is where your mommy and I sleep," she said.

Lily smiled. "Your room is really nice." She bounced on the bed, then got up and walked toward the closet. "Is this where I sleep?"

Olivia's heart clenched. "No, baby. This is the closet. It's where the clothes sleep."

Lily's eyes widened. "You have a whole 'nother room just for _clothes_?"

"Yeah, sweetie. Do you want to see your room?"

Lily grinned. "Yeah!"

Olivia led her toward her bedroom. "It isn't all done up, but in a few days we'll take you out, and you can get princess sheets and we can paint your room pink if you like, and I'll get you a bookshelf and some new books, and some new clothes."

Lily gasped when she saw the bedroom. "This is all for me?"

"Yeah, sweetie. All for you."

Lily beamed and planted a sloppy kiss on Olivia's cheek. "I love you, 'Livia."

"I love you, too, princess."

Lily climbed onto her bed and yawned. "I'm tired. Can I go to sleep?"

"Of course. I'll come get you for dinner, okay?" Olivia tucked her into bed and handed her the Minnie Mouse, but Lily shook her head.

"Mommy can have Minnie. She needs her more than I do."

Olivia smiled weakly. "Thanks, sweetie." She kissed Lily's forehead. "Do you want the door open or closed?"

"Open, please."

"Okay. Nighty night."

Lily giggled. "Day-y day."

Olivia chuckled. "Day-y day."

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia went back into the living room, where Alex was standing exactly where she'd left her, still trembling. "Come here, baby," she said quietly, and opened her arms for her girlfriend.

Alex ducked her head and turned away. She curled up on the floor beside the couch, rocking herself back and forth as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Olivia knelt down beside her. "Lily's asleep," she said, answering Alex's silent question. "It's just you and me now, sweetheart. It's okay." She handed Alex her daughter's Minnie Mouse. "Lily wanted me to give this to you."

Alex hugged the Minnie Mouse to her chest. "Lily," she whispered.

"Baby, I told you, Lily's asleep. She's fine."

Alex rolled onto her side and tried to still her shaking body. She wanted to tell Olivia to leave her alone, but this was Olivia's apartment and it wasn't Alex's right to tell her where she could or couldn't go. So she just buried her head in her hands as she cried.

"Alex, what can I do to help you?" asked Olivia, reaching out to stroke Alex's hair. The blonde cringed and went very still, but she didn't push Olivia away.

Olivia tried not to cry herself. "Sweetheart, I love you, and I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better."

"Nothing," whispered Alex, tensing her muscles, preparing them for whatever Olivia might do to her for saying this. "You can't save me, Liv. I'm already dead."

"No, Alex. You're _not_. I know you're in a lot of pain. You've been hurt really badly, and I understand how difficult it is for you to trust me, and believe that I really love you and want to help you. But Alex, I do. You and I and Lily are going to be a family, and we're going to be okay."

"How can you love me now?" Alex whimpered.

Olivia sighed. She tried to hold Alex, but the blonde stiffened and she could tell she was making Alex uncomfortable, so she pulled back. "No matter what happened to you, you are still my Alex and I will always love you. What happened to you doesn't make me love you any less. What that man did to you, and what he made you do, wasn't your fault. You are _brave_, Alex, because you got through it. You held on. You survived, and now you and Lily are home, and no one's going to hurt either of you ever again."

This time when Olivia reached out to her, Alex melted into the detective's embrace. She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and let Olivia soothe her tears.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "You're beautiful, Alex," she murmured, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "So, so beautiful."

They both looked up when a scream came from the other room. "Lily," whispered Alex, trying to extricate herself from Olivia's grasp.

Olivia let go. "It's okay, baby. I'll go see what's wrong."

"No – Liv –" She handed Olivia the Minnie Mouse.

Olivia smiled weakly and caressed Alex's cheek. "Thanks, sweetie."

She ran into Lily's room and found the little girl curled up on the closet floor and crying. "Mommy," she whimpered through her tears. "Don't hurt my mommy!"

Olivia sighed and knelt down beside her. Going from one of her girls to the other and back again was quickly taking its toll on her. "Lily," she said quietly, taking the little girl's hand. "Nobody's going to hurt your mommy. She's safe, and so are you. You're home, princess. I'm here." She wrapped Lily's arms around her Minnie Mouse. "Here you go, baby."

Lily opened her eyes and looked up at Olivia. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's in the living room, Lily. No one's going to hurt her." She held out her arms and Lily walked into them, holding tight to Olivia as she sobbed.

Olivia lifted Lily onto the bed and sat down beside her. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Lily nodded, her eyes wide and full of tears.

"Can you tell me what it was about?"

"The man hurted Mommy." Lily climbed onto Olivia's lap and the detective gently rubbed her back.

"How did he hurt her, sweetheart?"

Lily buried her head in Olivia's shoulder. "Between her legs. He put something there – I don't know what it was, but Mommy was crying. She was begging for him to stop, but he wouldn't. He had a remote, like you have for a TV or a CD player. He pressed a button and it made Mommy scream." She began to cry again. "I tried to go help her, but the man pushed me. He hurted me. And then he took me away from Mommy."

Olivia's heart constricted. "Where did he take you?"

"To a room. It was cold, and dark. It was scary. I was all by myself, and he made me be his puppy again. He put a collar on me, and a leash. There was a cage, like for puppies, and he put me in it. He put the leash on the cage so I couldn't move. When I tried to move, the collar hurt my neck, like when you put your finger in a 'lectrical plug, only worse. He made me stay there." She sniffled. "He put Mommy there sometimes, too."

Olivia was at a loss for words. There was a lump in her throat so large that she was finding it difficult to breathe. "Oh, sweetheart," was all she could say.

Lily raised her head, and she looked so brokenhearted that Olivia wanted to cry. "I'm sorry, 'Livia. I tried to help Mommy so the man wouldn't hurt her, but then he hurted me, and he hurted her worse. He said he had to punish her, to teach me a lesson. It's my fault."

"No, princess. It wasn't your fault. It absolutely _wasn't _your fault. You tried to help your mommy, and not many kids would do that. You were really, really brave, Lil, and I am so proud of you." She kissed the crown of Lily's head. "I know your mommy is proud of you, too."

Lily shook her head. "But when the man let me go back to Mommy, she wouldn't look at me, or hold me, even when I had bad dreams. She didn't talk to me. She just cried all the time. 'Cause of me."

"No, Lily. That wasn't because of you. She was just afraid, sweetie, and she was hurting. I'm sorry if your mommy ever made you feel like it was your fault, but I know she didn't mean to, and I want you to know that what happened to both of you was _never _your fault." Even though she hated it – not what Alex had done, but how she'd made Lily feel – she understood it. Alex must have been so ashamed, that she hadn't protected her daughter, that Lily had been hurt so badly, that she couldn't stop it. That her daughter had been put in a _cage_, and made to wear what Olivia could only assume was a shock collar.

And Alex had been hurt so much, too.

How could she help her two beautiful girls? They were both in so much pain, and Olivia didn't know what she could do for them.

Olivia held Lily close, gently stroking her hair. "I love you," she said, because it was all she could say. There were no words for this.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia spent the next few hours cuddling with her girls. Alex lay down on her left side and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, and Lily lay her head on Olivia's stomach as the detective read her _If You Give A Mouse A Cookie_, which she'd borrowed from their neighbors across the hall, who had a three-year-old son. When she finished, Lily insisted that she read it again, and again, and again, and finally, when she'd read the book a grand total of nine times, she chuckled and said, "My throat's getting sore, sweetheart. Why don't you read the book to me instead?"

Lily giggled. "Okay." She took the book from Olivia. "If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll probably ask for a glass of milk," she said, then grinned at Olivia. "And when you give him that glass of milk, you will spend the whole day trying to give him the other million billion things he asks for after you give him that cookie. The end."

Olivia laughed. "That seems like a much better ending." She turned to Alex and kissed her cheek. "We have a very, very smart girl here. You taught her well."

Lily beamed and gave Olivia a sloppy kiss. "Thank you for reading to me," she said politely.

Olivia smiled at her. "My pleasure, sweetheart."

She made dinner for the three of them, even though Lily and Alex only ate a few bites. Olivia didn't feel bad, because she knew they hadn't been fed properly while they were with the monster that had hurt them, and it would take a while for their bodies to adjust. She cleaned up and went into the living room, where Lily and Alex were curled up on the couch, watching Bugs Bunny on television.

She sat down on the edge of the couch and Alex propped her feet up in her lap. Olivia smiled and gave her a foot rub. Alex used to love foot rubs, and she would rest her feet in Olivia's lap and give her puppy dog eyes whenever she wanted one. Alex flinched at first, but then she relaxed into the touch and smiled weakly as Olivia massaged her feet.

Minutes turned into peaceful hours that the three of them spent in silence. Olivia let Alex put her head in her lap, and Alex let Olivia stroke her hair.

Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. "I love you, baby," she said, and rested her cheek on the top of Alex's head.

Alex didn't reciprocate, but Olivia knew that in time, she would. And she was willing to wait.

When she heard Lily begin to lightly snore, she smiled slightly and gently tapped Alex's head. "I think our daughter's sleeping," she said softly. "I'll go put her in bed. Can you sit up for me?"

Alex raised her head and nodded. She let go of Lily and Olivia took the little girl into her arms. Lily stirred, and Olivia kissed her forehead.

"It's okay," she murmured. "I know you're tired, Lil. You can go back to sleep. I'll tuck you in."

Lily slightly inclined her head and curled sleepily toward Olivia. "Mm hm."

Olivia smiled and carried Lily into her bedroom. She tucked her beneath the sheets and kissed her daughter's cheek. "'Night, sweetie," she said, brushing Lily's hair back from her forehead. "I love you."

Lily turned onto her side, still caught in the spiral curl of sleep. "Mm."

With one last smile at her sleeping daughter, Olivia went back out to the living room with Alex. "She's asleep."

Alex looked exhausted, too. Her eyes were closed and she'd rested her head on the arm of the couch.

Olivia sat down beside Alex. "You look tired," she observed. "Ready for bed?"

Alex started to tremble, but she nodded and obediently took Olivia's outstretched hand, and let Olivia lead her to the bedroom.

"Here you go, baby," she said, setting out some long-sleeved pajamas for Alex.

Alex glanced at Olivia and then at the ground. Keeping her eyes on the floor, she began to undress. When she'd taken off all her clothes, she lay down on the bed and spread her legs for Olivia, clasping her hands above her head and gripping the headboard. Her eyes were wide with fear, and she was shivering, but she didn't cry.

Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "Alex, it's okay. You don't need to –" But Alex wasn't listening. She was focused on a miniscule spot on the wall, and didn't seem to be hearing a word Olivia said.

Olivia gently closed Alex's legs and kissed her forehead. Alex still didn't move, and Olivia picked up her pajamas and helped Alex slide her legs into them.

"It's okay," she repeated, taking Alex's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I won't hurt you, baby. You're safe."

Alex started, and she sat up in bed. She buried her head in her hands and started to rock back and forth. "I'm sorry," she whispered, over and over. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Olivia sighed and sat down beside Alex on the bed. "It's okay, sweetie. You don't have to be sorry. I understand how hard this is for you, and I promise I'll do whatever I can to help."

"I didn't – please don't – I'm sorry," she whimpered, continuing to rock herself and nearly falling off the bed.

Olivia laid a gentle hand on Alex's shoulder to still her and prevent her from falling. "Sweetheart, I need you to calm down. I don't want you to hurt yourself. You need to breathe. Take a deep breath . . . one . . . two . . . three . . . good girl. Now let it out. There you are, baby. You're okay."

Alex collapsed in Olivia's arms, physically and emotionally worn out. She tried to focus on her breathing, and Olivia kept a hand on the small of her back to steady her.

"It's okay," Olivia soothed, holding Alex close as the blonde took a deep breath. She gently rubbed Alex's back. "I love you, Alex. It's okay."

Alex began to cry. "No, it's not."

"Sweetheart, I need you to calm down. I know you're upset, and I know you're afraid, but you have to relax. Deep breaths, okay?"

Alex tried to breathe, and Olivia tenderly brushed away her tears as her breathing returned to normal. "Good girl," she said soothingly, and cradled Alex's head against her chest. "It's okay. I won't hurt you."

Alex extricated herself from Olivia's grasp and curled up on her side. "I'm okay," she whispered. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Hey, don't be sorry. I will do whatever it takes to help you, Alex. This isn't your fault and you never have to be sorry for it." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

Alex lowered her eyes in shame. "Yes, please, ma'am."

Olivia sighed. "Alex, you don't have to call me _ma'am_. I'm not any better than you. You're my girlfriend, and we're equal. You call me _Olivia _and I call you _Alex_, just as we always have."

Alex buried her head in a pillow. "Not anymore."

"Baby, I know you've been through a lot, and you're having a hard time, but we'll get through it _together_, I promise. If you ever want to talk, I'm here, and I'll do whatever I can to help you."

Alex shook her head. "You can't help me. No one can."

"Sweetheart, it might take time, but we're going to be okay. We have to be. Our daughter needs us."

"But I can't – I hurt her – I let him hurt her."

Olivia sighed again and lightly patted Alex's back. "I'll go make you a cup of tea, Alex. I'll be back in a few minutes, and then we can talk."

Alex didn't answer, and Olivia took her lack of response as tacit permission. She went into the kitchen and made Alex a cup of tea. She waited for the water to boil, she went into the living room and found a blanket, which she put into the dryer to warm for a few minutes. When the tea was ready, she took out the blanket and brought both the blanket and the tea back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed beside Alex.

"Be careful," she said gently, handing the mug to Alex. "It's hot."

"Thank you," whispered Alex, and took a sip.

Olivia smiled weakly and wrapped the warm blanket around Alex's shoulders. "You feeling a bit better, baby?" she asked after a few moments.

Alex nodded. "Thank you," she repeated.

Olivia started to gently rub her back, and this time, Alex let her. "Do you want to talk?" she asked.

Alex shook her head and took another sip of tea. "No. Will you just – will you hold me?"

She sounded so small and vulnerable that Olivia felt her stomach clench, and she wanted to murder the men who had hurt Alex so badly that she was afraid Olivia wouldn't still love her. "Of course," she said quietly, and took Alex into her arms.

Neither one of them slept at all that night, but they stayed like that until morning, Olivia holding Alex, making sure Alex knew she was safe.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia was almost asleep when she heard little feet pattering around the apartment. She kissed the top of Alex's head. "I'm going to see what Lily wants."

As Olivia let go of Alex and started to get off the bed, Alex began to whimper and curled up on her side.

Olivia sighed. "Okay, sweetheart. You want to have breakfast with us?"

Alex nodded and took Olivia's hand.

Olivia kissed her hair and the two of them went to find Lily.

Lily was sitting on the couch, reading _If You Give A Mouse A Cookie _out loud to herself. "And chances are if you give him a cookie, he'll want a glass of milk to go with it. The end." She smiled up at Alex and Olivia. "'Morning, Mommy. 'Morning, 'Livia."

"Hi, Lily," said Olivia, sitting down beside Lily. "Did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah. So did Minnie," she said with a gap-toothed grin. "Do you got any more books? I already finished this one twice."

"Actually, I was thinking that we could go out today and get you some new clothes and some stuff for your room. We can stop by the bookstore, too, if you want. Or the library."

"Mommy, too?"

Olivia glanced at Alex. "Do you want to come? It's okay if you don't, but we'd be happy to have you along."

Alex took a deep breath and sat down on Lily's other side. She kissed Lily's forehead and didn't answer.

"If you don't want to come out, you don't have to stay by yourself. I can call Elliot to come stay with you, or Abbie or Serena. I'm sure they'd be happy to see you." She knew Alex might have a difficult time coming out so soon, but she knew Alex probably wouldn't want to stay by herself either. Nevertheless, Lily needed some new clothes at the very least, and Olivia wanted to buy her some books and toys, too. She knew Lily had never had a doll before, and she was excited to buy one for her.

Alex still didn't respond, just started to run her fingers through Lily's hair. The little girl rested her head in Alex's lap and beamed, clearly glad for the affection her mother was offering.

Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex. "Sweetheart, just tell me what you want to do."

Alex finally raised her head. "Eat," she said, coaxing a smile from Olivia.

"Okay, baby. I'll start breakfast. Do you want pancakes, or I can make French toast, or just cereal?"

Alex shrugged.

"What cereal do we have?" asked Lily.

"Froot Loops, I think. And Rice Krispies, and Shreddies, and cookies and cream oatmeal. My secret vice." She gave Alex a sheepish smile. "I know you don't like having that crap in the house – whoops, I mean that junk food – but I was having a craving."

Alex managed a small smile in return. "It's okay."

"Would you like some, Lily?" Olivia asked her.

Lily nodded and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Will you make me some?"

"Sure. It'll only take a minute. Why don't you go sit down in the kitchen?"

Lily jumped off the couch and scampered toward the kitchen.

Olivia laughed and held out her hand to Alex. "You coming, baby?"

Alex took Olivia's hand and let the detective lead her into the kitchen.

Olivia put the milk in the microwave for the oatmeal and turned to Alex. "Do you want some cereal, Alex?"

"No. I think I'll just have a banana – if we have them. I seem to recall that healthy eating isn't one of your priorities."

Olivia smiled. "Hey, I'm a busy woman. I grab what I can, when I can. It's your job to keep me on track." She tossed Alex a banana.

Alex caught the banana and started to peel it. "Thanks," she said, and took a bite.

Olivia gave Lily a bowl of oatmeal and set out a spoon for her. "Here you go, Lil."

"Thanks, Liv," said Lily with a smile. She took a spoonful and grinned up at Olivia. "Yummy!"

"Glad you like it, sweetie," said Olivia, giving Lily's hand a squeeze.

Lily leaned against Olivia, and the detective wrapped an arm around her.

They finished breakfast and Alex helped Olivia clean up. When they were done, Olivia turned back to Alex. "Do you want to come shopping with us, or do you want to call Abbie or Serena and see if they want to come over?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't need a babysitter. I'll stay by myself."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," snapped Alex. "I'm not a baby, Olivia."

"Okay," said Olivia, her voice lower and gentler in contrast to Alex's harsh tone. "Sweetie, I just want to make sure you're okay. If you need anything, you can call me, and I'll come straight home, no matter what."

"I won't. Go take Lily out. No need to stay here with me," she said bitterly.

Olivia sighed, understanding Alex's need for independence, even though she wasn't sure she liked it. "Okay, as long as you're sure."

"I am." With that, Alex got to her feet and marched out of the room. Olivia winced when she heard the bedroom door slam. Her poor Alex was in so much pain, and this was the only way she knew to express it.

Lily looked up at Olivia through wide eyes and climbed into her lap. "'Livia, why is Mommy mad?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "She's not mad, princess. She's just – I think she's in a lot of pain right now, and she doesn't really know how to express it. We just need to show her how much we love her, and it may take time, but then she'll start to feel better."

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth and got up off Olivia's lap. She trotted toward the master bedroom and went inside. Olivia followed, staying a few steps back so as to give the two of them a small sense of privacy.

Lily sat down on the bed beside Alex, who was curled up in the fetal position, staring at the wall. "I love you, Mommy," she said, and wrapped her arms around her mother. She kissed her cheek. "We don't have to go out. I can stay with you."

Alex sighed. "No, it's okay, sweetheart. You and Olivia go shopping. At the very least, you need some new clothes."

"I don't want to leave you by yourself. You'll be lonely."

Alex smiled weakly. "I'll be fine, Lily. Don't worry about me."

Lily chewed on her lower lip. "Okay." She handed Alex her Minnie Mouse and wrapped Alex's arms around it. "You can have her, Mommy." She gave Olivia her most winning smile. "'Livia will buy me a new one."

Alex chuckled. "Look, Liv, you've created a monster!"

"Hey, I like to spoil my girls," said Olivia, coming further into the room and ruffling Alex's hair.

Alex closed her eyes and smiled, leaning her head back against Olivia. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

"It's okay, baby. I know you didn't mean it." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Sweetheart, I know you're in a lot of pain. I just wish you would talk to me, and let me help you. I know it's hard, but I don't like seeing you hurting."

Alex buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. "It's hard for me," she mumbled.

"I know, baby. I know it's hard. But you are the bravest person I know, and you can do this. Look at how far you've come already."

Alex raised her head and smiled sadly. "Because of you."

Olivia nodded and took Alex's hands. "We're in this together, Alex."

Alex sighed and bit her lip. She gave Olivia another hug. "You take Lily out, get her some new clothes." She smiled wryly. "And a new Minnie Mouse if she wants. I'll see you when you get back."

"You'll be okay?"

Alex nodded and kissed Lily's hair. The little girl was fidgeting, and Alex gave her a smile. "I think someone's eager to get on the road. Have a good time, okay?"

Olivia gave Alex a quick kiss. "I'll try not to be too long."

Alex waved a dismissive hand. "It's fine. Take Lily out for lunch, Olive Garden maybe. That used to be our favourite place."

Olivia turned to Lily. "Do you want to go out for lunch?"

"Like to a rest'raunt?"

"Yup."

Lily grinned. "Yes, please!"

"Okay. Let's go."

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

Lily and Olivia returned several hours later, Lily chattering excitedly as she skipped to the master bedroom where Alex was lying down in her bed and reading a book. "Mommy," she cried, jumping on the bed and curling up beside her mother. "Look what 'Livia buyed for me!" She held up an American Girl doll with long blonde hair and blue eyes. "Her name is Sara, like Sara Crewe in _A Little Princess_. 'Member when you readed that one to me? And 'Livia buyed me new clothes, and pajamas, and a coat, and new shoes! Look!" She showed her mother the shoes. "They light up when you stamp your feet, and see, they're pink! And my coat is really warm. It's purple. And 'Livia got me new princess sheets and we have pink paint, so we can paint my room this weekend, and 'Livia says I can help. We can all do it together! And we went to the library and got a bunch of books, and videos too! I got _Magic Tree House _and _Little House on the Prairie_. Will you read those ones with me?"

Alex smiled. "Sure, sweetie. I'm glad you had a good time."

Olivia came into the room and chuckled as Lily opened her mouth again. "Give your mommy a moment to breathe, Lil."

Alex shook her head. "It's okay. So did you go out for lunch?"

"Yeah! We went to a rest'raunt, the Olive Garden, I think it's called. I got spaghetti, and it was yummy! And 'Livia said it was okay for me to have a milkshake. And we got ice cream for dessert!"

Alex laughed. "I think you really _are _spoiling her, Liv."

Olivia shrugged. "Just a bit. She never had ice cream before."

Alex smiled weakly. "I know. It's fine."

Lily handed Alex a teddy bear. "I got this for you. Well, really 'Livia did, but I chose him."

"Thanks, sweetie," said Alex, kissing the crown of Lily's head. "So you can have your Minnie back."

Lily grinned and bounced on the bed. "I got a teddy, too, so ours are twins! What's yours called?"

"What did you name yours?"

"Teddy," said Lily, pulling out her own teddy bear and hugging him to her chest.

"Then why don't I call mine Theo?"

Lily giggled. "Theo and Teddy. I like it."

Olivia sat down on the bed beside Alex and started to gently rub her back. "You want to help Lily and I do her room this weekend?"

Alex nodded and kissed Olivia's cheek.

Olivia smiled. "Do you want to turn on a movie, Lily?"

"Yeah! Can we watch one of the princess ones?"

"Sure. We have _Snow White_, _Aladdin, _and _Sleeping Beauty_."

Lily giggled again. "Like Mommy!"

Alex laughed and tousled Lily's hair. "Like _you_."

"Well, not _now_."

"So is that what you want to watch?" asked Olivia.

Lily nodded and hugged her doll to her chest. When Olivia pressed play on the DVD player and went to lie down beside her, Lily snuggled close to both of her mothers. "Mommy," she said softly.

Alex kissed the crown of her head. "Yes, sweetheart?"

Lily smiled. "Mommy, I'm happy."

It brought tears to Olivia's eyes that such a proclamation would be so new, so raw, to both Alex's ears and her own. "I'm happy, too," said Alex quietly.

Lily looked up into Alex's eyes, crystal blues meeting crystal blues. "So you won't be sad anymore?"

Alex sighed. She didn't know what to say to that.

Lily gently rubbed Alex's back, and it made Olivia smile. Alex winced, and Lily's hand stilled on her mother's back. "No more bruises, Mommy," she whispered.

"No more bruises," agreed Alex in a low voice, glancing at Olivia.

"'Livia said no one's going to hurt you, ever."

"That's right," said Olivia softly, and kissed Alex's hair. "Never. I will never let anyone hurt either of my girls ever again."

"Mommy –"

Alex put a finger to her lips. "Just watch the movie, Lily."

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia ordered pizza for dinner. Alex rolled her eyes when the detective suggested it, but Olivia just shrugged. "I'm not much of a cook. You know that, Alex. For the last few years, I've lived on takeout and cereal. So unless you're planning on making dinner, we're getting pizza."

And Lily's enthusiastic cries from the other room of, "Pizza! Pizza," weren't helping matters. So Alex grudgingly gave in.

When the doorbell rang, Olivia happened to be in the bathroom. "Could you get that, Alex?" she called. "There's money on the kitchen table?"

Alex opened the door. Olivia listened hard for activity, and when she heard none, she began to worry. She finished up in the washroom and ran out to the front door.

Alex was frozen in the doorway, shaking so hard that Olivia wrapped her arms around her and held her close to steady her. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" She took the pizza box and followed Alex's gaze to the lit cigarette dangling out of the delivery guy's mouth. "There's no smoking in this building," she snapped, and slammed the door in his face.

Holding tight to Alex's shoulders to keep her upright, Olivia led her girlfriend into the family room and sat her down on the couch.

"Sweetheart, what is it? What's wrong? Talk to me, Alex."

"The – the cigarette," whispered Alex, starting to rock back and forth. "Please, please don't let him – don't let him hurt me – no, no, please."

"Baby, no one's going to hurt you." Olivia took a deep breath, remembering the burns that littered Alex's breasts and trailed down her stomach, snaking between her thighs to her most private parts. Her poor baby. "He was just a stupid kid, Alex. He's gone now. You're safe."

Lily trotted into the room just then, and stopped short when she saw Alex, still rocking as tears streaked down her cheeks. "Mommy!" she cried, and ran to Alex, trying to wrap her arms around her mother.

Alex shook her off, knocking Lily off the couch. Sprawled on the ground, Lily looked up at her mother, for a moment too stunned to even cry. Alex had never hurt her before. Then she burst into tears.

Olivia wanted to cry herself. Both of her girls crying, both of them hurting so much. And she didn't know how to fix this. Alex was clearly within the throes of a powerful flashback, and Olivia knew she wouldn't want to be touched. "Lily," she said quietly, holding out her hand to her daughter, although she didn't dare get up from Alex's side. "Go to your room. I'll be there in a bit, sweetheart."

Lily sniffled and scrambled to her feet, running to her bedroom and slamming the door.

Olivia winced, knowing Lily was in a lot of pain, but Alex was more important right now. She needed to turn her attention to her girlfriend, to help her through this flashback.

Alex was crying almost hysterically, lashing out at invisible monsters. "No, no, it hurts! Fire – fire – no – don't burn me, please!" She screamed so loudly that it was a wonder her voice didn't break.

"Alex, you're not back there," said Olivia as calmly as she could. "You're here, with Lily and I, in our apartment. I need you to breathe for me, baby. Deep breaths. One . . . two . . . three . . ." She felt Alex's body begin to calm and took it as a good sign. "Open your eyes, baby. There you are. Tell me something in this room, Alex. What colour are the walls?"

"B-black," whimpered Alex, curling up in the fetal position, bucking to ward off demons that existed only in her head.

"No, baby. Try again. Open your eyes and look around. Tell me what colour the walls are."

"Blue," Alex finally said.

"That's right, Alex. Good girl. Here, take my hand." When Alex did so, almost robotically, Olivia gave it a gentle squeeze. "You're safe now, sweetheart. I'm here. Take another deep breath. One . . . two . . . three."

Alex shook her head, her body limp as she leaned back against Olivia, the flashback slowly leaving her. "I think – I think I'm going to be sick," she said, her voice sounding small and faraway.

Olivia jumped into action and helped Alex to her feet. "Okay, baby. Come on."

Alex leaned forward and retched, emptying her stomach on the carpet.

Olivia sighed, gently rubbing Alex's back as rivers of tears leaked from her eyes. "I'll run you a bath, baby," she said softly, and brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "It's okay."

Alex whimpered. "I'm sorry!"

"You don't have to be sorry, baby. It's over. You're okay." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Do you want me to have a bath with you, or do you want to be by yourself?"

"No – no – stay with me. Please?"

"Of course." She walked Alex to the bathroom and started to run her a bath. "Sweetheart, I want you to stay right here for just a moment. I'll be right back."

Alex curled up on the bathroom floor, sobs racking her slight frame, but she didn't argue.

Olivia sighed again and kissed the crown of her head before leaving the room and going into Lily's room. The little girl was curled up on her bed and crying.

Olivia sat down beside her on the bed. "Are you okay, Lily?" she whispered, her heart breaking at the sight of her daughter hurting like this.

Lily lifted her tearstained face. "Mommy hurted me! Why would she do that?"

Olivia's heart clenched. "She didn't mean to, sweetheart. She was having a flashback, Lil. It's kind of like a nightmare, except when she's awake. So she keeps feeling like she's back with the man, even though she isn't. She didn't mean to hurt you – she thought you were him and she lashed out. So from now on, when Mommy is crying or screaming, I don't want you to go to her and try to touch her, because that scares Mommy even more. If this happens again, I want you to go to your room and wait there until I come to get you, okay?"

"But I wouldn't hurt her."

"I know that, princess, and I think she knows that too. She just wasn't thinking, Lily. She was afraid."

"She doesn't need to be afraid of _me_."

Olivia didn't know what to say to that. She just sighed. "Let me see, sweetheart."

Lily sniffled and rolled onto her stomach. She let Olivia lift her shirt.

Olivia winced at the sight of Lily's back. There was a purple bruise that covered most of her lower back, and she bit her lip. Poor Lily. And poor Alex. She didn't know what to do to help either of them.

"It hurts," whimpered Lily.

"I know, princess. I'll give you something for the pain." She pressed a kiss to the mark, then went to the medicine cabinet and brought her two chewable children's Motrin. "It'll make you feel better," she said, handing Lily the pills. "I want you to stay in your room for a little while longer." She glanced at the clock in the room. "When the clock says 7:00, I'll be back. I'm going to stay with your mommy for a bit and help her feel better. Why don't you dress Sara up for me?"

Lily nodded, her eyes wide and wet with tears. Olivia kissed her forehead and went back to the bathroom where Alex was still lying on the floor and whimpering.

"Alex," she said quietly. "You need to get up. Here, I'll help you." She took Alex's hands and helped her to her feet. "Sweetheart, can I help you take off your clothes? I'll go get you a bathing suit if you prefer, but you can't take a bath in your clothes."

Alex obediently raised her arms and let Olivia help her out of her clothes. She was limp as Olivia helped her into the bathtub.

They bathed in silence, and when the water started to get cold, Olivia pulled the plug and got out of the bathtub. She wrapped Alex up in a warm towel and kissed the crown of her head. "Are you feeling a bit better, baby?"

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and didn't respond.

Olivia smoothed Alex's hair. "Do you want me to warm up your clothes for you?"

Alex nodded, and followed Olivia toward the laundry room. She froze when they passed the kitchen, and started to cry again. Olivia realized that she was smelling the secondhand smoke that still lingered on the pizza box, and her heart constricted.

"Stay here," she said quietly and went to throw out the pizza box.

She came back into the apartment and took Alex's clothes out of the dryer. Alex was limp as Olivia dressed her, like she was a delicate china doll. Olivia tried not to let her gaze linger on the burns covering Alex's alabaster skin.

"I'll make you some soup. Chicken noodle," she offered. "You sit down, try to relax for a minute. I'll be back soon."

Alex silently sat on the couch, and Olivia went back to Lily's room.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

The little girl looked up at her, her accusation written on her face. "The clock says 7:04."

Olivia sighed. "Yeah, I'm sorry, princess. Do you want to come have some chicken noodle soup with your mommy and I?"

Lily seemed to curl into herself, her voice small and weak. "Will Mommy hurt me again?"

"No, honey. Your mommy won't hurt you, I promise."

"But she did!"

"Sweetheart, your mommy was afraid, and she lashed out. Now I think she's calmed down, and she won't hurt you."

"She gave me bruises, like the man."

Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "Lily, I promise that she won't hurt you."

"But you said no one would hurt me. Mommy hurted me."

"Do you just want to stay here for a bit?"

Lily nodded.

Olivia kissed the crown of Lily's head and went out to the kitchen. She opened a can of chicken noodle soup – the extent of her cooking skills – and put it in the microwave before going back into the family room. She sat down beside Alex and wrapped an arm around her. Alex flinched at first, but then leaned into Olivia and rested her head in the detective's lap.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "Are you feeling a bit better, baby?"

Alex nodded and yawned. Olivia smiled at her. Alex yawning was just about the most adorable thing in the entire world. "Lily," Alex whispered.

Olivia sighed. "Lily's in her room, baby."

"How come?"

Olivia bit her lip. "Do you remember what happened, Alex?"

Alex started to tremble. "I was having a flashback?"

"That's right, but do you remember what happened?"

"He was hurting me – I tried to fight him, but he was too strong." She looked up at Olivia, adoration in her eyes. "You brought me back."

"Do you remember that Lily tried to help you, too?"

Alex thought for a moment, then her eyes widened. "No."

"You don't remember?"

"No – I don't remember – did she?"

"Yeah, baby."

"And what happened?"

Olivia couldn't meet Alex's eyes. "You were struggling, Alex. You pushed her pretty hard."

Alex's eyes were as large as saucers and her face turned white. "No – I hurt Lily?"

"You didn't mean to, Alex,"

"But – but I did! I hurt my daughter! How could I hurt my baby?" Alex began to cry.

"Alex, you were having a flashback. You lost control. It's not your fault." Olivia tried to rub Alex's back, but the blonde pulled away and curled up in a ball against the edge of the couch, starting to rock again.

"I'm no better than _him_. I hurt my daughter, and my son – I don't deserve to be a mother. My little girl is afraid of me!"

"That's not true, baby. You are _nothing _like that monster."

"I hurt my own child!" Her next words were barely audible, and she ducked her head in shame. "Both of them."

"No, Alex – that's not – Alex!"

Alex had gotten off the couch and was halfway to their bedroom. Olivia got off the couch and followed her.

"Sweetheart – wait – please – where are you going?"

"Leave me alone, Olivia," snapped Alex.

"No, Alex, listen to me. This wasn't your fault."

Alex ignored her. She slammed the door to their bedroom and Olivia sighed, figuring it would be best not to overwhelm Alex right now. She would just give her girlfriend some time to calm down.

She went into Lily's room and sat down beside her on the bed. "Are you feeling any better, Lil?"

Lily shook her head and climbed into Olivia's lap, her crystal blues wide and filled with tears.

Olivia gently stroked Lily's hair. "Do you want some soup, sweetie? Or I can make you a sandwich, or some pasta. Unfortunately, that's the extent of my culinary skills."

Lily smiled shyly. "Can I have a sandwich, please?"

"Sure, Lily. Come on." She held her hand out to Lily, but the little girl didn't take it.

"Is Mommy in the kitchen?"

"No, honey. She's in her room."

Lily nodded and took Olivia's hand. She sat down at the kitchen table and ate the grilled cheese sandwich Olivia prepared for her.

Both of them froze when they heard footsteps coming from the front hall. "Alex," called Olivia. "What are you doing?" When she got no reply, Olivia turned to Lily and said, "I'll be back in a minute, sweetheart. I'm just going to see what your mommy's up to."

She started toward the front hall, Lily at her heels. She found Alex putting on her shoes, a backpack slung over one shoulder. Olivia knelt down beside her.

"Alex, where are you going?"

Alex refused to meet her eyes. "I can't be here anymore, Olivia. I'm sorry." She looked at Lily. "I'm sorry, Lily."

"No, Mommy!" Lily ran to her mother and wrapped her arms around her neck. "Don't leave me!"

Alex's eyes filled with tears. "Baby, I hurt you."

"'Livia said you didn't mean it, Mommy. Please stay here with me!"

"Lily, I don't want anyone to ever hurt you again. And I'm not sure – I don't know –"

"Alex," said Olivia quietly, putting a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Why don't you come into the family room and sit down. Let's talk first, okay? I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but I think we should talk about this before making any bad decisions that we might regret later."

Alex's body was limp, and she let Olivia guide her to the couch. Olivia sat down beside her and Lily curled up on her mother's lap. "Mommy, please don't go," she begged, clutching Alex's hand.

"Lily – you know I didn't mean to hurt you – I would never do that to you, _ever_." Alex was almost pleading for Lily to believe her, and it tugged on Olivia's heartstrings.

"I know, Mommy." Lily hugged Alex tighter, trying desperately to anchor herself to her mother. "I'm sorry."

"No, sweetheart – it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

Olivia smoothed Alex's hair and kissed the base of her neck. "Alex, don't punish Lily," she said, gently but firmly. "She needs her mother. Both of us. If you leave, you'll be hurting her more than she already has been."

Alex buried her face in her hands. "I – I can't."

"Yeah, baby, you can. It's okay." She started to rub Alex's back. "I love you."

Alex's shoulders began to shake. "Oh, Liv – Lily – I – I – I'm so sorry!"

Lily kissed Alex's forehead and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck. "It's okay, Mommy. Don't cry. Please don't cry."

Alex held Lily in her lap and buried her face in her daughter's hair, soaking the silky blonde tresses with her tears.

Olivia wrapped both of them up in a warm hug. "It's okay," she soothed, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "We're going to be okay."

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

That night, Alex cried herself to sleep and wouldn't let Olivia console her. She curled up on the floor beside the bed and whimpered whenever Olivia came close. It broke Olivia's heart, because she didn't know what she could do to help.

Lily scampered into the room after midnight, dried tracks of tears on her cheeks. "'Livia, can I sleep with you tonight?"

Olivia sighed. "Yeah." She patted the space beside her. "Come here."

Lily stopped short when she saw her mother sleeping on the ground. "Why's Mommy sleeping on the floor?"

Olivia chewed on her lower lip. Climbing out of bed and kneeling on the ground, she lifted Alex into her arms and setting her down on the bed. She had lost at least thirty pounds over the past few years – she'd never been heavy to begin with, but now Alex was nothing more than skin and bones.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. "I love you, baby," she said, and kissed Alex's forehead.

Lily jumped onto the bed and lay down between the two of them, sticking her thumb in her mouth and clutching her teddy bear to her chest. "'Night, 'Livia," she said, already half-asleep.

"Goodnight, sweetie."

As Lily's light snores filled the room, Olivia lay on her side and watched her girls sleep. She couldn't get over how beautiful they were, and how lucky she was to have them both with her, safe and sound. She loved the two of them so much.

She took Lily into her arms, the warmth of her tiny body comforting Olivia, her even breathing lulling the detective to sleep.

* * *

"No – no – Liv – Olivia – please – no – Liv!"

Olivia jumped at the sound of Alex's cries, and her breath caught in her throat, her stomach clenching so hard that it was physically painful. Alex's wounded pleas were tearing her heart out. She reached out and took Alex's cold, clammy hand. "Right here, baby," she soothed. "I'm right here. You're okay."

"No," whimpered Alex, tears running down her cheeks as she thrashed in the bed. "Liv – please – don't let him – no! No!" She started to scream, and Lily started awake.

"Mommy?" she said, her eyes wide with trepidation. "Mommy, what's wrong?"

"Lily," said Olivia in an undertone. "I want you to go to your room now, okay? Remember what we talked about yesterday?"

Lily nodded and jumped off the bed. Hugging her teddy bear, she ran into her bedroom, and Olivia swallowed hard when she heard Lily's bedroom door slam. "We don't slam doors in this house," is what Alex would say, but Olivia let it go. She knew Lily was only obeying because she was terrified Alex would hurt her again, and that made Olivia want to cry.

Trying to push Lily from her mind for the moment, Olivia sat up and gently took Alex's shoulders. "Sweetheart, open your eyes. It's okay, Alex. I'm right here. No one's going to hurt you."

She felt Alex's shoulders start to relax, and her voice wavered, as if she couldn't believe that she was really safe, with Olivia. "L-Liv?"

"Yeah, baby, it's me. It's okay. You can open your eyes, Alex. You're safe."

Alex whimpered. "No – it hurts – I can't – no!"

"Yeah, you can, Alex. You can. Just open your eyes, baby. I promise, no one will hurt you."

With almost painstaking slowness, Alex opened her eyes. Olivia saw the relief in them, which quickly changed to fear, and then to shame. She closed her eyes and leaned back against her pillow. "I'm sorry," she murmured, tears streaking down her cheeks, her slight frame still trembling.

"It's okay," said Olivia, scooting over so she was sitting beside Alex and wrapped her arms around her. She cradled Alex's head against her chest. "I love you, baby," she said quietly, and kissed Alex's hair.

Alex looked up at Olivia, her eyes filled with tears and pain. "He was hurting me," she whispered. "Because – he wanted to hurt Lily. I tried to protect her – but – but he just punished me, and hurt her more. He took her away from me. I didn't know where she was – I thought he might have – he might have – oh, Liv." She buried her face in Olivia's neck.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "That must have been terrifying, Alex. I am so sorry he did that to you."

"Not me." Alex started crying harder, and her words came out muffled. "Lily. She was just a baby. She tried to protect me, and then he hurt her. She came back – she had burns on her neck and bruises and she wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't even _look_ at her because I knew I'd failed. Oh, God, Liv. I don't care what he did to me – but he hurt my baby. And I couldn't do anything to stop it!"

"Alex, I know he hurt Lily, and I know you think you should have stopped it, but it absolutely wasn't your fault. There was _nothing _you could have done. He would have hurt you more, both of you, and you might not be here today with me if you'd tried."

"I wish – I wish I wasn't. If it would have helped."

"Baby, it wouldn't have. It wouldn't have helped. It would have gotten Lily hurt even more. You did the best you could, and you survived. Both of you. And now you're here with me, and you're safe. No one is going to hurt you ever again, I promise. I know it's going to take awhile for you to trust me, or anyone, but you can, Alex. I won't hurt you, and I won't let anyone else hurt you either. We're in this together, and we're going to be okay."

"But Lily – she's scared of me, Liv! I couldn't protect her then, and I can't help her now."

"Alex, it might take time, and maybe you'll never be exactly the same as you were four years ago, but neither am I, or any of us. We all change every single day, in different ways, and that doesn't make you weak. If you let me, I will do whatever I can to help you. I love you, baby, and I always will."

Alex curled up against Olivia's side, and Olivia wrapped an arm around her. She pressed a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and tenderly rubbed her back. "I love you, too," murmured Alex, and Olivia's heart soared.

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

Olivia held Alex until she managed to fall back into a fitful sleep. When they woke up in the morning, Olivia made pancakes for breakfast, and Alex set the table. "Do you think Lily's awake?" she asked.

Olivia shrugged. "Probably. Do you want me to go check?"

"Okay."

Olivia walked toward Lily's bedroom and rapped lightly on her door. "Lily, can I come in?" she said when she got no reply.

"No," came the muffled answer.

"Are you okay?"

"Go _away_."

Olivia sighed and leaned against the door. "I made chocolate chip pancakes for you."

"I don't want them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

Olivia understood why Lily was upset, so she just went back to the kitchen. "She's not hungry."

Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm going to go check on her."

Olivia bit her lip, but she didn't argue. She waited almost fifteen minutes for Alex, and when Alex still hadn't returned, she started to worry. She went to check on the two of them.

Olivia stopped in front of Lily's bedroom door and knocked. When neither of them answered, she inched the door open anyway, and her heart constricted when she saw Alex curled up on the bed, her arms holding her daughter in a protective embrace. Tears stained both of their faces, and as Olivia walked into the room, Alex tightened her hold on Lily. Both of them looked up, wearing identical expressions – sadness tinged with fear.

Olivia chewed on her lower lip. Finally, she climbed onto the bed beside her girls and wrapped her arms around both of them. Alex's body shuddered in Olivia's embrace, but she didn't pull away.

"I love you," Olivia whispered in Alex's ear, and felt the tension gradually leave Alex's body. Alex leaned into her, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder, and Olivia gave her a kiss. Lily cuddled up against them, and within minutes she was asleep.

Finally, after moments of silence, Alex rolled onto her other side, bringing her tearstained face up to meet Olivia's, her eyes weary and dull. "I used to be so beautiful," she said quietly, her voice hoarse from her crying.

Olivia's breath caught in her throat, and she held Alex tighter. "You still are, baby."

Alex shook her head, burying her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. "You used to – you used to love to touch me, and I always wanted you to. But now – I can't stand for anyone to touch me, to even _look _at me, and that's not your fault – it's mine. And I'm ugly. Why would you want to touch me now? How could you want me now? I have scars all over, everywhere – how could you find that beautiful?"

"Baby, your scars aren't ugly. You're right that I hate them, but that doesn't mean I hate _you_. I hate what that man did to you, and I wish with all my heart that he hadn't done it, that I could have protected you. I still want you, and I will always want you, just because you're you. I love you, and I think you're beautiful, just because you're you. And when you're ready, if you want to, we can make love, and it might not be just the same as before, but it'll be perfect just the same, because there's no one in the world I want, or love, more than you. And no matter what, Alex, even when you're old and wrinkled and your hair starts to go gray, you'll always be beautiful to me."

Alex smiled weakly. "Aw, thanks. I really needed that picture in my mind of my impending old age."

Olivia chuckled. "Not quite impending, angel. You've got a ways to go yet."

"Having a daughter ages us, Liv."

"She's only four, baby. Wait until she's a teenager!"

Alex groaned. "Please don't make me think about that yet."

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "She's a good kid, Alex. I can't wait to watch her grow up, and enjoy every second of our life with her. The three of us."

Alex's words were barely audible. "Me, too."

Olivia combed her fingers through Alex's hair and smiled at her. "You're so beautiful, baby," she said quietly.

Alex lowered her eyes and didn't say anything.

Olivia kissed the crown of her head, and gently lifted Alex's chin. "You are."

Alex rolled over and draped her arm around Lily's shoulders. "Liv, she was scared."

Olivia knitted her brows, unsure where Alex was going with this. "Who was scared, baby?"

"Lily."

"Of what?"

Alex's next words were so quiet that Olivia had to strain to hear them. "Me. My baby was scared of me."

Olivia sighed and hugged Alex tighter. "That isn't your fault, baby."

"Yes, it is!"

Realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere with Alex, she changed tactics. "You know, maybe it would be good for Lily to have someone to talk to."

"She has us."

"I know, but there's only so much we can do for her, and I think it might help."

"You mean a therapist," said Alex flatly.

"Sweetie, it's not a reflection on you, or me, or our parenting. I just think it might help Lily, and that's the important thing. She's gone through more than any child her age should ever have to go through, and it's understandable that she's still suffering from the aftereffects. Maybe she – maybe all of us – just need a little bit of extra help. That's all."

Alex took a deep breath, but she finally nodded. "For Lily."

"That's right." Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and gave her a kiss. "I can ask Huang for a referral. Only the best for our little girl, okay?"

Alex nodded again. "Okay."

Olivia bit her lip. "Alex, I know you're going to be really against this –"

"What a wonderful way to preface a suggestion."

"Well, it's more like – just hear me out first, and don't bite my head off, okay?"

"Okay."

"Maybe it would help you, to talk to someone."

"I have you."

"I know, baby, and I'm doing my best, but Alex, there's no shame in asking for more help. I love you, but I'm not a psychologist."

"I don't _need _a psychologist."

Olivia sighed. "Sweetheart, I won't force you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I really think it's a good idea."

Alex hesitated. "Will you come with me?" she finally asked.

Olivia gave Alex's hand a squeeze. "Of course, baby, for as long as you need me to. But eventually, I think it will help if you talk to her by yourself."

Alex nodded. "You've changed. Four years ago, you hated shrinks."

Olivia took a deep breath. She'd been to see a therapist for the first few weeks after Alex had gone missing, and she'd been resistant at the beginning, but it had helped. "Yeah, well, I just want to help you, baby. And I'll do whatever it takes."

"I know." Alex smiled weakly. "You love me."

"That's right, baby. More than anything."

Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and nodded once more.

"So how about I give Huang a call, Alex? I'll see if he can set up an appointment with a child psychologist next week for Lily, and one for you, too."

"Okay," Alex finally agreed, and Olivia gave her a smile.

"I know you can do this, baby. You're strong."

"Oh, Liv," was all Alex could say. She closed her eyes and tried not to worry.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

The next day, Olivia talked to Huang, who gave her references for six therapists that might be able to help. She reviewed their credentials and ade Alex an appointment for next Thursday, and Lily one for Tuesday with a child psychologist who came highly recommended.

On her way back from the precinct, she stopped by the toy store and picked up a few puzzles and board games for Lily, then went to the grocery store. She picked up some of Alex's favorite foods and some staples, milk and Perrier for Alex and whole wheat bread. She also picked up some new clothes for both Alex and Lily, estimating Alex's size because she knew the blonde had lost weight. She'd never been heavy to begin with, but she was looking more and more emaciated every day. She approximated Alex's size by the weight her arms lacked when Alex wasn't in them, by the space left on her side of the bed when Alex wasn't there.

She made the trip as quickly as she could and returned within an hour and a half. Alex and Lily were in the family room, playing cards. Lily had five cards in her hand and giggled when Alex asked if she had any sixes. "Nope." She beamed, cerulean eyes sparkling. "Go fish!"

As she picked up a card, Alex smiled back, a real smile, one that met her eyes. It took Olivia's breath away for a moment as she stood in the doorway and watched the two of them. Alex was so beautiful when she smiled. She was so beautiful anyway, but even more when she smiled. Her eyes lit up, and it transformed her entire face, making her look once again like the woman Olivia had lost four years ago.

"Darn," said Alex, pretending to be annoyed. "Your turn."

"'Kay. You got any twelves?"

Alex chuckled. "Silly girl, there aren't any twelves!"

Lily grinned. "Just kidding. Got any fives?"

"Aw." Alex handed Lily a five. Her eyes flickered toward the doorway, and she smiled when she saw Olivia. "Liv, this little mastermind is beating me at my own game!"

Lily laughed. "It's my game now, Mommy! I winned four times."

"Good job, Lily!" Olivia knelt beside her daughter and held out her hand to give Lily a high five. "Can I interest you in some chocolate milk?"

Lily turned her mega-watt smile on Olivia. "First let me beat Mommy."

Olivia kissed the crown of Lily's head. "Okay, Lil. I'll go put away the groceries."

Alex quirked an eyebrow. "What did you buy?"

"Goat milk and sundried tomato ham," said Olivia seriously.

Alex rolled her eyes. "_Liv_." Olivia knew perfectly well that Alex despised sundried tomato ham and goat milk. One of her nannies had made her that exact lunch every day when she was a child, and she'd absolutely hated it.

"I got chocolate milk for my princess, and Perrier for my queen," Olivia said, coaxing a smile from Alex. "And whole wheat bread, and new bananas. Chicken for dinner, and mashed potatoes, and a couple other things."

Alex gave Olivia a quick kiss. "Thanks, Liv."

"Hey, no problem. Finish your game, and then I'll get you both some chocolate milk. Speaking of which, I bought a couple games at Toys 'R' Us."

Alex rolled her eyes again. "_Liv_."

Olivia shrugged. "Hey, I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd pick you up some new clothes, and Lily. Most of your stuff doesn't fit you, and Lily doesn't have much at all."

Lily looked up at Olivia. "What'd you buy me?"

Olivia chuckled. "Chutes and Ladders, Candyland, Sorry!, Scrabble Junior, a few puzzles, and a couple Barbies."

"You really _are _spoiling her, Liv."

"I like to. And anyway, we need to keep her entertained before school starts."

A shadow crossed Lily's face. "School?"

"Not for awhile, honey. But you can start kindergarten when summer's up, and I'm sure you'll love it."

Lily shrugged and turned back to Alex. "Your turn."

* * *

The three of them spent the evening doing what Lily dubbed "Puzzle Mania," doing all the puzzles Olivia had just bought. Then Lily put on a fashion show for them, modeling her new clothes, and insisted that Alex do the same. Olivia was pleased that most of the clothes seemed to fit them both.

That night, Alex gave Lily a bath and the three of them cuddled before bed. Alex read Lily a book and Olivia acted out a story between Lily's doll and teddy bear, until the little girl was helpless with laughter and Alex told Olivia to stop winding her up, or else they'd never get Lily to sleep.

As Olivia kissed Lily goodnight, Lily looked up at her, her eyes shining. "'Livia, I had a good day today."

Olivia smiled. "I'm glad, sweetie."

"Thank you for the puzzles. And the games. And the dolls. You didn't have to get all that for me."

"I know, Lil. I wanted to."

Lily beamed. "I love you, 'Livia."

Olivia's heart warmed, and she gave her daughter another kiss. "I love you, too, princess. Always."

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

That night, Alex let Olivia hold her. "How are you feeling, baby?" Olivia asked once Alex was snug in her arms.

"Okay," murmured Alex, curling into Olivia.

Olivia gave her a smile and gently rubbed her back. "No nightmares tonight."

Alex sighed. "Liv, stop it."

"Sorry, baby. That wasn't how I –" She fell silent, realizing she wasn't helping things. "I'm sorry."

Alex chewed on her lower lip. "No, I'm just feeling a bit – oversensitive. I'm sorry." She rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia. "I'm going to bed."

Olivia smiled. "We're _in _bed."

"Well, I'm going to sleep."

"Okay." She kissed Alex's forehead. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too," whispered Alex, and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Olivia woke up in the middle of the night to find Alex watching her, dried tracks of tears on her face. She was immediately on alert and sat up in bed. "Are you okay, baby?"

Alex shrugged, curling uncomfortably into herself.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Alex lowered her eyes and shrugged again.

"Why didn't you wake me, baby?"

"You were asleep."

Olivia heard the accusation in Alex's voice – _you weren't there_. "You could have woken me. You can always wake me, baby. I'm here for you, no matter what time it is."

Alex sighed, and even though she was trying to seem nonchalant, Olivia could tell how much she was hurting.

"What was it about, sweetie?" she asked, and wrapped her arms around Alex.

"I don't want to talk."

"Okay, baby, but if you ever want to, I'm here for you."

Alex sighed again. "Why do you have to be so – I mean, you make me feel so selfish. Inadequate."

"You're not, Alex. This is hard for you – I know that. It's okay."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and shuddered in her warm embrace. "Look what he did to me," she whispered, lifting the hem of her shirt and tracing a few of the scars lining her abdomen, pressing down hard until she winced from the pain. "He's my master. He will always rule me."

Olivia gently took Alex's hand and brought it to her lips, both to offer comfort and to prevent her from hurting herself further. "He's not your master and he doesn't rule you, baby. You are the only one who controls yourself and your actions, and no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do anymore."

"He – he made me call him _Master_. Every night before he let me sleep, he made me kneel beside the bed and say, 'You are my lord and master. I am yours, and belong only to you. Help me to be worthy of you, and punish me when I do wrong. You are my lord and master, and all that I do is for you.' Like I was _praying_." She trembled as she spoke the words and buried her face in Olivia's shoulder. "I'll never be able to go to church again."

Olivia sighed and tenderly stroked Alex's hair, her heart constricting and her throat contracting, unable to find the right words to comfort Alex at this horrible time. "No one's asking you to," she finally said.

"I went every weekend when I was little," she whispered. "My mother – she would be so disappointed in me."

"She'd understand, baby. She would." Olivia tried to smile, and cupped Alex's cheek. "She's looking down on you from heaven, and she's so proud, baby. You survived the most awful of circumstances. You were brave, and you got out alive, with our beautiful little girl. You are so strong, Alex, and you've done the right thing from the start. Never, _ever _doubt that."

Alex began to cry, her fingers drifting back to her stomach almost of their own volition. She ran them over her scars, trailing her hands down her thighs, between her legs. "I used to be beautiful."

Olivia sighed again. It seemed like they'd had this discussion a million times, and still, Olivia's reassurances seemed to go in one ear and out the other. "You _are _beautiful," she said, lifting Alex's chin and locking eyes with her girlfriend. "You will _always _be beautiful."

"But he – m-my master – he said he was the only one who would ever want me, because I was so ugly. He's right. If you left me, right now, no one else would love me, or think I'm beautiful."

Olivia's stomach clenched. "But baby, I'm not going to leave you. I do love you, more than anything, and we have a daughter together. I could never leave you."

"Even when I cry, and whine, and have bad dreams, and wake you up screaming in the middle of the night, and refuse to change in front of you, and put up obstacles every time you try to help me, and –"

"Alex, you don't whine. You don't put up obstacles, and the other things aren't your fault. I promised I'd be here for you, no matter what, and I will be. Through thick and through thin. Even when the going gets tough, I will stand by you. Forever and always. That's what love is, Alex, and I love you. I know it's hard for you to believe me when I say that, but I do, and nothing will ever change that. _Never_."

"But all I do is cause trouble for you." Alex smiled weakly. "I'm not easy to love."

"You _are_ easy to love, sweetheart." Olivia lifted Alex's chin so Alex was forced to meet her eyes. "You are the most amazing woman in the world, Alex, and I love you. I'll say it a million times if that's what you need. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so much, Alex."

Alex sighed. "I know you do."

"Is there anything I can do for you, Alex?"

"No. There's nothing you can do for me. There's nothing anyone can do for me." She turned away from Olivia. "And now I'm starting the pity party again. Liv, I'm sorry. You've done so much for me, and I'm acting like a spoiled child. I know that's not okay."

"Sweetheart, you're doing the best you can. I understand." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "I love you."

"Liv – Liv –" Alex fell silent and lifted her shirt again, trailing her fingers once more over her scars. "_Look _at me."

Olivia cupped her cheek and smiled at Alex. "I am, baby, and I see a beautiful woman. You _are _a beautiful woman."

Alex traced the scars between her legs, not at all tenderly. She pressed down hard on one of the cuts on her inner thigh and flinched at the pain.

"Alex, stop." Olivia gently took her hands and squeezed them. "Baby, don't hurt yourself. I don't like seeing you in pain, and there's no reason for it. You didn't do anything wrong, not at all."

"I let him hurt me."

"You didn't 'let' him do anything. You survived, Alex. That's the important thing. You did your best, and I know you fought for Lily. That's all anyone could ask of you."

"But, Liv, she's _his_."

"No, baby. She's _ours_."

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

Alex let Olivia hold her, but she couldn't get back to sleep, and no matter how much Olivia tried to soothe her, her frail body continued to convulse in shivers.

Finally, Olivia said, "Hold on a minute, Alex. I'll be right back." She let go of Alex and left the room to go get Alex a cup of hot chocolate.

Alex was too exhausted to reply. She curled up on her side, pulling her knees to her chest to conserve heat, but it did little good. She tried to stop the tears, knowing they wouldn't do any good either. Besides, there was nothing to cry about. Sure, she'd had a bad dream, but that was nothing new, and Olivia was here for her anyway.

Olivia returned a moment later with the hot chocolate and a heated blanket. She wrapped it around Alex's shoulders and kissed her forehead, then handed her the mug. "Be careful. It's hot."

Alex smiled weakly. "Comfort food?"

Olivia shrugged. "I figured you could use some tonight."

Alex leaned against Olivia and closed her eyes as she took a sip of hot chocolate. "Thank you."

Olivia took Alex into her arms again, tucking in the warm blanket. Alex was limp in her embrace, and Olivia wished she could shoulder all of her girlfriend's pain for her. She would do anything to help Alex, and it hurt that she couldn't fix this for her.

"I love you," she said again, because it was all she could think of that might comfort Alex at a time like this.

"Oh, Liv – Liv – I know." She buried her face in Olivia's chest. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be sorry, baby. It's okay."

Alex curled up against Olivia, clutching the mug of hot chocolate as Olivia wrapped the blanket more tightly around her shoulders. "Liv – I know you're doing your best and I'm just being so ungrateful – I'm trying, Liv, I really am!"

"I know you are, Alex –"

"I'm trying to be normal, and go back to the way things used to be, but I can't! I just can't!" Once again, Alex dissolved into tears, and all Olivia could do was hold her, as if she could anchor Alex to her and shield her from all this pain.

"Alex, things might never be the way they were four years ago, but that's okay. All of us change, every day, and we can never turn back the clock. All we can do is work from here. But Alex, I love you just the way you are. I need you to understand that. No matter what you can and can't do right now, we're going to get through this together. The three of us, Alex. Forever."

"But Liv, I'm afraid." Alex's words were barely audible. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. "Sweetheart, you are so brave – for the past few years, you have been so strong. No one should ever have to go through what you and Lily have been through, but both of you survived it, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire you. You need to hold on just a little longer, Alex. For Lily. For _me_. I love you, baby, and I've missed you every single day for these past four years. I need you here with me."

"But I can't –"

"Yes, you _can_, Alex. You can." She hesitated. "When you were – there – what did you think about to keep yourself going, to give yourself strength?"

Alex slid away from Olivia and curled up on the edge of the bed, setting her mug of hot chocolate down on the nightstand. Her body shook with sobs.

"Alex," prompted Olivia, not moving closer to Alex but continuing to push on verbally. "What did you think about?"

Through her sobs, Alex managed to choke out, "You."

Olivia's heart clenched. "Being back home with me, and Lily?"

Alex nodded.

Olivia tried to smile. "And now you are, baby. Both of you are back home with me."

Alex wouldn't meet Olivia's eyes. "He wanted a daughter. My master. He said she would grow up to be a beautiful woman like me, and in a few years, he could – he could – that he would do to her – that he would treat her – that she would grow up like me, too. I was so scared . . . I needed to protect Lily."

"And Alex, you did."

"But Oliver – he didn't want Oliver. He had no use for a boy, he said. When I was pregnant – he still hit me, and made me do things – I was so scared that he would hurt the baby. He wouldn't let me go to the hospital, or see a doctor – when I was giving birth, it hurt so much, and he wouldn't get me any help – I thought I was going to die, and no one would even know. The babies – they were both so small, and I thought something might be wrong, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do for them." She took a deep breath. "He wouldn't let me spend enough time with them, to do anything for them – he wanted me, all the time. He wanted to hurt me. He didn't care about them. They would be crying, all night, and he wouldn't let me go to them. He wouldn't even get them a crib. He made me leave them in the closet, and I had to use the sheets off the bed to make them blankets, because Oliver was sick, and he had a fever. When my master found out – he beat me so bad. I couldn't walk for a week."

Olivia's heart was breaking at Alex's words. She wished so much that she had been there, for Alex and her children, to protect them. She would have killed the monster who'd hurt both of them so badly. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that happened to you – that I wasn't there to protect you. But baby, you did all you could for Oliver. You did everything right. It must have been an impossible decision, to choose between your children, and I'm sorry he made you do that."

Alex stared at the comforter, clenching it in her fists and squeezing tightly, continuing as if she hadn't even heard Olivia. "And he didn't care. No matter how much pain I was in, he still hurt me. Even when I couldn't walk, even when I was in too much pain to move, even when I could barely _breathe_, he still punished me. And when I couldn't take anymore, when I finally just passed out from the pain, he hurt Lily. And I tried – I tried to take it for her, I tried to stop him – but then – but then he just hurt us both even more. That – that hurt me most of all and he – he knew it – and he tried –" Alex burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

"Sweetheart –" Olivia tried to say, but Alex wasn't listening.

"One time, after he made me kill Oliver – I was depressed, then. I couldn't even move half the time – I tried to stay in the closet, but he had the key, and when he tried to – to force me, and I was just too tired to fight that time, and he couldn't – you know – and he got so mad – he grabbed Lily and he – he hung her from the ceiling, by her wrists – for _hours_! And he put me in the cage, and tied me up, and he made me watch – there was nothing I could do to help my baby! And finally, when he let her down – I thought her shoulders might be dislocated and she didn't even cry, she just lay there and she didn't move, and I was so scared – he made me stay in the cage and wouldn't let me near her, for _days_. My baby – she was hurting, and I wasn't there –" Alex's sobs overtook her body, and she couldn't speak.

"Oh, baby," was Olivia could say, tears welling up in her eyes as she moved closer to Alex. She suddenly couldn't breathe, and realized this was how Alex must have felt when she was back there, in that cage, watching that monster hurt Lily and knowing she couldn't do anything to stop him, only worse.

Alex flinched and curled into herself, pulling her knees to her chest and making herself as small as she possibly could. "He made them go for days without eating – he wouldn't give me any food. For me – I mean, I was used to it, but my babies – they were so small, so weak. I was scared that one day they were just going to slip away . . . they cried, all the time, and asked for food, for blankets, and I couldn't do anything for them. What kind of mother – they would say, 'Mommy, we're cold,' and I couldn't even turn up the heat. They'd say, 'Mommy, we're sick,' and I couldn't give them medicine. I had nothing for them. My babies. And sometimes he would put me in the cage, or take them away, and I didn't know what was happening to them. And I'd come back, and they'd be sick, or listless, or just plain sad. They needed me, and I wasn't there. I couldn't help them."

"Alex –"

"Once – one time – he was mad at Oliver. My master wouldn't get them diapers, and I was just using some cloth that I'd found somewhere, but one time when I was washing the cloth – Oliver made a mess, and my master started hitting him, and Oliver was screaming. My master told me I had to hurt him, or else he'd kill us both. He made me spank him, and then my master said I didn't do it properly, and he made me punch him, and hurt him more – he was only sixteen months old, he didn't know better, and I remember the look on his face when he saw that I'd hurt him, and Lily, when I went back to the closet. She was crying too, because I'd hurt her brother, and she knew now she couldn't trust me, that her mother could hurt her, too. But my master never made me hurt Lily. Never Lily. He didn't want to leave a mark on her. He said if she was good enough, he'd be able to train her, like me, and one day – one day he – he'd sell her, and get a small fortune for such a beautiful, well-behaved pet. He thought she was a _pet_. He would have made her his slave, like me. I couldn't let that happen – but what was I supposed to do? I tried – I tried, but there was nothing."

Olivia waited, thought her heart was breaking, for Alex to run out of tears. She needed to calm herself down, to cry herself out before Olivia tried to do anything for her. Finally, when the last of shudders had left Alex's body and the blonde was lying limp on the sheets, Olivia sat down beside Alex and took her hand. "Can I hug you?" she asked quietly, not wanting to startle Alex by touching her when she didn't want to be touched.

Alex nodded weakly, and Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend. Alex was physically and emotionally exhausted, and her body was almost a dead weight in Olivia's embrace. It terrified her.

"I love you," she said for the millionth time, and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Alex's head.

"He made me spank Lily sometimes," whispered Alex, not seeming to hear Olivia. "When she was crying. He hated it when she cried. And Lily would just look at me, as if I'd broken her heart. And I promised – I said I'd never hurt her again."

"And baby, you won't."

"But I did."

"Alex, you didn't mean to."

"I never meant to, then, but –" Alex sighed and leaned into Olivia. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Alex." Olivia gave her another kiss and took her hand. "Do you want me to run you a bath? We can take one together."

Alex hesitated and finally nodded. "Okay, but –" Her words were barely audible. "Please, don't tell me I'm ugly."

"Oh, sweetheart, I would never say that. You're not ugly. You're _not_."

Alex pulled her hands out of Olivia's and returned them almost reflexively to her scars, trailing between her legs and pressing hard.

Olivia took Alex's hands and kissed them. "Alex, _stop_."

Alex flinched and began to cry again at Olivia's harsh tone.

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry, baby. I just – I don't like it when you hurt yourself. It hurts me to see you hurting, sweetie."

Alex wiped at her tears. "I – let's have a bath. I want – I just want to be with you."

Olivia tried to smile. "Okay."

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

Olivia ran the bath and took out Alex's favorite lavender bath salts. It made Alex smile, and she gave Olivia a hug. "What did I do to deserve a girlfriend as wonderful as you?"

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead, recognizing that the question was rhetorical. "Ready to get in the tub?" she asked instead.

Alex chewed on her lower lip and started to undress. "I – Liv – please don't look at me."

Olivia sighed. "I won't if you're not comfortable, Alex, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. I want you to know that."

Alex dropped her gaze. "Please."

"Okay, sweetie, I won't." Olivia averted her eyes and shucked her own clothes before climbing into the bathtub and patting the side invitingly.

Alex sat down in the tub and leaned back against Olivia, closing her eyes, as if she couldn't see Olivia, then Olivia couldn't see her.

"Do you want a massage, baby?" asked Olivia.

Alex shook her head. "I don't – I don't want you to – to touch me."

Olivia sighed again. "Okay, Alex. I won't if you don't want me to. I won't hurt you, baby."

"I – I know you won't. I just – I'm sorry." To her horror, Alex felt tears rushing to her eyes. "I love you, Liv. I really, really do. I know I'm being so difficult and –"

"Alex, it's okay." Olivia gently brought a finger to Alex's lips. "You're not being difficult. I know this is tough for you, and I'll do whatever it takes to help. You're being really brave, and I am so proud of you. I love you, baby, and I always will."

Alex buried her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Olivia was being so good to her, even though it was four in the morning and she should really be sleeping instead of comforting Alex. She didn't deserve the tenderness her girlfriend was offering.

Olivia tried to take Alex's hand, but Alex pulled sharply away. "You can't always try to take care of me, Liv! Some people are too damaged for you to save."

Olivia tried to smile. "Such as the perps we deal with. I know that."

"No. I mean . . ." Alex faltered.

Olivia sighed. "I know what you mean, sweetie, but you're wrong. _You're_ not damaged, not at all."

Alex looked away. "I'm sorry –"

Olivia put a hand on Alex's shoulder, and immediately felt guilty when Alex shrank from her touch. "Sweetheart, Lily was telling me about some of the books you'd read with her. Where did you get them?" She was trying to change the subject, but realized the split second after she'd said it that she probably shouldn't have.

Alex began to cry again, sliding as far away from Olivia as she could, and Olivia sighed again, holding a hand out to her girlfriend.

"Don't cry, Alex. I'm sorry for asking. Please don't cry."

Alex didn't take the outstretched hand. "His friend," she finally whispered. "He was good to Lily – Liv, I lied to you."

Olivia cocked her head. "What did you lie about, baby?"

"Lily – she might be his. I – I don't know."

"You mean his friend?"

Alex nodded. "I don't know. I think maybe – maybe that's why he was nice to her, because – because he thought she was his. I don't know if it's true."

"Lily said the man who kidnapped you brought her books."

Alex sighed. "I told her not to mention him to you. I didn't – I didn't want you to know. I'm sorry."

Olivia wanted to cry at what her poor Alex had endured. She'd been through hell and survived, and now she couldn't stop apologizing for it. "He raped you, too?"

"Before I had Lily – and – and Oliver – and again, sometimes. My master – he let his friends take – take their turns. He – he let them touch me whenever they – whenever they wanted."

Olivia's heart broke. "How many of them, baby?" she whispered, her training kicking in despite herself.

Alex sniffled. "Too many. Six, maybe seven. Eight. I was his _prize_. His pet. He wanted to show me off – how _good _I was. He would brag about how obedient I was, how I would kneel for hours for him, how I would let him do whatever he wanted. Of course, because he'd beat me if I didn't. And my babies." She looked back up at Olivia, tears shining in her eyes. "They hurt me so bad, Liv. He would bring them all into his room, and he'd whip me and let them watch, and then he'd let each of them rape me. Like this pathetic ritual I was too weak to stop. And I tried not to pass out – I was so scared they'd hurt Lily and Oliver if I did. But then, I just couldn't hold on anymore! And they'd finish up anyway. Like it was a _game_. I just – I couldn't fight anymore. All they did was hurt me more, and I couldn't take any more pain."

Olivia's throat constricted, and all she wanted to do was hold Alex in her arms and shield her from the horrors of the world she knew so well, to protect her from the pain she'd endured for so long. "You're not weak, Alex," she finally said when she was able to speak, her voice cracking with emotion. "Not in the slightest."

Alex closed her eyes and didn't say anything. Her hands instinctively went to her breasts, covering them from Olivia's gaze.

Olivia took a deep breath. "Do you want to try to sleep, Alex? I'll hold you if you want me to."

Alex nodded, and Olivia pulled the plug. As the water started to drain from the bathtub, she got out and held out a towel for Alex. Hands still resting protectively on her breasts, Alex climbed out of the tub, avoiding Olivia's eyes as the detective wrapped her in the warm towel. She kissed Alex's forehead and led her to the bedroom. She handed Alex a fresh pair of pajamas, and Alex silently put them on. She lay down on the bed and curled up on her side, facing away from Olivia.

Olivia lay down beside her and started to gently rub Alex's back. "I love you," she said softly. "And I'm sorry I made you relive everything tonight. That wasn't my intention."

Alex sighed. "Not everything."

And at her words, Olivia's heart broke a little more.

**Review for chapter nineteen!**


	19. Chapter 19

Mercifully, Alex fell asleep around 5:30. Olivia held her as her breathing slowed and evened out. "I love you," she whispered in Alex's ear. "I love you so much, sweetheart."

Alex instinctively curled into Olivia, and the detective smiled and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

Olivia stayed awake for the next couple of hours. She wanted to be sure she would be there if Alex awoke, with a fear real or imagined. She would do what she could to protect the woman she loved.

* * *

Lily bounded into the room, clutching her doll, and jumped on the bed around 7:00. "'Morning, 'Livia!"

Olivia held a finger to her lips. "Shh, sweetie. Mommy's sleeping."

Lily smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Sara says 'morning, too." She brought her doll up to give Olivia a kiss. "Will you play with me?"

Olivia glanced at Alex, trying to gauge whether she'd be all right if she woke up and found Olivia wasn't in the bed with her. After their tumultuous night, Olivia wasn't sure. "Okay," she finally said. "I'll make you breakfast, and then we can play _Sorry!_ in here. But we've got to be quiet so we don't wake up Mommy. Okay?"

Lily nodded and took Olivia's hand. She skipped into the kitchen, Olivia at her heels.

Lily sat down at the kitchen table. "May I please have pancakes?"

Olivia smiled. "Sure, since you asked so nicely."

"Can Sara have some too?"

"How about she shares yours?"

Lily smiled. "'Kay."

Olivia started to get out the ingredients for pancakes. "Will you find me the milk, please?"

Lily offered her another smile. "Okay." She took the carton of milk and set it down on the counter.

"So, Lily, can you tell me about the person who gave you books when you were with the man?" Olivia asked casually.

Lily's face closed off. "No."

"How come?" She took out the pancake mix, deliberately trying not to make a big deal out of this.

"'Cause Mommy said don't."

"Don't what?"

"Tell you 'bout it."

"Sweetheart, you can tell me. It's okay."

Lily looked away. "I telled you a lie. And Mommy says I'm not s'post to lie, but then she telled me to tell you that the man bringed me books."

"Right, but I know that's not true, Lil. The other man gave you books. Can you tell me about him?"

Lily bit her lip. "He was nice to me. 'Cept not to Mommy. There was a bunch of them, and they roped Mommy on the bed. He hurted her too. She was crying. Me, too."

"He hurt you, too?"

"No. He was nice to me. He bringed me books and toys sometimes, and he gived me piggybacks. But I cried when he hurted Mommy. I telled him to stop, 'cept he didn't listen."

Olivia sighed. She knelt down so she was eye level with Lily and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry that happened to you and your Mommy, Lil. But no one is going to hurt you ever again. I won't let them."

Lily pulled back. "Mommy said the nice man was going to help me find you."

Olivia cocked her head. "How?"

"It was when I was a baby. Mommy said I had another mommy – you. She said you were a police officer and I had to find you. The nice man was going to help me. Mommy said I had to pretend to be really sick, and then the nice man would take me to the hospital, and I was s'post to tell someone to call you. 'Livia Benson, Special Victims Unit, Manhattan. Mommy made me 'member that. She said the nice man wouldn't want me to be sick, 'cept I couldn't tell him 'bout you. I was s'post to run away from him."

Still trying to seem nonchalant, Olivia asked, "And what happened?"

"Nothing." Lily began to cry. "I didn't want to leave Mommy. I was scared! And she said I had to, that I had to be a big girl and get help, but I said no. And Mommy maked me stay in the closet all by myself for a hundred million days. She was mad at me and she wouldn't even talk to me, even when I had bad dreams."

Olivia kissed Lily's forehead. "I'm sorry she asked you to do that, honey. But you know what? Your Mommy was just as scared as you were, which is the only reason why she asked you to do it. She didn't want anyone to hurt you. She wanted you to be with me."

Lily raised her head and wiped at her tears. "Now we are with you. Me and Mommy. But 'Livia, I didn't want to leave her alone. The man would hurt her. And I didn't want to be by myself."

"I know, sweetie. I understand."

Lily rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and nodded, her body slowly relaxing in Olivia's arms. She sniffled. "Can I help you make the pancakes?" she asked, looking up again.

Olivia nodded and gave her a smile. She helped Lily to her feet. "You can help me crack the eggs."

Lily smiled back. "Okay."

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

They finished making the pancakes and sat down at the table to eat.

"Remember to save one for Mommy," Lily said. "Or two."

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Lily's ear. "Sure."

"But 'Livia – don't tell Mommy I told you. 'Bout the nice man. She said don't. She'll be mad."

"It's okay, sweetie. She'll understand."

Lily put her head down and pushed her plate away. "I'm not hungry anymore."

Olivia sighed. "If you help me put our plates away, we can go play checkers."

Lily shook her head. "Let's bring Mommy her pancakes!"

"Okay. Will you bring your plate to the dishwasher, please?"

Lily nodded and helped Olivia clear the table. "Can I give Mommy her pancakes?"

Olivia smiled. "Sure. But be very careful not to drop the plate."

"I won't."

They walked into the master bedroom, where Alex was still asleep. Lily sat down on the bed beside her and lightly kissed Alex's forehead.

"Mommy, wake up. I bringed you breakfast!"

Alex rolled over and instinctively covered her head with her hands, but relaxed when she saw Lily. "Good morning, Lily."

"'Morning. I maked you breakfast!"

"You made me breakfast, huh?" Alex smiled and brushed Lily's hair back from her forehead. "All by yourself?"

Lily smiled sheepishly. "Well, 'Livia helped." She held out the plate.

Alex gave her a kiss. "Thanks, baby."

She smiled up at Olivia and held a hand out to her. Olivia took it and gave it a squeeze.

Lily snuggled up against Alex and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Don't do that, Lily," Alex said gently, taking Lily's hand in her other one. "Germs."

Lily looked up at her mother. "Sorry, Mommy," she said sweetly.

Alex chuckled. "Can I have the breakfast that my two favorite girls prepared for me now?"

Lily's eyes sparkled. "But I'm your favoritest, right?"

"My most favorite," Alex corrected her.

"Yeah, your most favorite."

"Both of you are my most favorite."

Lily giggled. "That's silly, Mommy. There's only one _most _favorite!"

Alex heaved an exaggerated sigh. "You're my favorite daughter and Olivia's my favorite girlfriend."

Lily laughed again. "Mommy! I'm your _only _daughter!"

"And I sincerely hope I'm your _only _girlfriend," said Olivia with a smile.

Alex kissed her cheek. "Don't worry, Liv. You are."

"Cop out," said Olivia with mock irritation.

Alex shrugged. "Even if I had a million other girlfriends, you would be my favorite."

"In that case, why would you _want _a million other girlfriends?"

Alex pretended to think about it. "Good point." She sat up in bed and started her pancakes. "These are really good, Lily. Thanks."

Olivia gave Alex her best puppy dog eyes. "What about me?"

Alex chuckled. "You, too."

Olivia smiled. Alex seemed so much . . . _better _this morning. Of course, she knew that post-traumatic stress disorder was an emotional rollercoaster, but Alex seemed not only functional, but _happy_. Olivia was glad.

She slid over to Alex and started to gently rub her back. She kissed the crown of Alex's head, and Alex gave her a smile through a mouthful of pancakes. "Are you feeling up to a game of _Sorry!_?" she asked when Alex had finished eating.

Alex nodded. "I think I remember how to play, but you might have to remind me."

Lily bounced on the bed, grinning. "We got the Disney version! I call yellow. That's the Disney princesses. 'Cept there's no Sleeping Beauty. She's my favorite, 'cause she's Mommy."

Alex chuckled and wrapped an arm around Lily. "We have such a precious little girl," she told Olivia.

Olivia smiled. "She gets it from you." She turned to her daughter. "Sweetie, will you go put the plate in the dishwasher? Your mommy and I will set up _Sorry!_"

Lily nodded. She gave Alex a butterfly kiss, which made Alex smile, and ran to go put the plate in the dishwasher.

"Careful, Lily! I don't want you to trip, or drop the plate!" called Olivia after her.

Lily obediently slowed down, and once Olivia was sure their daughter was out of earshot, she turned to Alex.

"Sweetheart," she said softly. "Lily told me about the man who brought her books, and the plan you had."

Alex's head snapped up, her eyes blazing. "Olivia! I told you not to ask her about that. Why is it that I tell you what I need and then you go and do the opposite?"

"Alex, I know you're angry with me, and I guess you have the right to be. That's why I'm telling you now. I'm sorry."

Alex sighed and leaned back against her pillow. "It was all for her, Liv. She was all that mattered. I know I was asking something completely unreasonable for a three-year-old, and I know I hurt her, and she didn't deserve that. Forgive me, please."

"Alex, it's okay. I understand why you did it."

"No. It's not okay. I thought – no, I wasn't thinking. It was after – Oliver – and I was just so scared that he would make me kill Lily, too. I just had to protect her. Even if I'd never see her again, I had to make sure she got out okay. I told her to find you, that you were her other mother and you loved her and would take care of her. I made her memorize your badge number, and I told her that when she got out, in the hospital or wherever, to tell the first person she saw that she was hurt and she needed them to call the police, and give them your name and badge number, and to tell you what happened. But she couldn't do it. She was scared, and I guess – it wasn't such a smart plan after all. God, I was just so desperate – I needed to keep my baby safe. But he could have hurt her. My master's friend, I mean. He could have kept her, and I never would have known. He could have _killed_ her. I just – I figured if he thought she was his, he wouldn't do anything to her. But I couldn't count on that. I should have known better. I don't know how she would have survived without me, then. I mean she might have been better off, but I was all she knew." Alex sighed. "No, honestly, I don't know how I would have survived without her. I would have gone out of my mind. She was all I lived for." She met Olivia's eyes. "And you."

"That must have been unbearable, having to make a decision like that," said Olivia quietly. She wrapped her arms around Alex, rocking her gently as tears started to stream down her cheeks. "Shh, sweetie. It's okay. It's over now. You're safe, both of you. I'm here."

Alex leaned into Olivia and clung to her neck. "I love you," she whimpered.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Oh, baby, I love you, too."

Lily trotted into the room a moment later, her face falling as she saw Alex and Olivia. "Mommy, don't cry," she said, climbing onto the bed and taking Alex's hand.

Alex smiled through her tears and gave her daughter's hand a squeeze. "I'm okay, Lily."

Lily laid her head in Alex's lap and Alex lightly rubbed her back. "You didn't set up the game."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Let's do it now."

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth. "I'll go get the game. It's in my room."

"Germs," Alex called as Lily jumped off the bed and started to run to her bedroom.

"Sorry," Lily called back, and took her thumb out of her mouth.

Olivia turned to Alex and gave her a kiss. "You okay?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. "Let's play _Sorry!_ with our daughter."

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


	21. Chapter 21

Tuesday morning, Alex made breakfast while Olivia sat Lily down in the kitchen to talk. "Sweetie, today your mommy and I are going to take you to talk to a friend of ours. Her name is Dr. Lennox, and she's a psychologist."

"What's a 'cologist?"

"A psychologist is someone who helps you when you're going through a tough time, when you're angry, or when you're sad, or when you just need someone to talk to."

"Will she help Mommy?"

Olivia smiled. "Well, your mommy is going to see a different psychologist, and she's going to help your mommy feel better, too. But Dr. Lennox is for you to talk to."

"Will you stay with me?"

"I will if you want me to, but I think you'll be okay by yourself." Olivia brushed Lily's hair back from her forehead. "You know what, honey? I bet Dr. Lennox will have some cool toys that she'll let you play with if you ask really nicely."

"Hey! Don't bribe my daughter!" Alex called.

"'Livia, what's _bribe_?" asked Lily.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I'm not bribing her, Alex. Calm down." She turned back to Lily. "You could bring Sara with and show her to Dr. Lennox."

Lily considered. "Okay."

Olivia smiled and kissed her forehead. "Great. Now are you ready to have these delicious waffles your mommy made for us?"

Lily batted her eyelashes. "With whip cream?"

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Oh, you'll have to ask Mommy about that."

Lily turned to Alex. "Mommy, may I please have whip cream?" she asked sweetly.

Alex chuckled. "Okay, sweetheart. Since you asked so nicely, you may have whipped cream."

Lily clapped her hands. "Yay!"

* * *

After breakfast, Olivia and Alex took Lily to see Dr. Lennox. The session would only be an hour long, and the two of them were going to take a short walk through Central Park before picking up their daughter. For Alex, this would be a big step, but Olivia was confident that she could handle it.

Dr. Lennox's office was on the sixth floor, and Lily jumped up and down in excitement when she saw the elevator. "Mommy, 'Livia, can I press the button?" She squeezed her doll tightly and amended, "May I pretty please with a cherry on top press the button?"

Alex smiled. "Yes, sweetheart, you may." Lily was just too adorable when she turned on the charm.

Lily pushed the up button, and when the elevator door opened, she asked, "May I please press this button, too?"

"Sure. Press the six."

Lily beamed. "Sara's gonna press it." She lifted her doll to the sixth button and pressed it.

Lily clung to Alex's hand as they walked into Dr. Lennox's office. They sat down in the waiting room and Lily pointed to the pile of picture books sitting on a table.

"Mommy, look! Can I read one?"

"Sure, sweetie. Do you want me to read it to you?"

Lily nodded and curled up on Olivia's lap. "Mommy read to me."

"Okay. Which one do you want?"

Lily pointed to _Green Eggs and Ham_.

Alex rolled her eyes. "Sweetheart, I've read that one to you a hundred times."

Lily grinned, fluttering her eyelashes. "A million billion."

"That's right."

"I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am." Lily smiled up at Alex. "I will not eat them in a house. I will not eat them with a mouse. I will not eat them here or there. I will not eat them anywhere!"

Alex groaned. "See, you know all the words already! Why don't you read that one to me?"

Lily turned to Olivia, giving the detective her sweetest smile. "'Livia, will you pretty please with a cherry on top read it to me?"

Olivia chuckled and glanced at Alex, who slightly inclined her head. "Sure, Lil."

They'd gotten halfway through the book by the time a tall woman with dark hair came out of her office and glanced at Olivia. Olivia assumed that the woman was Dr. Lennox.

The woman gave her a smile and held out her hand. "Ms. Benson? I'm Grace Lennox."

Olivia smiled back and shook the proffered hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Dr. Lennox knelt down in front of Lily. "Are you Lily?" she asked.

Lily nodded and hugged her doll. "And this is Sara. She's my baby."

Dr. Lennox smiled. "I was thinking that you and I would play a game for a little while until your mom and Olivia get back."

Lily glanced at Olivia, then back at Dr. Lennox. "What game?"

Alex glanced at Olivia. _Bribery_, she mouthed. Olivia smiled and shook her head.

"Why don't you come into my office and you can choose one?" suggested Dr. Lennox.

Lily smiled. "Okay." She took Dr. Lennox's hand and blew Alex a kiss. "'Bye, Mommy. 'Bye 'Livia."

Olivia turned to Alex and raised an eyebrow. "That was easy."

Alex laughed. "We have such a manipulative four-year-old. She's got you wrapped around her little finger."

Olivia chuckled. "Look who's talking!"

Alex kissed Olivia's cheek. "Point taken."

Olivia smiled at her. "Ready to get lunch?"

"Liv! We just ate!"

"_You _didn't. You had half a glass of orange juice and a banana. That's not breakfast, Alex. You're going to just slip away if I don't feed you."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll let you buy me a hot dog if it'll make you feel better."

"Aw, well, thanks for humoring me, Alex. Much appreciated."

Alex chuckled. "Let's get going before I change my mind."

**Review for chapter twenty-two!**


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia and Alex walked through Central Park, holding hands and smiling as the sun beamed down upon them. It had been too long since they'd done this – four years, to be exact. Olivia had missed it so much. This was _their _spot, where they'd gone after their first date to watch the sun set. They'd perched on the rock they always thought of as theirs and sat for nearly an hour, not speaking, just watching, fingers intertwined.

Olivia pointed the rock out to Alex. "Do you remember, baby?"

Alex smiled, taking a bite of the hot dog Olivia had insisted on buying for her. She nodded. "Come on." She pulled Olivia toward the rock and they sat down.

Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap and Olivia threaded her fingers through her hair. "I love you," she said.

Alex sighed. She looked up at Olivia, her eyes full of pain, but Olivia saw the message reflected in them.

"It's okay, baby," she said gently, and kissed Alex's hair. "I know."

Alex's body relaxed into Olivia, and she closed her eyes, content to just lie there with Olivia in their special spot until it was time to pick up their daughter.

Olivia gave Alex another kiss and massaged her shoulders. "Hey, have another bite of your hot dog," she said lightly.

"Liv, do you know how many calories are in this thing?"

"Oh, please. Since when have _you _had to worry about calories?"

"Okay, fat content. That's what I meant."

"If you're not going to eat it, can I have it?"

Alex made a face, but obediently handed over the hot dog. "Trans fat, Liv."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I have better things to worry about." She took Alex's hand and gave it a squeeze.

They sat in silence for twenty minutes or so, then they got up and started back to the car to pick up Lily.

"Do you think she's okay?" asked Alex. "She's never really been with someone she didn't know before, without one of us. Except with – with him."

"Don't worry. Dr. Lennox would have called us if there was a problem," Olivia assured her. "She has my cell number."

Alex climbed into the passenger seat. "I know. I just – I worry. That's my job."

Olivia smiled. "That's okay. So do I." She gave Alex another kiss. "I love her, Alex. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone else in the world, except maybe you. I love both of you so, so much."

Alex didn't say anything. She just reached over and hugged Olivia, pulling her close and squeezing her tightly until tears were swimming in both of their eyes.

* * *

They arrived at Dr. Lennox's office eight minutes early, and sat quietly in the waiting room. Alex clung to Olivia's hand, grasping it so tightly that Olivia's fingers started to turn purple, but Olivia didn't tell Alex to loosen her grip. She would do whatever it took to comfort the woman she loved.

The door to Dr. Lennox's office opened a few moments later, and Lily skipped out, beaming as she ran to her mother. "Mommy!" she cried, climbing into Alex's lap. "Look what Grace gave me." She showed Alex a happy face sticker on her hand. "'Cause I winned checkers. And I got to play with the Barbies!"

Alex smiled at Lily and held her close, kissing the crown of Lily's head. "So I'm guessing you'll be more than happy to come back next week."

Lily beamed and planted a sloppy kiss on Alex's cheek. She rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "Will you please carry me?"

Alex smiled and gave Lily a kiss. "In a couple minutes, baby." She glanced up at Dr. Lennox. "Can you wait here for a moment? Olivia and I are going to talk to Dr. Lennox."

Lily nodded and hugged her doll to her chest. "Be quick." She smiled. "Like Jack!"

Alex chuckled. "Like Jack." She gave Lily one last kiss and followed Olivia into Dr. Lennox's office.

At Dr. Lennox's invitation, Alex and Olivia sat down on the couch across from her desk. "So how did it go?" asked Olivia quietly.

"For what she's been through, she's adjusted quite well, but children are surprisingly resilient," said Dr. Lennox. "She's a great kid. Sweet, affectionate, and very, very bright." She hesitated. "She told me parts of what happened. She was playing with the Barbies and she was using them to act out her abuse. Don't be alarmed if that happens – it's perfectly normal for children her age. It means they're processing what's happened to them."

Olivia nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

Dr. Lennox smiled. "So we're good for next week?"

"I think so."

"In that case, I'll see you then."

Olivia took Alex's hand. They walked back out to the waiting room where Lily was curled up on a chair, sound asleep.

Olivia smiled. "I guess she's tired out from all that playing. You want to take her?"

Alex nodded and lifted Lily onto her hip, being careful not to wake her. Lily stirred and instinctively held her doll more tightly, but she didn't open her eyes.

They went downstairs to the car and Alex buckled Lily into the booster seat Olivia had bought. They drove home in silence, and Olivia carried Lily up to their apartment. She tucked the little girl into bed and kissed her forehead. "I love you."

"Mmm," Lily murmured, still half-asleep, and rolled onto her side.

Olivia smiled and left the room, leaving the door open just a crack. She went out to the family room where Alex was lounging on the couch, flipping channels on the television. "Move over," she said with a smirk. "I want to sit with you."

Alex clucked her tongue. "Bossy." But she obediently scooted over to make room for Olivia.

Olivia sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around Alex. "I had a good time today," she said quietly. "Going for a walk with you."

Alex gave her a smile. "Me, too."

"We have to do it again sometime."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "With Lily. She's never been to the park."

"Of course."

Alex yawned. "I shouldn't be so tired," she muttered. "We only walked around for, what, half an hour?"

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "It's okay. You're just not used to exercise."

Alex closed her eyes. "Define _exercise_."

Olivia sighed. "Let's not go down this road, Alex. It isn't helpful."

Alex didn't respond. She just took a deep breath and lay back against Olivia, trying to relax as Olivia gently rubbed her back. "Liv, I –" she tried to say, wondering why the words were suddenly so difficult to get out.

"It's okay," said Olivia quietly, and gave Alex a kiss. "I love you, too."

**Review for chapter twenty-three!**


	23. Chapter 23

The next day, Alex and Olivia made a plan to take Lily to the park that afternoon. "Can I bring Sara?" she'd asked, chewing on her lip.

"Of course you can," said Olivia. "We can pack a picnic, and Sara can share. How about you go play for a bit, and we'll tell you when it's time to go?"

Lily nodded. "'Kay."

Alex and Olivia wrapped up sandwiches and packed juice boxes and fruit in a cooler pack to bring to the park. "Why don't you get Lily and tell her it's time to go?" said Alex.

"Lily!" called Olivia. "Time to go."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Olivia, _I _could have done that. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only grownup in this house."

Olivia smiled sheepishly. "I'll go get her." She rapped lightly on Lily's bedroom door. "Can I come in, honey?"

"Yeah," came the muffled reply, and Olivia opened the door.

Lily was on the floor playing with her dollhouse and her dolls. One of the dolls wasn't wearing any clothes, and she had a small piece of black cloth wrapped around her neck.

"What are you doing, Lily?"

"Playing dolls. This is the daddy and this is the mommy," Lily explained, pointing to her Ken doll and a blonde Barbie. "And here's the baby." She pointed to the closet in her dollhouse. The door was open just a crack, and Olivia glimpsed another, smaller doll with blonde hair inside. "The mommy forgetted to lock the door."

"What's she doing, Lil?"

"Hiding."

"How come?"

"'Cause the mommy telled her to stay there so her daddy wouldn't hurt her."

Olivia bit her lip and nodded. "And what's that around the mommy's neck? Is it a necklace?"

Lily shook her head. "No, it's a collar. Like for puppies. The daddy wants her to be his doggy." She looked up at Olivia. "Do you want to be the daddy?"

"No, thanks, baby."

Lily shrugged and picked up the Barbie and Ken again. She sat the Ken down on the couch and laid the Barbie facedown over his lap. She picked up the Ken's hand and brought it down hard on the Barbie, simulating a spanking. Olivia felt tears rush to her eyes, knowing that Lily was just acting out what she'd seen, but four-year-olds shouldn't know about abuse in this way. And Lily still thought the man was her father, that they were a _family_. It made Olivia sick.

"Why's the daddy hurting the mommy, Lily?" she asked, trying hard to keep her emotions in check.

"'Cause that's what they have to do before they go to bed."

"What happens when they go to bed?"

Lily picked up the dolls and demonstrated. She shoved the Ken doll's hand between the Barbie's legs. "No, don't," she said in a high-pitched voice, clearly mimicking Alex. Then in a lower voice, she said, "Shut up!" She took the Ken doll's other hand and used it to smack the Barbie across the face. "It hurts!" she said, switching back to the high-pitched voice. "You like it, you whore," she growled, and made the Ken slap the Barbie again.

"Lily!"

Both of them looked up to find Alex standing in the doorway, her eyes fixed on the dolls in Lily's hands.

Lily smiled at her mother. "Hi, Mommy. Will you play with me? You can be the mommy."

Alex stared at Lily in horror, as if she no longer recognized her own daughter. "Baby," she whispered, and ran to Lily, folding her daughter into her firm embrace.

Lily's expression changed to confusion. "What's wrong, Mommy?"

"What were you doing, Lily?"

"Playing."

"Sweetie – that isn't – that's not –"

"It's okay, Mommy. 'Livia was gonna come in and save the mommy and the baby." She climbed out of Alex's arms and held up her teddy bear. "This is 'Livia." She brought the teddy bear over to the dollhouse and picked up the Ken doll. "You're under arrest," she said in a low voice. She put the Ken on the floor beside her bed and moved the teddy to the closet. She made her teddy bear pick up the baby doll. "Shh, you're safe," she made the teddy say, and turned to Alex. "See? 'Livia saved them. Don't cry."

Tears were leaking from Alex's eyes, and she just shook her head. Olivia wrapped her arms around her and gently stroked Alex's hair. "Remember what Dr. Lennox said, baby?" she said quietly. "It's normal. Absolutely normal."

"I know," whimpered Alex. "But still – but still – she shouldn't know about that kind of thing."

"I know she shouldn't, ideally, baby, but she does. It's unfortunate, but we need to work from here."

Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and didn't say anything.

Olivia rubbed Alex's back and turned to Lily. "Sweetheart, the way Ken and Barbie are acting – that isn't the way people who love each other act."

"I know, 'Livia. See, this is what they do." Lily picked up the teddy bear and the Barbie and made them hug each other. She sat her teddy down on the couch and put the Barbie down on his lap. She made the teddy give the Barbie a kiss. "Teddy makes Barbie feel better, 'cause he loves her." She made the teddy bear whisper in the Barbie's ear, "Nobody's gonna hurt you. I'm here."

Olivia forced a smile, even though she really wanted to cry herself. "That's right, princess."

Lily looked up at Alex, who still had tears in her eyes. "What did I do, Mommy?"

Alex opened her arms, and Lily walked into them and let Alex hold her. "Nothing, baby. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I made 'Livia save you."

Alex just sighed and kissed Lily's forehead, and Olivia knew they weren't going to get to the park today.

**Review for chapter twenty-four!**


	24. Chapter 24

Olivia felt as if she was being torn in two directions. Alex needed her now – she was so afraid. She'd been doing so much better for the past few days, and now this was going to set her back again. And then there was Lily, who didn't even realize what she'd done wrong. Olivia knew she hadn't done anything wrong; she was just being an ordinary child processing an extraordinary trauma in the only way she knew how. She knew that on some level, Alex understood that, but that didn't make it any easier.

She wrapped her arms around both of them and kissed the crown of Alex's head. The familiar weight in her arms was so soothing, and she rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "I love you," she said again, because it was all she could think to say.

Lily climbed off Alex's lap and looked at the two of them in confusion. "Mommy, 'Livia, what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything, princess," said Olivia quietly. "Why don't you put your dolls away?"

"Mommy, why are you sad?"

Olivia hugged Alex more tightly. "Lily, if you can be a big girl and clean up your room, I'll put on a movie for you."

"_Snow White_?"

"Sure. Do you think you can have your dolls put away by the time the clock says 11:50?"

"'Kay." Lily started to snatch up her dolls and throw them into her drawers.

"Careful, Lil. You don't want to break them."

Lily nodded, her attention diverted for the moment. She finished putting away the dolls and turned to Olivia triumphantly. "The clock says 11:48!"

Olivia held out her hand for a high-five. "I'm impressed. Want me to put on the movie for you?"

Lily nodded again. "Will you and Mommy watch with me?"

"Not right now, sweetie. Maybe we'll come sit with you later, okay?"

"Okay. Sara will watch with me."

Olivia smiled. "Okay." She tried to stand up, but Alex was clinging to her too tightly for her to move. "Baby, I'm going to put on a movie for Lily," she said softly, and kissed Alex's forehead. "Can you let go of me for a sec? I'll be right back, I promise."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm okay," she said, more to reassure herself than anything. She relinquished her grip on Olivia and wrapped her arms around herself instead. She got to her feet, still trembling, and started toward the master bedroom.

Olivia was torn between following her, feeling the almost magnetic urge to comfort her girlfriend, to hug her and hold her and assure her that everything was okay, and turning on the movie for Lily like she'd said she would.

Shaking her head, she forced herself to snap out of it. She would put on the movie for Lily and then go to Alex. She took Lily's hand and they walked toward the family room, where Olivia put in the DVD and pressed play. Lily curled up on the couch and stuck her thumb in her mouth, holding her doll in her lap. Olivia wanted to tell her to take her thumb out of her mouth, as Alex would, but she couldn't quite bring herself to.

She kissed Lily's forehead and gave Lily's doll a kiss for good measure, which made the little girl smile. "I'm going to go sit with Mommy," Olivia said quietly. "You can come get one of us if you need anything, okay?"

"Uh huh."

Olivia smiled weakly and started toward her bedroom.

She found Alex curled up on the bed, staring listlessly at the ceiling. "I scared Lily," she said dully. "Again. God, I'm such a horrible mother. She'd be better off . . ."

"Alex." Olivia took Alex's hands in her own and held her gaze steady. "Alex, you love her, and she loves you. That's all that matters."

"Oh, of course," Alex said sarcastically. "Abusers can never love the children they abuse, and abused children can never love their abusers. That's _absolutely_ true."

"Alex – Alex you don't abuse Lily. You never have. You've done what you've had to do for her to survive."

"Olivia, I screwed her up so bad – she was acting out what happened to us with her dolls. She was making them hurt each other. And then she was making you come save us."

"Alex, it's _normal_. She's processing what happened to you. It's the first step to healing. That's what Dr. Lennox said."

"When did she say that?"

"Yesterday. You were there with me, remember?"

"You're paraphrasing, and drawing incorrect conclusions."

"Alex, I don't want to get into semantics with you. I know this is really tough for you, but we need to let Lily express herself in whatever way she knows how, and process the trauma as best she can."

Alex buried her head in her hands. "God, Liv. I _exposed _her to that."

"Sweetheart, that wasn't your fault. What else could you have done?"

"I could have – I could have fought harder – could have made him – made him stop – could have protected her."

"Alex, be realistic. How would you have done that?"

"Don't tell me to be realistic!"

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry. I know you've seen more of the real world than anyone should ever have to."

"Don't treat me like a child, Olivia. I'm not."

"I know, sweetie. I'm sorry." Olivia was doing her best, but every single thing she said seemed to make it worse. She didn't know how to help Alex anymore, and that was what scared her most.

Alex turned onto her side so her back was to Olivia. "Go watch the movie with Lily."

"No, Alex – talk to me, baby, please. I know you're in pain and I just want to help you. Please, tell me what you need."

"Olivia, you can't fix me! Now go away."

"Alex, I won't. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

Alex began to cry. "I just want to be by myself, Liv. That's all."

Olivia shook her head. She wrapped her arms around Alex and held her tight, until finally Alex's body slackened and her tears began to flow more freely. But still, she fought it, and tried to suppress her sobs. Her body shook with silent cries.

"It's okay to cry, sweetheart," Olivia soothed. "Just let it out. I'm here for you, no matter what. There, there." She rubbed comforting circles into Alex's back. "I love you so much."

"Liv – Liv, I – I love you, too. I – I'm so – so sorry – I didn't – I didn't mean – I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "Alex, I know that Lily scared you, and I completely understand that. But it's normal, baby. Absolutely normal."

Alex took a deep breath. "I know. I was just – I was startled." More tears started to stream down her cheeks. "I wish – I wish I could just be normal again."

"Alex, you were with that monster for four years. Of course things aren't going to be exactly the same. I know that, sweetheart. It's okay. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough right now."

Alex turned away from Olivia. "And what about next week, and the week after, and the week after that? Will it still be enough?"

"Yeah, baby, it will be."

Alex shook her head. "Not for Lily. She deserves better. She needs a mother who can take care of her, and I can't."

"That's what I'm here for. Don't worry, Alex. Let's just take it one day at a time."

Alex smiled weakly. "I'm not good at that."

"I know, baby. I promise, I'll be here for you every step of the way. I love you."

Alex sighed. "Liv, I know – you keep saying that, but I don't – I can't – I don't understand."

"Tell you what. How about you try not to think about it and think about it and analyze it over and over? Just feel it, sweetie. Look into my eyes and just know that I do love you, more than anything."

"I know you do. It just – it doesn't make any sense to me."

Olivia gave Alex a kiss. "We'll get there, baby. It might take time, but we'll get there."

Alex laid her head in Olivia's lap. "We will," she said, so quietly that Olivia barely heard. "Because I love you, too."

Olivia stroked Alex's hair and held her close. It was all she could do for her now, and she hoped it would be enough.

**Review for chapter twenty-five!**


	25. Chapter 25

The next morning, after a sleepless night during which Alex alternated between crying and apologizing to Olivia, over and over until she finally lapsed into silence. She tossed and turned for most of the night, until Olivia finally took her into her arms and held her until her sobs subsided and her trembling mostly abated.

Around 6:00, they decided that it was a decent hour to wake up. "I'll make breakfast," Olivia said, trying to smile. "What do you want? I can do pancakes – or pancakes – or pancakes. Or French toast, possibly. Or I could get out some fruit and a tortilla and we can have crepes."

Alex twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "Faux-crepes. Strawberry banana?"

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Sure." She started to get up, but Alex stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"I can do it."

"It's okay. I will. You can have a shower, or I'll run you a bath if you like."

Alex smiled weakly. "You want to get rid of me?" She meant it as a joke, but it came out more bitterly than she meant it to.

Olivia's eyes were full of sadness and she took Alex's hands in her own. "No, sweetie. Of course not." She gave Alex another kiss. "You can help me if you want to. We can make crepes for Lily. With yogurt, and whipped cream."

"For _breakfast_?"

"Well, if it's okay with you."

Alex shrugged. "Now that she's living with both of us, she's bound to get addicted to sugar sooner or later. Why not start now?"

Olivia chuckled. "You make it sound so horrible, but it isn't. Not really. Kids like sugar, and she's never had it before."

Alex smiled. "I know. I'm just teasing."

"I know." Olivia took Alex's hand. "Come on."

* * *

After the three of them ate breakfast, it was time for Alex's appointment with the psychologist. When Olivia reminded her of it, Alex began to cry and begged Olivia not to make her go.

"Sweetheart, I won't force you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I think it will help. Can you try for me? Just today. If you don't want to, you don't ever have to go back again."

Alex sniffled and wiped her eyes. "_No_."

Olivia sighed. "Alex –"

Alex curled up on the couch and rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia. She couldn't bear to meet her girlfriend's eyes and see the disappointment written in them.

She waited for Olivia's soothing presence, for her arms wrapped tightly around Alex, folding her into a protective embrace, but the comfort didn't come, and Alex felt immediately guilty for expecting it. She didn't deserve Olivia. She was a disappointment, and she would never be good enough.

Her head snapped up when she heard the distinct sound of barely suppressed sobs, and started when she realized they weren't her own. Her eyes searched for the source of the sound, and came upon Olivia, curled up on the chair across from the couch. She was crying, too.

Alex's breath caught in her throat. She had caused this. It was her fault.

She got up, although her legs shook and she had to grab onto the arm of the chair to steady herself, and went to Olivia, kneeling at her feet. "I'm sorry," she whispered, ducking her head in shame, not knowing how to comfort Olivia. Olivia had always been the strong one, and now their roles were reversed. Olivia had always been the one to comfort Alex before, and now it was Alex's turn to comfort her.

She felt Olivia's arm extend and instinctively ducked to avoid the blow, but Olivia pulled Alex to her and buried her face in Alex's hair, trying to muffle her sobs.

Alex began to cry again and lay her head in Olivia's lap. _She_ had done this to the woman she loved. "I'm sorry," she whispered, over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Alex," said Olivia quietly, taking a deep breath to compose herself. "Alex, I need you to try for me. I need you to go for just one time. If you don't want to, you don't have to keep going, but I need you to try just once."

Alex started to tremble, so hard that her teeth chattered. "I'm sorry, ma'am – I'm sorry – but I can't. I can't!"

"Alex, I can't help you if you don't let me."

"I don't – don't need – help," said Alex through her chattering teeth. She hugged herself in a futile attempt to warm herself up.

Olivia sighed and lifted Alex onto her lap. She held Alex tightly until her frail body calmed. "Sweetheart," she said after a few moments of silence, "you do. I know you don't like asking for help, but you do need it. We all do right now, and that's perfectly okay. It's _normal_, baby."

"I'm sorry." Alex's body began to shake again. "I can't, Liv. But – but I don't want to hurt you."

"Alex, you're not hurting me. You're hurting you, and that's even worse. You're right; it hurts me to see you hurting yourself."

"I don't care."

"But baby, I do, and you should. Lily does."

"Don't bring Lily into this, Olivia."

Olivia sighed again and gently rubbed Alex's arms. "Baby, I'm sorry."

"Liv, I just – I can't do it. I'm too – I'm scared."

"I know you are, sweetheart, but I promise I'll be there for you every step of the way."

"I'm not strong enough," Alex whispered.

"You are, baby." Olivia tried to smile. "You're the strongest person I know."

Alex pulled out of Olivia's embrace. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, and knelt at Olivia's feet again.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Sweetheart, I know you can do this."

Alex vehemently shook her head and moved away from Olivia, curling up in a ball and rocking herself back and forth.

Olivia decided to try a different tactic. "Alex, can you explain to me why you don't want to go?"

Suddenly, Alex looked up. "I'll go," she said. "By myself."

Olivia's first instinct was to say absolutely not, but she knew Alex wasn't a child and would resent being treated as such. She needed to be given choices, and freedom. But Olivia's impulse to protect the woman she loved was overpowering. "Sweetheart, I want to come with you."

"I don't _want _you with me!"

Olivia tried not to show Alex how much her words hurt. "How will you get there?"

"In a cab. Like a _normal _person."

Alex was too smart for her own good. Now if Olivia denied her, she would be saying that Alex wasn't a normal person, which wasn't true. Alex deserved her independence. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

Alex groaned and wiped a hand across her eyes. "_Yes_."

"Okay." Olivia handed Alex the business card with the address. "Here's the address, baby. Her name's Dr. Elizabeth Konikoff."

Alex took the card. With that, she got to her feet and stalked toward the front hall. Olivia followed her, and Alex glared at her girlfriend for a moment before pulling on her shoes, grabbing her purse, and leaving.

**Review for chapter twenty-six!**


	26. Chapter 26

As the door closed after Alex, Olivia dissolved into tears. She didn't understand why Alex's two hour absence would have such a profound affect on her – they'd been apart before, and Alex wasn't a child. She could handle herself for two hours. She would be fine. But they'd parted on angry terms, and that made Olivia feel awful. She wanted to apologize to Alex for trying to force her into something she wasn't comfortable with, but Alex hadn't brought her cell phone. Olivia briefly considered going after her, but she couldn't leave Lily home alone.

"'Livia?"

Olivia whirled around to find Lily standing in the hallway behind her, clutching her doll to her chest, eyes wide with fear.

"'Livia, what's wrong? Where's Mommy? How come you're sad?"

Olivia knelt down so she was eye level with Lily. "Remember how on Tuesday you went to see Dr. Lennox?"

"Yeah. And she gave me a sticker!"

"Right. So today, Mommy's going to see someone like Dr. Lennox too, to help her."

Lily giggled. "That's silly. Mommy doesn't like playing Barbies with _me_. How come she'd play Barbies with Dr. Lennox's friend?"

Olivia chuckled. "They do other things than play Barbies, honey. They talk, too."

"But Mommy could talk to us."

"And you could play Barbies with me."

"Yeah. Will you come play?"

"Sure, princess."

"But 'Livia, don't be sad, 'cause then I'll be sad, too."

Olivia smiled and wiped a stray tear from her eye. "Okay, sweetie. But you know what? It's okay to be sad sometimes."

"I know. But I don't like it." She looked up at Olivia. "I get scared."

"You don't need to be scared, baby. Sometimes Mommy and I are sad, but we will always love you and we will always be here for you. Do you understand that?"

Lily shook her head. "Mommy went away."

"She didn't go away, sweetheart." She glanced around the room and pointed to the clock on the wall. "When the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the two, Mommy will be back."

Lily sniffled. "Promise?"

"I promise. Now do you want to play Barbies?"

"Okay. You can be the mommy."

"How about we make them into princesses, Lil? We can have Ariel, Cinderella, Jasmine –"

"And Aurora! We can't forget Aurora!"

Olivia smiled and ruffled Lily's hair. "Of course. How could we forget Aurora?"

* * *

Three hours later, Alex still hadn't returned. Olivia tried to keep Lily occupied so she wouldn't notice the clock, but that only worked for so long.

"You lied to me!" Lily glared at Olivia and pointed at the clock. "The little hand is at the three and the big hand is at the one!"

Olivia bit her lip. "Mommy will be home soon, baby."

"No, she won't! She leaved me."

"She didn't leave you, Lily. She loves you. She wouldn't do that." _Would she?_ Olivia privately wondered.

Lily's lower lip started to tremble, and for a horrible moment, Olivia thought she was going to throw herself on the ground and start kicking and screaming. But Lily just sighed. "I don't care." She stuck her thumb in her mouth, turned and ran back to her bedroom, and slammed the door.

Olivia sighed, too. She considered going after Lily, but figured that she needed to be alone right now. Besides, what comfort could Olivia possibly offer? She didn't know where Alex was, either.

* * *

By 6:00, Alex hadn't come back, and Olivia was starting to really worry. As she started some Kraft Dinner for Lily, she briefly considered calling the police and putting out a missing person's bulletin. She knew that they wouldn't put one out for at least 24 hours, but Alex was one of their own, and after what she'd been through, Olivia was sure they would start looking for Alex immediately if she asked. But if nothing had happened to Alex, and she'd just gotten distracted and gone into a clothing store as she used to sometimes do, Alex would be offended.

Olivia wondered how likely that was, considering Alex hadn't brought much money with her. And it would be better to have Alex home safe and angry than not home and hurt.

She decided against it and set the table. "Lily! Dinner's ready."

Sulking, Lily trudged into the kitchen and plopped herself down in her chair. She moved her food around on her plate but didn't actually eat any of it.

"Are you not hungry?" asked Olivia.

Lily didn't look up. "Duh."

Olivia had a brief _oh no, my four-year-old is a teenager! _flash, but shook it off. "Lily, that's not polite."

Lily shrugged. "I don't care."

"Sweetheart, I know you miss Mommy, but that doesn't mean you can be rude to me."

At her words, Lily dissolved into silent tears, and Olivia sighed. She held out her arms and Lily walked into them. Olivia lifted her daughter onto her lap and rocked her in her arms.

Lily clung to Olivia. "I'm sorry."

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "I love you, baby. Nothing will ever change that."

"Even if Mommy doesn't?"

"Lily, your mommy loves you. Don't ever doubt that."

Lily raised her tearstained face. "How do you know?"

"Because she says so. All the time."

Lily's eyelids drooped and she stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Really?"

"Yeah, baby. She loves you more than anything."

"Then why did she hurt me?"

"Remember, Lily, I told you she didn't mean to."

"Not then – before."

"When do you mean then, sweetie?"

Lily looked away. "She hurted me. Back with the man. He said hit me and she did."

Olivia sighed. How could she explain it to her daughter? "Baby, if she didn't, the man would have hurt both of you even more."

Lily pursed her lips. "Still."

"I know, Lil. I know how awful that made you feel, but can I tell you something? That made your mommy feel awful, too."

"Then why'd she hurt me?"

"She had to, sweetie."

Lily burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "Mommies are s'post to protect you, 'cept Mommy didn't protect me!"

"She couldn't, Lily. She did the best she could for you. You have to remember that." Then Olivia stopped, realizing that Lily wouldn't understand. How could she? She was only four years old, and all she knew was that her mother had hurt her. How could she be sure that Alex wouldn't do it again?

Lily curled up against Olivia. "You'd never hurt me."

"That's right, baby. Never. But neither would Mommy."

Lily glared at her. "You're lying to me. You don't know _anything_." With that, Lily climbed out of Olivia lap and stomped toward her room, slamming the door behind her.

Olivia sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Now her daughter was mad at her, and she still didn't know where Alex was. This was going to be a wonderful evening.

**Review for chapter twenty-seven!**


	27. Chapter 27

Around 10:30, Olivia heard the front door open. She froze and instinctively picked up her gun, then crept toward the door, not wanting the intruder to hear her.

She turned the corner and held her gun up, pointing it at the door. "Freeze. Show me your hands."

Alex looked right back at her. "Liv! What the hell?"

Olivia dropped the gun in surprise, letting it clatter to the floor. "Alex, where the hell were you? You left nine hours ago. I was going to call the police!"

Alex rolled her eyes. "You _are _the police."

"Well, you better have a damned good reason for being out so late."

"Liv, you're not my keeper!"

"You could have _called_, Alex. It's called common courtesy." Her voice softened slightly. "We were worried, Alex."

Alex pulled off her shoes. "So?"

"_So_? What's wrong with you, Alex? Our daughter thought you'd left her, for God's sake, and I couldn't tell her you hadn't because I didn't know it myself!"

Alex glared at her. "_My _daughter."

"Well, you're sure not acting like it."

"I gave birth to her, Olivia. And don't yell at me."

"I'm not –" Olivia lowered her voice. "I'm not yelling. Sweetheart, I was just worried. That's all."

Alex stalked toward the bedroom. "I don't need you."

Olivia sighed as the door slammed – again. "Okay," she said to herself, and started toward the family room. She assumed she'd be sleeping here tonight, considering both of her girls had slammed their doors in her faces and told her quite clearly that she was unwanted. She hoped Alex would go in to tell Lily that she was home, but she wasn't certain that Lily was at the forefront of Alex's mind right now. Besides, Lily might already be asleep.

She grabbed a blanket from the linen closet and sprawled out on the sofa, shifting to get comfortable although it was nearly impossible on the hard couch. Hearing Alex's barely-suppressed sobs from the bedroom, she felt a twinge of sympathy for her girlfriend, but quickly shook it off. This, at least, Alex had brought upon herself. She should have just come home instead of frightening both Olivia and Lily.

The urge to go to Alex and comfort her was almost overwhelming, but Olivia knew she had to resist it. Alex didn't want her there, and frankly, she was still angry with Alex and didn't want to blow up on her. But she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep while Alex was still crying. She rolled onto her side, trying not to listen to Alex's quiet sobs, her heart breaking with each of Alex's cries. This was all her fault. She shouldn't have been so hard on Alex. She should have been there to support her, as she promised she always would be.

But Alex hadn't wanted her there. Why? She couldn't figure it out, and decided she would have to ask Alex about that. Tomorrow.

Then something occurred to her. It would be a horrible, sneaky thing to do, but once she had the idea, she couldn't seem to push it away. She could call Dr. Lennox and ask her what had happened.

She couldn't call now, of course – it was after 11:00, and Dr. Konikoff might not even be awake. And Dr. Konikoff wouldn't give her any specifics, with doctor-patient privilege and all that. But she could at least discern Alex's state of mind throughout the session. She was afraid that Alex might have hurt herself, and wanted to make sure that wasn't the case. Olivia knew that Alex would resent being treated like a child, but it was only because she cared, and if all went well, Alex would never find out.

She tried to shake off the thought. She couldn't do that. It wouldn't be right, and besides, she really did trust Alex. Or at least, she wanted to.

She lay on the couch until the smaller hand on the clock crept past the three, and Alex's intermittent sobs still hadn't eased. If the situation hadn't been so utterly serious, Olivia would have been impressed with her stamina. Alex had been crying for hours.

She knew she wouldn't be able to hold out for any longer and finally gave in. She got up off the couch and tiptoed to the master bedroom. She rapped lightly on the door, and when Alex didn't respond, went in anyway.

Alex was curled up on the floor beside the bed, rocking herself slightly as she cried. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and her cheeks were swollen with her tears. She was gasping for breath as the sobs kept coming, and Olivia knelt down beside her. "Breathe, baby," she whispered, taking one of Alex's icy hands and giving it a gentle squeeze.

Alex whimpered and turned away from Olivia, covering her head with her free hand.

Olivia sighed and sat back on her heels. She could wait this out. She had all night.

Finally, Alex looked back at her, her eyes wide with fear, breaths still ragged. She dropped her gaze and pulled her knees to her chest.

"Alex, sweetie, take a deep breath." Alex's labored breathing was starting to frighten her.

Alex struggled to take a breath, but she was shaking too hard and her throat was too tight for her to get any air. Her chest felt like it was closing in and she felt as if she might be choking. Her head seemed like it was spinning . . . or maybe the room was . . . or Olivia. _Olivia_.

Olivia put an arm around Alex's shoulders and helped her sit up, recognizing that Alex was in the midst of a panic attack, and trying to talk to her right now would do neither of them any good. "It's okay, Alex. Try to breathe." She stroked Alex's sweat-dampened hair. "You're okay, baby. Just breathe. Good girl." She kept a tight grip on Alex's hand and gently rubbed her back in an attempt to help calm her down.

Finally, Alex's trembling eased and her breathing calmed. She was limp in Olivia's arms, tears still running silently down her cheeks.

Olivia continued to rub Alex's back and murmur soothing words. "I love you, baby. It's okay. I'm here."

Alex played with a thread on the carpet and hunched her shoulders, curling into herself.

"Alex," she asked after a moment. "Where were you today?"

"Out."

Olivia tried not to smile. "Yeah, I figured that. But where?"

Alex sighed. "I walked around for a bit."

"For eight hours?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you call me, baby? Why didn't you want me to come with you?"

"I'm sorry." A few more tears rolled down Alex's cheeks. "I just didn't want you to see me like that."

Olivia's heart clenched. She realized that in her attempt to protect Alex – from the world and from herself – she'd only succeeded in further depleting the final shred of dignity Alex was trying so hard to retain. "I'm sorry for pushing you, Alex. I know it made you uncomfortable, and I should have respected your limits."

Alex just sighed.

Olivia gently rubbed hr back. "Do you want to talk about what happened with Dr. Konikoff?" 

"If I wanted to talk about it, I would have brought it up."

Olivia bit her lip. "Fair enough."

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I just don't want – I'm sorry." She bowed her head. "I'm so _weak_ and you're so strong and I just feel . . ." She trailed off.

"Alex, look at me." When Alex raised her head, Olivia continued, "You are _not _weak. It was really brave of you to go see Dr. Konikoff today. I'm proud of you, baby."

Alex looked away. "I'm not."

"Then that's what we need to talk about, sweetie."

"What's there to talk about? I don't deserve you."

"Alex, I don't understand why you feel that way. I'm really trying, but I don't. Explain it to me."

"What's there to explain?"

"Okay, let's start somewhere else. What can I do to help you feel better about yourself?"

"Olivia, you've asked me that question at least a hundred times. The answer hasn't changed."

"If I recall correctly, I haven't yet gotten one."

"Stop it, Olivia. I'm not a child."

Olivia sighed. "I'm not trying to treat you like one, Alex. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me how you're feeling."

"Insulted," snapped Alex.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult you, sweetheart."

"You're doing it again."

"What?"

"God, you're so condescending. Olivia, I'm not a baby."

Olivia resisted the urge to point out that it was nearly four in the morning, and she was here with Alex simply because she loved her, and if Alex didn't see it, the problem didn't lie with Olivia. "I know you're not, Alex."

"No, I don't think you do know."

Olivia saw they weren't going to be getting anywhere tonight. She pressed a gentle kiss to Alex's forehead. "You know what, baby? It's almost 4:00. Let's go to bed now and discuss this tomorrow. Do you want me to hold you?"

"No. I don't need you."

Olivia tried not to smile. Alex sounded so much like Lily. She brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and gave her another kiss. "Okay. But do you mind if I share your bed?"

That finally coaxed a smile from Alex. "Silly. It's your bed, too."

Olivia smiled back. "Just checking."

They climbed into bed, Alex on one side and Olivia on the other. They lay in silence for a few minutes before Alex rolled over and said quietly, "Olivia?"

"Yeah, baby?"

Alex's voice sounded small and plaintive. "Will you hold me?"

Olivia smiled. "With pleasure."

**Review for chapter twenty-eight!**


	28. Chapter 28

Alex fell asleep surprisingly quickly in Olivia's arms, and Olivia was happy to hold her for the rest of the night.

Around 5:15, Alex started to thrash in Olivia's embrace, pushing at invisible demons. Tears were running down her cheeks and she was starting to sweat, whimpering as she tossed and turned.

"Baby –" Olivia pressed her lips to Alex's forehead. She was burning up. "Alex, it's okay. You're having a bad dream, but you're okay. I'm here."

Alex's eyes flew open, more tears leaking from her eyes. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and clung tightly to her. "Liv – Liv –"

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "Yeah, I'm right here, baby. It's okay." She kissed Alex's forehead again and couldn't stop the clenching in her stomach that told her something was wrong. "Sweetie, you're burning up."

Alex shook her head, her teeth chattering as she held onto Olivia. "C-cold."

"Baby, I think you might have a fever." She gave Alex another kiss. "I'm going to get the thermometer and a washcloth, okay?"

"No!" Alex tightened her grasp on Olivia. "Don't leave me!"

"Alex, I won't. I'm just going to the washroom to grab you a cold washcloth and the thermometer. I promise, I'll be back in just a moment. You'll feel better after."

Alex wrapped her arms around herself. "T-too cold."

"I know, baby. The washcloth will help."

Alex sighed, rocking herself back and forth as she continued to sob.

Olivia gave her one last kiss and carefully extricated herself from Alex's tight grip. "I'll be back in a minute." She went to the washroom and grabbed a thermometer and wet a washcloth with cold water. She carried them back into the bedroom and sat down beside Alex. "Here you go, baby. Put this on your forehead." She handed the washcloth to Alex and Alex did as she was told.

"It's cold," whimpered Alex.

"I know, baby, but it'll feel better in a minute. Can you open your mouth for me?"

Alex opened her mouth for the thermometer, and Olivia pulled it out when it started to beep. She winced as she read the temperature – 104.5. Alex was running a high fever. "Sweetie, you're sick. Your temperature's 104."

Alex shook her head. "No doctors."

"Not right now," agreed Olivia. "I'll get you a Tylenol, but if your fever isn't down by tomorrow, we might have to."

"No!"

Olivia sighed. "Let's cross that bridge if we come to it."

Alex's body was shaking so hard that she was finding it difficult to speak. "Liv, will you – will you hold me?"

Olivia gave her a kiss. "Of course." She wrapped her arms around Alex and held the washcloth to Alex's forehead with her free hand.

Alex tried to squirm away. "Too c-c-cold," she whimpered.

"I know, baby, but we need to bring down your fever. Unless you'd like to go to the doctor . . ."

"No! No doctors." She closed her eyes and leaned back against Olivia, her body slackening in her girlfriend's embrace.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Sweetie, I'm going to get you a Tylenol. Stay here and keep the washcloth on, okay?"

Alex nodded and sat up, holding the washcloth against her forehead and watching as Olivia went into the washroom to grab her the pills.

Olivia returned a moment later with two Tylenols and a glass of water. "Here, baby," she said, handing them to Alex. "Careful."

Alex took the medication, too out of it to even chastise Olivia for treating her like a child. She gave the glass back to Olivia and lay down on the bed again, closing her eyes.

Olivia set the glass down on the bedside table and held the washcloth to Alex's forehead. "I love you, sweetheart," she whispered, rubbing gentle circles into Alex's back.

Alex whimpered and rolled onto her side, hunching her shoulders so that Olivia wouldn't touch her.

"Alex, what's wrong? Does your back hurt?"

Alex shook her head. "No."

"Are you sure, baby? Do you have a rash? I can get you some hydrocortisone cream."

"No. Don't touch." Alex buried her head in her pillow and started to cry, her shoulders starting to shake with her silent sobs.

"Alex – sweetheart, what's wrong? Don't cry. Please, just talk to me, honey."

"Hurts."

"I know, baby." Olivia took a deep breath. "Alex, you're sick. I want you to tell me what hurts, and then I'll get you whatever you need."

"No doctors."

"No doctors, baby. I promise."

Alex raised her head. "You're lying to me. Don't lie to me."

"Sweetie, just let me see. I won't hurt you."

Alex sighed in resignation, and Olivia took it as permission. She lifted Alex's shirt and gasped when she saw the angry, fresh-looking red welts that stood out against Alex's porcelain skin.

"Baby, what happened? Who did this to you?"

Alex sat up, recovering her air of defiance. "I did."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "Why, Alex?"

Alex lifted her chin. "I wanted to."

"Baby, why did you want to?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know."

"What did you do?"

Alex pulled down her shirt and turned away.

Olivia slid over to Alex and wrapped her arms around her, being careful not to disturb her injuries. "Sweetie, they need to be cleaned. I don't want them to get infected."

"No."

"Alex –"

"It's my body, Olivia, and I don't want you to touch it."

Olivia sighed. "Fair enough, but Alex, we need to talk about this. Why did you want to hurt yourself?"

"I just did."

"Alex, if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself, you know you can come to me."

Alex extricated herself from Olivia's embrace. "Olivia, I want you to stop. I don't want to discuss this."

Olivia sighed again. "Sweetie, I know you're not feeling well, so we can leave this for now. But we'll talk about this in the morning."

Alex lay down on her side, facing the wall. "Don't count on it."

**Review for chapter twenty-nine!**


	29. Chapter 29

Around 6:15, Lily marched into the master bedroom with her arms crossed. "'Livia, Mommy's still not – oh."

Alex rolled over and mustered a smile. "Good morning, baby."

Lily glared at her and didn't say anything.

"Lily, Mommy's not feeling too well this morning," said Olivia.

"It's not _morning_. 'Member, you told me morning isn't till 7:00?"

Olivia smiled weakly. "That's right, sweetie. Want to go back to bed?"

"No. I want to play Barbies."

"Do you want me to play with you?"

"It's not _morning _yet, silly! I want to play with Grace."

"Well, sweetheart, you can only go to see Dr. Lennox once a week. In four more days you can go see her."

Lily stamped her foot. "How _come_?"

"Because she's busy with other people today."

"Well, I'm more 'portant."

Olivia smiled. "You are, princess, but Mommy wants to spend some time with you today."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I don't want to play Barbies with Mommy! I want to play Barbies with _Grace_."

"Mommy really wants to play with you, though. She missed you, Lil."

"No, she didn't! She doesn't love me."

At that, Alex sat up, wincing at the pain it caused her. "Of course I do, baby. More than anything."

"No, you don't." Lily stamped her foot again. "I want to go play with Grace! I hate you. I hate both of you!"

"Lily," Olivia warned. "Don't talk to us that way. That isn't nice."

Lily started to scream. "I don't care! I don't care, I don't care, I don't care! I don't want to be with you. You leaved me all by myself."

"Lily –"

"No! Grace said I can call her if I need to. I need to!"

Olivia sighed and climbed out of bed. "Lily," she said, lifting the little girl into her arms. "I think you're still tired, so we're going to go back to bed until the morning."

"No!" shouted Lily. "No, no, no, no!"

"Yes, sweetheart. I need you to calm down for me, and then we'll see about going to see Dr. Lennox. Okay?"

Lily buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and kept crying. "I hate you."

Olivia gently rubbed Lily's back. "I know you're tired, baby. You're going to go back to bed."

"Mommy hurted me."

Olivia just sighed again and carried Lily to her bedroom. She tucked her struggling daughter into bed and lay down beside her. "Sweetie, how about I tickle your back for you?"

Lily rolled onto her side. "Mommy hurted me," she repeated, but slowly nodded.

Olivia started to tickle her back, and she felt Lily's body relaxing. "I love you, Lily."

"Where did Mommy go?"

"She wasn't feeling well, baby."

"She leaved me!"

Olivia took a deep breath. "How about we call Dr. Lennox and see if she can see you today?"

Lily turned to face Olivia, her voice small and weak. "Yes, please." Then even more quietly, she said, "I'm sorry, 'Livia. I don't hate you."

Olivia sighed. "I know."

* * *

Dr. Lennox said Olivia could bring Lily in at 10:00, and Alex was so exhausted that Olivia decided to let her sleep. She scribbled out a note just in case, telling Alex where they'd gone, and left it on the kitchen table. _I love you_, she wrote at the bottom.

After she dropped Lily off, Olivia went grocery shopping. When she picked up Lily, the little girl was absolutely silent, clinging to Olivia's hand as she followed the detective to the car. Lily didn't say a word for the entire ride, even when Olivia asked her how the session had gone.

Lily helped Olivia carry the groceries inside and put them away. The door to the master bedroom was still closed, and Olivia assumed Alex was still asleep. "I'm going to check on Mommy," she told Lily, who had silently retreated to a corner of the family room.

She walked toward the master bedroom and opened the door. Alex was sprawled out on the bed, and at first Olivia thought she was asleep, but her stomach dropped when she realized Alex was unconscious. She climbed onto the bed and sat down beside Alex, gently shaking her shoulders. "Come on, baby, wake up. Wake up for me, Alex. Come on."

She could feel Alex's thready pulse, and Olivia's first thought was that Alex might have taken something. She mentally went through the medications they had in the house – Benadryl, but certainly not Dalmane. At least, she sincerely hoped not.

Suddenly, Olivia noticed the blood seeping through their sheets. She gasped. "Baby," she said, almost to herself. "Baby, you're bleeding. Oh, God." She lifted the sheets and felt bile rising in her throat as she saw the blood seeping from between Alex's legs. Searching for the source of the blood, she found it was external rather than internal. Her opening had been sewn shut, the crude, clumsy stitches dark against her most sensitive flesh. "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, my – Alex. Alex, baby, you've got to get up for me." Who had done this to Alex? And then it occurred to her – Alex had done this to herself.

Her heart nearly stopped when she felt Alex start to stir. "L-Liv," she murmured, reaching out blindly to Olivia and clinging to her with what little strength she had left.

"Alex, why did you hurt yourself?" Olivia knew that this probably wasn't the best question to ask right now, but she couldn't help herself.

"Bad dream," whispered Alex, still not quite conscious. "Didn't want – so no one can hurt me. Never. Ever."

Olivia brought her hand to her mouth, trying not to retch at the sight. She couldn't imagine the unbearable pain that such an act must have caused, and how much pain Alex must be in now. She'd locked up the knives and scissors and razors yesterday, but it hadn't even occurred to her to lock up the needles. "Sweetie, you need a doctor. You're bleeding. We need to take out the stitches."

Alex opened her eyes. "No! My body."

"I know it is, Alex, but you're hurt, badly, and I can't let you stay like this."

"No, mine! They're mine."

"Alex, I don't want to violate you any more than you already have been, but I'm not going to let you die. I will hold you down so the doctors can give you a sedative if I need to. I love you, and I need you here with me."

Alex's words were barely audible. "Then you're just like my master."

"No, baby. It's because I love you, and you're going to the hospital, right now." She picked up the cordless phone and dialed 911.

**Review for chapter thirty!**


	30. Chapter 30

Olivia gave Elliot a quick call after she'd sent for the ambulance, and he said he'd take Lily back to his place for a sleepover tonight. Naturally Lily threw a fit, kicking and screaming with surprising stamina, but Olivia didn't have time to deal with her. "You're going to have a good time with Elliot," she said firmly. "He'll give you hot chocolate."

"I don't want hot chocolate!" wailed Lily.

Olivia picked her up, not in the mood for this right now. Tending to Alex's injuries and emotional state was more important than Lily not wanting to stay with Elliot, and this was a sacrifice she would have to make. "I'm sorry, Lily, but you have to go right now. I'll call you later."

"No!"

Olivia handed Lily to Elliot the second he walked in the door. "I'll call you," she said, then mouthed, _Sorry_, as Lily began to shriek and pound on Elliot's back.

He raised a hand, waving away the apology as he carried Lily away.

Olivia sighed and went back to the master bedroom, where Alex was unconscious once again. She decided to view this as a relief, knowing that if Alex was awake she would be struggling with all the strength she could muster against the paramedics who only wanted to help her. Again, Olivia wondered why Alex had felt the need to do this to herself.

The ambulance arrived a moment later, and Olivia lifted Alex into her arms as if she was a child, carrying her to the ambulance. She lay her down on a stretcher and explained to the paramedic what had happened.

"She'll need surgery to remove the stitches," the paramedic said. "The area is probably infected, and I'm guessing she didn't sterilize the needle."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Yeah, no kidding." She wrapped a blanket around Alex and kissed her forehead. "It's going to be okay, baby," she whispered to her unconscious girlfriend. "I love you."

Alex didn't stir, and Olivia sighed again. The blood had mostly stopped trickling down Alex's thighs, and Olivia was thankful for that, at the very least.

When they reached the hospital, Alex was still out, and Olivia was told to wait in the waiting room while the doctors took Alex into surgery to stop the bleeding and remove the stitches before they swelled. Olivia paced the small room until her legs ached, and she finally sat down and gave Elliot a call.

"How's Alex?" was his first question, and Olivia wanted to hug him. It was good to know she wasn't alone in this.

"She's in surgery. She lost a lot of blood, but she's going to be okay." She sighed. "How's Lily?"

"She's okay. She's playing Candyland with Lizzie."

"Where did you dig Candyland up from?" The twins were nine, too old to play Candyland anymore.

"The basement. Kathy keeps everything, remember?"

Olivia smiled weakly. "That's right. Can I talk to Lily?"

"Okay. I'll go get her."

"Thanks, El. You're the best."

She could hear the smile in his voice as he said, "Don't let Alex hear you say that."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Of course."

A moment later, Lily picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?"

Olivia could hear the tears in Lily's voice. "When are you coming to get me?"

Olivia sighed. "Soon, baby. Maybe tomorrow."

"Tomorrow! I want you _now_."

"Mommy's really sick, baby. She needs to stay in the hospital so they can make her better, and I need to be with her."

Lily was silent for a minute. "Is she gonna go be with Oliver?"

Olivia felt tears rushing to her own eyes. "No, baby. She'll see you tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, Lil. I promise."

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, princess. She's not feeling well right now. She's sleeping."

"So wake her up!"

"Lily, we'll see you tomorrow, I promise. I'll call you before bed." Her heart jumped into her throat when she saw a doctor approaching. "Sweetie, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

"No, Momma! Don't leave me!"

Olivia stopped short. "Momma, huh?"

"Yeah," said Lily sweetly. "'Cause you're my mom, too."

Olivia smiled. "I love you, Lily."

"I love you, too, Momma."

Olivia couldn't help but smile again. She loved it that Lily was calling her _Momma_. She couldn't wait to tell Alex.

_Alex_. She turned back to the doctor, who was watching her from a few feet away, looking impatient. "I'll talk to you later, baby," she said to Lily.

Lily sniffled. "'Kay. Bye."

Olivia sighed and closed her cell phone. She turned to the doctor. "How is she?"

"She's okay. She's going to be in a lot of pain for awhile, and we want to keep her for observation tonight at the very least, but she's very lucky. She could have done serious damage. Frankly, if you hadn't found her when you did, she probably would have. We cleaned up the welts on her back and bandaged them - they'll have to be cleaned twice a day until they heal. We gave her some painkillers, but she's awake. She's asking for you."

Olivia followed the doctor to Alex's hospital room. Alex was lying on her side in the bed, looking small and vulnerable as tears leaked from her eyes. Olivia swallowed hard, trying desperately to keep her emotions in check as she went to Alex's side and sat down beside her on the bed. "How are you feeling, baby?" she asked quietly, brushing Alex's hair back from her forehead.

Alex rolled over so she was facing Olivia and moved closer to her, careful not to disturb the welts on her back. "Hold me," she whispered.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. "I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you, too." Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

"I know, Alex. But, baby, why'd you do it?"

"So no one would be able to hurt me," Alex murmured.

"Oh, sweetheart, no one will. I promise, I won't let them. But you could have really hurt yourself. You could have bled to _death_, Alex. I don't know what I'd do if that happened."

"I'm sorry. I was being selfish. I just thought . . ." Alex started to cry again. "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just concerned, Alex. I don't know what would happen if I lost you. I can't let that happen. Because I love you, and nothing can ever change that." As Alex began to cry harder, Olivia hugged her more tightly and kissed away her tears. "It's okay, sweetie. Don't cry."

Suddenly, Alex sat up, wincing at the pain it caused her. "Where's Lily?"

"She's with Elliot, baby."

"Is she doing okay?"

"Yeah. I just talked to her. She was playing Candyland with Lizzie." She caught the look in Alex's eyes and added, "I'm sure she'd love it if you called her before bed."

"Oh, Liv." Alex smiled ruefully. "You're more her mother than I've ever been."

"That's not true, Alex. She asked about you."

"Right. Does she still hate me?"

"No, of course not. She was just angry when she said that, sweetie. She's four, remember? She was just worried about you. She wanted to see you, and I told her she could come see you tomorrow."

Alex sighed. "She shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm her _mother_, and she's just a baby."

"Alex." Olivia looked right into her eyes. "Alex, I don't want you to blame yourself for this, for _anything_. Lily is fine. Right now, I'm just worried about you."

Alex burrowed deeper into Olivia's embrace. "I love you," she whispered again.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "I know, sweetheart." She cupped Alex's cheek. "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

Alex looked up at her through fear-filled eyes. "Will you –?"

Olivia's expression softened and she gave Alex a gentle kiss. "Yeah, baby. I'll be right here when you wake up."

**Review for chapter thirty-one!**


	31. Chapter 31

Alex woke up about an hour later, her cheeks wet with tears. "Liv, it hurts," she whimpered.

"Where does it hurt, baby?" Olivia asked, kissing Alex's forehead. "Your back?"

Alex shook her head and lowered her eyes in shame.

Olivia understood and took Alex's hand. "I know it does, baby. I'd like to tell you the pain will go away soon, but that isn't true. It's going to last awhile, Alex. You did some real damage."

"I wanted to. Then."

"Not anymore?"

Alex shook her head.

"Well, that's good, baby. That's really good."

Alex sighed. "May I have another pill? Please?"

Olivia knitted her brows. "Not yet, baby. Dr. Steele said you're only allowed one every three hours. He doesn't want you to start depending on the morphine."

Alex whimpered, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. "Please," she begged.

It was breaking Olivia's heart to deny her, but she knew that Dr. Steele wouldn't give her another pill even if she asked, and she didn't want Alex to start relying on the medication, either. Overdosing could be potentially fatal, and Olivia wasn't going to take that chance.

Alex curled up against Olivia's side and began to cry. Olivia held her tightly, gently stroking Alex's hair. "I'm sorry, Alex," she murmured.

Alex buried her face in Olivia's chest. "Don't hurt me," she whispered.

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "Never," she promised. "I will never hurt you, sweetheart."

Alex sniffled, and a moment later, said quietly, "Tell me a story, Liv."

"A story? What kind of story?"

Alex nodded. "Something funny. So maybe I won't hurt so much."

Olivia swallowed hard, her voice cracking as she whispered, "Okay." She thought for a moment, then said, "Last year, Lizzie and Dickie had take-your-kids to work day, and Elliot got elected to bring them with to the precinct. He was actually supposed to be in court, testifying against a serial killer we'd been working to catch, and he didn't want the kids in the courtroom. So you know what he ended up doing?"

"What?"

"He had _Donnelly _take care of them!"

Alex laughed. "Really?"

"Yup."

"How did that happen?"

"He was standing outside the courtroom and trying to figure out what to do with them, and Donnelly just happened to walk by, and she asked him why he wasn't in court. He said he needed to find somewhere to put the kids and Donnelly said they could stay with her for an hour."

"And what happened?"

"What do you think? They wreaked havoc on the DA's office, and after about ten minutes Donnelly was ready to give them back."

Alex smiled and rested her head on Olivia's stomach. "That must have gone over well."

"Oh, yeah."

"And what did –?"

They both looked up as the door opened, and Olivia instinctively tightened her arms around Alex. "It's okay, sweetie," she murmured as Alex started to tremble. "You're okay. I'm here."

Alex burrowed deeper into Olivia's embrace. "Morphine," she whispered as the pain between her legs once again assaulted her senses.

Olivia looked up at Dr. Steele, who had just walked in. "Can she have some?"

Dr. Steele shook his head. "In another hour or so. We don't want her overdosing."

Tears trickled down Alex's cheeks. "It hurts so much," she whimpered.

"It would have hurt more if we'd left the stitches in," said Dr. Steele.

Alex shuddered. "No. No, no, no."

"Alex," said Olivia gently, rubbing Alex's back as she glared at Dr. Steele. "I know it hurts, but you're being really, really brave. Just a little longer, okay?"

Alex burst into a fresh round of sobbing, burying her face in Olivia's chest.

Olivia held Alex close and turned to Dr. Steele. "Why are you here?"

"Just checking on Ms. Cabot. The welts on her back are going to need to be cleaned before she goes back to sleep." He turned on his heel and left.

Alex shook her head and raised her tearstained face to Olivia's. "No – you said you wouldn't hurt me."

"I'll try not to, baby, but you'll feel better when it's all healed. And for the wounds to heal, they need to be cleaned."

"Mine."

Olivia sighed. "Yeah, baby, I know they're yours. But it's my job to take care of you and protect you and make sure you're safe, even if you don't want me to."

Alex turned away. "Then I guess I should fire you, because you haven't done that all that well in the past."

Olivia winced and pulled away from Alex, folding her hands in her lap instead. She watched Alex for a long moment and said quietly, "I know I've let you down, Alex. I know I haven't been there for you and I couldn't save you when you needed me most. I couldn't help you, or our daughter, and I love you both so much. You have no idea how much it hurts me that I couldn't protect you. But now, I'm going to change that. You have to let me help you now, Alex. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again."

Alex started to cry again and buried her face in her pillow. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

"I know, baby, but what happened to you wasn't your fault."

Alex looked up. "It wasn't yours either," she whispered. "I'm sorry I said that. I shouldn't have. It's not true. You've done all you can for me, more than anyone else ever would. More than I should expect. More than I deserve."

"Oh, Alex." Olivia swallowed hard. "You deserve anything you could ever want."

Alex rolled onto her stomach and lifted her shirt, wincing at the pain. "You can do it."

"We don't have to do it right now, baby. We can wait an hour or so if you're not ready."

"No, I am."

Olivia nodded. "I promise, I'll be as gentle as I can. Just tell me if something hurts."

Alex sighed. "Do what you have to do."

Olivia didn't like the sound of that. She knelt beside Alex and gently stroked her hair. "Baby, talk to me. What can I do to make this easier for you?"

Alex closed her eyes. "Just get it over with."

"Are you sure?"

"_Yes_."

"Okay, sweetie. Don't get mad at me. I was just making sure, because I don't want to hurt you, or push you into something you're not ready for."

Alex took a deep breath. "I'm okay."

She flinched and sucked in her breath as she felt Olivia's warm, gentle hands on her back, and Olivia was quick to reassure her. "Shh, baby. It's just me."

Alex nodded, forcing herself to remain completely still as Olivia began to peel off the bandages on her back. She whimpered as Olivia began to rub in the antiseptic, but didn't struggle. She was proud of herself for being so good for Olivia, and she hoped Olivia was proud too.

Finally, Olivia finished, after what seemed like an eternity. She rolled down Alex's shirt and took her girlfriend into her arms. She kissed Alex's forehead. "Thank you, sweetie," she murmured, understanding how difficult that had been for Alex. "I'm proud of you."

Alex curled against Olivia and smiled.

**Review for chapter thirty-two!**


	32. Chapter 32

Two days later, Alex was medically cleared and Dr. Steele said Olivia could take her home. Olivia knew Alex wasn't going to feel up to driving to Queens, and Olivia didn't feel comfortable leaving her by herself, so she asked Elliot if he could drive Lily home. Being the amazing friend he was, Elliot agreed.

By the time Alex and Olivia got home, the morphine had started to wear off and Alex was complaining of pain between her legs. Olivia had asked Dr. Steele to increase her morphine dose, but he refused, and they were just going to have to live with that.

"Liv, I need a pill," Alex whimpered, curling against Olivia as she parked the car.

"I know it hurts, baby, but you have to wait another hour."

"Now. I need one now. It hurts too much."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Hey, Lily's going to be home soon. Ready to come inside?"

Alex tried to stand, but the pain between her legs was too great and she fell back onto the seat. "I can't."

"Sweetie, I can't carry you."

Alex began to cry. "I can't move! You're just going to have to leave me here."

"Alex, can you just try for me, baby? I'll help you."

Olivia took Alex's hand and helped her out of the car, but Alex's legs were too weak to hold her and she slid to the ground.

Olivia sighed. "Okay, sweetheart. I'll try to carry you. Don't let go."

Alex nodded and clung to Olivia's neck as the detective lifted her into her arms. Olivia carried her up to their apartment and set her down on the couch.

"I'm going to go change the sheets and then I'll come lie down with you, okay?"

Alex curled up on her side and nodded.

Olivia quickly changed the blood-soaked sheets and went back out to the couch. She wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her forehead. "Are you feeling any better, baby?"

Alex lowered her eyes and shook her head. "Still hurts."

Olivia gently rubbed her back. "Would you like me to make you a cup of tea? Or hot chocolate if you prefer?"

Alex shook her head. "When is Lily going to be back?"

"Soon, baby. Do you want me to call Elliot?"

"That's okay." She looked up at Olivia. "Hold me?"

Olivia gave her a smile. "Of course."

* * *

About half an hour later, the doorbell rang. Alex immediately started to tremble and Olivia kissed her forehead. "Shh, baby. It's just Lily and Elliot. It's okay."

Alex nodded. She struggled to her feet, leaning against Olivia for support. They walked toward the front door and Olivia opened it. Elliot stood there, holding Lily's hand.

"Mommy!" cried Lily, and jumped into Alex's arms.

Olivia smiled. "Careful, Lily. Mommy still isn't feeling too well." She turned to Elliot. "Thank you for taking care of her, El. I really appreciate it."

"Hey, no problem. I think she had a good time. The twins definitely did."

"Well, thanks."

"How's Alex?"

"She's feeling a bit better." She glanced at Alex, who was listening to Lily tell her all about her time with Elliot. "I'll see you later, okay?"

Elliot nodded. "See you."

Olivia closed the door and turned back to Alex, who was sitting in the family room with Lily. She sat down beside them on the couch. "Hi, Lil."

Lily beamed and leaned over to give Olivia a kiss. "Hi, Momma."

Alex looked up at Olivia. "Momma?"

"Yeah, 'cause 'Livia's my mom, too. Like you said."

Alex smiled. "That's right."

Lily climbed onto Alex's lap, and Alex winced at the pain. "Mommy, Elliot took me bowling with Dickie and Lizzie, and I winned!"

"You won?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I won! I got the most points, and Elliot got me a candy."

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm guessing you're not going to sleep tonight."

Lily snuggled closer to Alex. "How come?"

"Sugar."

"That's okay, Mommy. It was yesterday."

Alex shook her head and hugged Lily tighter. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Okay! Can we watch _Matilda_? I watched it with Lizzie and Dickie and Kathleen and it's on TV."

Alex smiled. "Sure. Liv, will you grab the remote?"

Olivia handed Alex the remote and she turned it to pay-per-view, and switched on the movie.

Alex lay down, resting her head in Olivia's lap, and Lily cuddled close to her. "Love you, Mommy," she whispered.

Alex kissed Lily's hair. "I love you, too, sweetheart."

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair with one hand and held Lily's hand with her other one. She was so glad to be here, with both of her girls, both of them safe and sound. She wished she'd been able to protect them. Alex was right that Olivia hadn't been there for her, and Olivia would never forgive herself for that.

Alex noticed the change in her demeanor and gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. "I didn't mean what I said before," she whispered.

"I know," said Olivia, and kissed the crown of Alex's head.

By the time the movie had ended, Alex had fallen asleep. Olivia was thankful, and hoped that Alex's sleep would be painless and free of nightmares.

"I'm going to tuck Mommy in," she said to Lily. "Do you want to play Barbies with me?"

Lily shook her head. "I want to play _Sorry!_"

"Okay, sweetie. In a minute."

She lifted Alex into her arms and carried her to the master bedroom, tucking her under the covers and kissing her forehead.

"I love you, baby," she whispered, and went back out to Lily, closing the door behind her.

Lily was waiting for her at the kitchen table, already setting up _Sorry!_ "I want to be the Disney princesses!"

Olivia sat down beside her. "Okay. I'll be the superheroes."

Lily giggled. "You _are _a superhero."

Olivia smiled and gave Lily a kiss. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

Then something occurred to Olivia. "Lily, what happened the other day with Dr. Lennox?" she asked casually, shuffling the _Sorry! _cards.

Lily set up her pieces. "Grace asked me how come I was sad, and I said 'cause Mommy was sick. She asked how come Mommy was sick, and I said the man hurted her. She said to tell her about the man."

"And what did you tell her?"

Lily shifted uncomfortably, fingering a loose thread on her shirt. "One time, the man pulled down his pants and he said I need to practice for when I get bigger. He said I had to put his pee-pee in my mouth. I didn't want to, Momma! I was crying, and Mommy said don't do it. He hitted her with his belt and said for me to again, but I said no, and then he hitted Mommy again. He keeped hitting her and he said he would only stop hitting her when I did what he said, but Mommy said don't, don't, don't! And her back was all red and bleeding and she was crying but she still said don't do it. 'Cause she loves me. She didn't want him to hurt me."

"She does love you, baby."

Lily looked away. "But he did hurt me."

Olivia felt queasy. "How did he hurt you, baby?"

Lily met her eyes. "He hurted Mommy. That hurted me."

Olivia smiled weakly as her eyes filled with tears. She knelt so she was eye-level with Lily and held out her arms to give her daughter a hug. "You're such a special girl, Lily. I'm so lucky that you're my daughter."

Lily beamed. "I'm lucky you're my Momma."

**Review for chapter thirty-three!**


	33. Chapter 33

Alex was still sleeping at dinnertime, so Olivia (after five games of _Sorry!_ and two games of checkers) made Kraft Dinner and put some in a container in the fridge just in case Alex was hungry when she woke up. "Do you want to go cuddle with Mommy?" she asked Lily when they were done.

Lily nodded. "Yeah! Can I go get Sara?"

"Of course. Why don't you get into your pajamas, and then you can choose a book and I'll read to you?"

"Any book I want?"

"Yup. I'll meet you in our room in a couple minutes, okay?"

Lily beamed and skipped off to her bedroom to choose a book.

Olivia wiped off the table and went into the master bedroom. She lay down beside Alex and pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder blade. "Hi, baby," she whispered as Alex's eyes drifted open. "How are you feeling?"

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia, and the detective gently rubbed her back. "It hurts," Alex murmured.

"Well, I've got good news for you. You can have your medication now. Do you want me to go get it for you?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, please."

"Okay, sweetie. I'll be back in a minute."

She got a pill and a glass of water for Alex and returned to the bedroom. She handed them to Alex and her girlfriend accepted them gratefully. "Thanks, Liv," she whispered.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "Lily wants us to read with her."

Alex smiled weakly. "Okay."

Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex and gave her another kiss. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

Lily bounded into the room a moment later, clutching her doll in one hand and a book in the other. She jumped onto the bed and curled up between Alex and Olivia. "Momma, I got _Dinosaurs Before Dark_. Mommy read that one to me before, but it's my favorite."

"Do you want me to read to you, baby?" Alex asked, snuggling closer to Lily.

Lily rested her head on Alex's shoulder and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "I want Momma to read to me."

Olivia read four chapters, and when her voice was starting to get hoarse, she turned on _The Little Mermaid_. Halfway through the movie, Lily started yawning, and Olivia switched it off. "I think it's bedtime, Lil," she said.

Lily nodded and yawned again. She held out her arms and Olivia lifted her up and carried her to her bedroom. "I want Mommy to tuck me in," she murmured.

"Okay, sweetie. I'll go get her." She kissed Lily's forehead. "Goodnight."

"'Night, Momma."

Olivia went back into the master bedroom, where Alex was lying on her side, her face scrunched up in pain. Olivia sat down beside her and ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "You okay, baby?"

Alex laid her head back on her pillow. "God, it hurts."

Olivia sighed. "I wish there was something I could do for you."

"I need another pill."

"I'm sorry, Alex, but you can't have one."

"I'm not a baby, Olivia. I need medication and I'm going to have some. It's my body."

"No, Alex, you're not. That will make it worse."

"It's _my _body, Olivia!"

Olivia sighed again. "Lily wants you to tuck her in."

"Fine." Alex struggled to her feet and went to tuck Lily in.

A few moments later, she returned, her eyes blazing fire.

"What did you do with my medication?"

Olivia debated whether or not to answer, knowing that Alex wouldn't want to hear this. Finally, she said, "It's in the gun safe."

"Give me the code."

Olivia met her eyes. "No."

Alex stamped her foot. "Olivia, I'm not a baby."

"Well, you're sure acting like one."

"I need a pill!"

"Alex, stop pulling a temper tantrum and lie down. I'll make you a cup of tea if you want, but you're not getting another pill until 9:30."

"I'll smash that damn safe."

Olivia sighed. "You can try."

"Olivia! Stop trying to tell me what to do."

"Alex, it's for your own good. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you."

"I just want one. That's it."

"No, Alex."

"Do you _like _seeing me in pain? Is this just a game to you?"

"Do you like seeing _yourself _in pain, Alex? Because if I recall correctly, you did this to yourself."

"I cannot _believe _you!" screamed Alex.

"I can't believe _you_! I've done everything I can for you. And that's not – I'm not asking for anything. I know you'd do the same for me, and that's just my job. All I want is for you to be just a _tiny _bit appreciative and not throw temper tantrums like a five-year-old because I'm trying to protect you and you don't want that."

"Protect me from _what_?"

Olivia didn't answer, and suddenly it dawned on Alex.

"You think I'm going to take too many, don't you? You think I'm going to try to kill myself!"

Olivia hesitated, then said quietly, gently, "Sweetheart, you sewed your labia shut. How am I supposed to interpret that?"

Alex began to cry, heaving great sobs that wracked her whole body. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, curling up in a ball and rocking herself back and forth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed. She got up and knelt beside Alex, gently wrapping her arms around her. "Okay, baby. It's okay. I'm sorry. It's just – I'm scared you're going to hurt yourself. You already have, Alex, twice, and I can't let that happen again. I love you too much."

Alex curled further into herself. "You don't trust me."

"No, that's not it. I just know you're in a lot of pain, and maybe it's . . . easier . . . for you to externalize it instead of trying to deal with it in your head. But sweetheart, there are other ways. You can talk to me about it, or call Dr. Konikoff. I can get you a punching bag, or a stress ball, or whatever you need. You don't need to hurt yourself to get rid of your pain, and I don't think it really helps, or else you'd only have to do it once."

Alex raised her head. "That's a simplistic approach."

"Alex, I'm not going to – Sweetheart, I just don't want you to get hurt, and if this is what I have to do, then I'll do it. I mean it, Alex – I can't lose you."

"You _won't_."

"Alex, baby, you could have bled to death if I hadn't found you!"

"That wouldn't have happened."

"How do you _know_? Did you plan it that way? Were you just looking for attention? Is that it?"

Alex's eyes filled with tears again. "No! How could you even _think _that?"

"I don't know, Alex. I don't understand why you did it at all."

"So no one would be able to hurt me."

"Baby, no one will. I'll make sure of that. I promise, I'll take care of you – but I can't protect you unless you let me."

"I need medicine, Liv. It hurts too much. I can't move."

Olivia glanced at the clock. 9:17. Close enough. "Okay, baby. I'll get you a pill – just one, though. And you're not going to ask again. I'll give you a pill every three hours, like the doctor said, and no matter how much you cry and scream and beg me, you're not getting anything more. And I know that sounds harsh, but I want to keep you safe, and that's what I need to do."

Alex bowed her head in acceptance and whispered, "Okay."

**Review for chapter thirty-four!**


	34. Chapter 34

After Olivia gave Alex her medication, she went to check on Lily. It was her habit to do this several times a night, just in case.

She found Lily curled up on the bed, her face tearstained and her hands covering her ears. "You okay, princess?" she asked.

Lily raised her head. "Momma, how come you and Mommy were fighting?"

Olivia sighed. "Adult issues, baby."

"That's not an answer!" screeched Lily. "And I'm not a baby!"

Lily was sounding so much like Alex that Olivia had to smile, which only angered Lily further.

"How come that's funny?_ I_ _mean it_!"

"I know, Lily. Mommy's just upset because she got hurt, and now she's in a lot of pain."

"How come she got hurt?"

Olivia resisted the urge to say, _Adult issues_. "Remember that time Mommy got really upset and she accidentally hurt you?"

Lily twirled a fiber on her shirt around her finger and tugged. "Mommy scared me that time."

Olivia wrapped her arms around her. "I know she did, sweetheart. And this time, the same thing happened, except instead of hurting you, Mommy hurt herself."

"Why would she do that?"

"She didn't mean to, Lily. It was an accident."

"But how come Mommy was yelling at you?"

"Because she's hurting, and she wants her medicine."

"So give her her medicine. That's what Mommy does for me when I'm sick."

Olivia smiled weakly. "It's not that simple, Lil. Do you know what happens when you have too much candy?"

"Yeah. I get a tummyache."

"Right. And if Mommy has too much medicine, she's going to get a tummyache, too."

"Then how come she wants the medicine?"

"Because then she won't be hurting anymore."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "I don't get it. How can the medicine make her hurt _and _feel good?"

Olivia struggled to find the words to explain it. "It's like when you have lots of candy, and it tastes really yummy, but then later you have a tummyache."

Lily nodded. "Is Mommy still mad?"

"Not anymore, sweetie. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Lily nodded and rolled onto her side. "Will you stay with me?"

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Just until you fall asleep."

Lily was asleep within minutes, and Olivia crept out of her room to the master bedroom. Alex, too, had fallen asleep. Clearly, she'd tired herself out with her hysterics.

Olivia lay down beside her and gently took Alex into her arms, and allowed herself to be lulled into a peaceful slumber by Alex's soft, rhythmic breathing on the pillow beside her.

* * *

The next morning Olivia cleaned the wounds on Alex's back, with mostly no argument from Alex. But when Olivia had finished, she noticed the unshed tears in Alex's eyes and gave her a hug. "What's wrong, baby? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry."

Alex bowed her head. "You're so good to me," she said, almost in wonderment.

"You deserve it, Alex." They'd done this dance a million times, and Olivia didn't know what else to say to her.

Alex wrapped her arms around herself. "No, I don't. I don't deserve you. I'm not – I'm not good enough. You always do so much for me, and I never do anything in return."

Olivia sighed. "Alex, that's not true." She hesitated, then said, "Here's what I want you to do for me, baby." She grabbed a pen from the bedside table and handed it to Alex. "I want to write down three good things you like about yourself, okay?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "You sound like Dr. Konikoff. That's the first thing she asked me to do."

"I'm guessing she didn't get very far."

"You guessed right."

"Seriously, Alex, I want you to do it. For me. Okay?"

Alex sighed. She thought for a moment and then wrote. _Smart_.

Olivia smiled weakly. "That doesn't count."

"Why not?"

Alex sounded so petulant that Olivia couldn't help but chuckle. "Because we know that already."

Alex glared at her. "Then there's nothing." She gave the pen back to Olivia.

She sounded so defeated that Olivia's heart clenched. "Sweetie, you can do this. Try for me."

For a moment, they sat in silence, and finally Alex wrote, _Olivia loves me. _

Olivia's heart melted. "For the purposes of this exercise, that doesn't count either." Catching the look on Alex's face, she added, "But in real life, it's the most important thing. The _only _important thing."

Alex sighed, tears filling her eyes. "I don't know, then. I really don't."

Olivia nodded. "Okay, then I have something different for you to do. I want you to write down all the things you don't like about yourself."

This seemed to be easier for Alex. She made a list that spanned a page and a half, and although Olivia tried not to look at what she was writing, she glimpsed several of the words. _Needy. Clingy. Hypersensitive. Selfish. Ugly. __Damaged__._

Olivia swallowed hard as Alex finished, looking expectantly at her. "Now I want you to rip up that page, Alex. Because none of those words you just wrote are true. _None _of them."

Alex narrowed her eyes. "But they _are_."

"Sweetheart, they're not. I want you to take them from here –" She lightly tapped Alex's head – "and put them there –" She pointed to the garbage can in their bedroom – "where they belong."

Alex dropped her gaze, but obediently ripped the paper into halves, and then fourths, until the pieces were too small to be discernible. She tossed them into the garbage as she'd been told and looked back up at Olivia. "They're just words."

"Exactly. They are just words."

Alex looked away.

Olivia gently rubbed her back. "Can we go back to writing nice things now that we've gotten that off your chest?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't know, Olivia. I'm sorry."

Olivia nodded. She got up and went to find Lily. "Lil, do you want to play a game with me and Mommy?"

Lily looked up with interest. "What game?"

"It's a nice things game."

"A board game?"

"No, a talking game."

Lily giggled. "I like talking games."

"I know. So want to come play?"

Lily nodded. "Where's Mommy?"

"In our room. Come on."

Lily sat down beside Alex on the bed. "Mommy, we get to play a talking game."

Alex's eyes flicked to Olivia's, and Olivia explained, "We have to go around in a circle and say one nice thing about each other. That's how to play."

"Can I go first?" asked Lily.

"Sure, baby."

Lily beamed. "Okay. I'll do you first, Momma. I love you best 'cause you're a hero."

Olivia's heart swelled with emotion. "Really, huh?"

Lily nodded. "Like what you do with your job, you help people. And you help me and Mommy and you make us happy. And can I say one more thing?"

"Of course you can."

"Okay. I love you too 'cause you always care about everyone. 'Cause you read to me and play Barbies with me and sit with me when I have bad dreams, and 'cause you love Mommy, too, and you make her feel better when she's sad."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks, Lil. Now say something about Mommy."

"Yeah. Mommy, I love you best 'cause you're my _role model_. Like in _Junie B. Jones_."

Alex raised an eyebrow at Olivia. "You were reading her _Junie B. Jones_?"

Olivia shrugged. "She likes them."

"They're full of –"

"Grammar errors. I know. It's okay, Alex. They're just books."

Alex rolled her eyes. "If you say so."

Olivia turned back to Lily. "Anyway, can you tell Mommy why she's your role model?"

"'Cause she always says _I love you_ and tucks me in before bed and gives me hugs and kisses and tells me stories and makes me feel better when I'm sad and teaches me stuff and 'cause she protected me from the man." She looked up at Alex and said quietly, "I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't want him to hurt you."

Alex held out her arms and Lily curled up in her lap. Alex wrapped her arms around her daughter and said gently, "Lily, that wasn't your fault."

Lily rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "I know, Mommy. I just don't want you to be sad, 'cause that makes me sad, too."

Alex gently stroked her hair. "Let's not talk about the man right now, okay?"

Lily nodded. "But can I say one more thing?"

"You _may _say one more thing."

"Yeah, I _may_ say one more thing." She smiled at Alex. "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."

Tears rushed to Alex's eyes, and she smiled back at her daughter. "My turn," she whispered.

Lily snuggled closer to her. "Okay. Do me first!"

"Your wish is my command," she said, brushing away the tears in her eyes. "Since you did two things about me, I think I should do two things about you. First of all, you're the smartest kid I know. I love talking to you, and reading with you, and playing games with you, and just hearing what you have to say. Now the second thing. You are so kind and caring and thoughtful, and I love that about you. You always try to cheer me up when I'm upset and make me laugh. You are so loving and affectionate, and you're just such an amazing person. I'm so lucky that you're my daughter," Alex finished, and gave Lily a kiss.

Lily beamed. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, baby."

"Now do Momma!"

Alex smiled. "Okay, Liv. The thing I love most about you – do I really have to pick just one thing?"

"Yes," said Lily authoritatively. "Just one."

"Hmm, okay. In that case, I love how patient you are. With me – with both of us – and just in general. You don't get angry with me even when you probably should and –" She broke off and took a deep breath. "You're just so good to me."

Olivia smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Thanks, baby. Now I get to say something about Lily . . . hmm . . . okay, one nice thing about you is how affectionate you are."

Alex smiled. "Copycat. I said that."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "May I continue?"

"Of course. My apologies."

Lily giggled. "Mommy, you didn't say that. You said I'm smart and I'm _considerate_."

"That's right, and you are."

Olivia sighed theatrically. "I love how you always give me hugs and kisses, Lily. Better?"

Lily grinned and nodded, eyes bright. "Now do Mommy!"

"Okay, Alex. One thing that I love about you is how selfless you are, how you always put others first. Even when you're upset, you always think of others before yourself. And one more thing – I love how strong you are. After everything that's happened over the past few years, you are so brave, and I'm proud of you for that."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not, though. I try, but –"

Olivia took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Alex, true strength isn't not needing anyone. It's recognizing when you do need someone and being strong enough to ask for it."

Alex swallowed and nodded.

Lily snuggled closer to Alex. "That's a fun game, Momma. Now will you and Mommy play _Sorry! _with me? Mommy can be the princesses and you can be the superheroes and I'll be the pro-pro – Mommy, what's the main character in a book or movie called again? Like Bambi or Pooh Bear?"

Alex smiled. "They're called _protagonists_, Lily."

"Yeah, I want to be the _protagonists_."

"Sure. Why don't you go get the game and we'll set it up in here?"

Lily beamed. "Okay." She jumped off Alex's lap and ran to her bedroom to find the game.

Alex turned to Olivia and said quietly, "Thank you, Liv."

Olivia leaned over to kiss her cheek. "You don't need to thank me, baby."

"No – I needed that."

"I know," said Olivia. "And if that's what you need, then that's what I'll do. All you have to do is ask."

**Review for chapter thirty-five!**


	35. Chapter 35

The next Thursday, Olivia readied herself for a fight. She knew Alex wasn't going to go see Dr. Konikoff willingly, but surprisingly, Alex didn't argue when Olivia mentioned it to her. She nodded and slipped her hand into Olivia's, then said quietly, almost plaintively, "You'll come with me?"

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it. "Of course, sweetheart."

Then Alex looked away. "Lily."

"She can come with us, baby. It's okay."

Alex bit her lip. "Yes, I guess she can . . . we'll have to bring her a couple books, though. And Ritz crackers."

Olivia smiled weakly. "Of course. She'll be okay."

Alex nodded, chewing harder on her lip.

Olivia fished a Chapstick out of her pocket and handed it to Alex. "Here, baby."

Alex applied the Chapstick to her chapped lips. "I'll go get Lily."

"In that case, I'll pack up some snacks for her."

Alex went to get Lily. She rapped softly on the door and when Lily said, "Come in," she did so.

"Hi, Lily," she said, and knelt down beside her daughter, who was dressing up her American Girl doll. "What are you doing?"

"Dressing up Sara," Lily answered. "She's gonna have a party with Teddy and Minnie and my Barbies and my stuffies."

Alex smiled. "Your stuffies, huh?"

"Yeah. That's what Momma calls them. 'Cause they're stuffed."

Alex nodded. "Makes sense. Lily, do you know how you talk to Dr. Lennox?"

"Yeah. And we play Barbies!"

"That's right. So today, I get to go talk to someone like Dr. Lennox. Her name is Dr. Konikoff, and you and Momma are going to come with me. And after that, if you like, we can go to the park."

Lily looked up with interest. "The park?"

"Yes, the big park. It's called Central Park and you can play on the swings, or the slides, or even climb a tree if you want to – but only if Momma and I are watching. Does that sound like fun?"

Lily nodded eagerly. "Yeah. Like Jack and Annie! 'Cept I don't think Morgan Le Fay is in my tree."

Alex chuckled. "No, I don't think Morgan Le Fay will be in any of the trees at Central Park."

"Will Momma climb with me?"

Alex smiled at the thought of Olivia scampering up a tree. "I don't know, baby. You'll have to ask her."

"'Kay. I think she'll say yeah."

"But first we've got to go to Dr. Konikoff's office. Do you want to bring Sara?"

"Yeah. And can I please bring one of my Jack and Annie books?"

"Yes, you may bring one of your Jack and Annie books."

"Yeah – yes, I may bring one of my Jack and Annie books," Lily echoed. She smiled sheepishly. "I forgetted – I mean, I _forgot_. Right, Mommy?"

"That's right, sweetheart. You forgot."

"That's how come you're my _role model_. Well, kind of. 'Cause you teach me stuff."

Alex smiled and gave her daughter a hug. "Thanks, Lily. Now are you ready to go?"

"In a minute. Will you do my hair?"

"Sure. Do you want braids?"

"Yeah! And then Sara can match. See, Momma helped me braid her hair last night!"

"It's really pretty, Lily, but I think I can make yours prettier!"

Lily giggled. "You're on!"

* * *

Half an hour later, Alex, Olivia, and Lily were sitting in Dr. Konikoff's office. Alex was trembling, although she tried to suppress it, and Olivia had an arm draped over her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. Lily, oblivious, was munching on her Ritz crackers and attempting to share with her doll.

"Careful, Lil," Olivia said. "We don't want Sara's mouth to get all dirty."

Lily giggled. "I'm not _really _feeding it to her, silly. She's just a doll."

Olivia mock-gasped. "No, you can't say that, Lil! She's your baby." She covered the doll's ears with her hands. "You're her Mommy."

Lily laughed. "I know, Momma." She kissed her doll's head. "Love you, Sara."

"I love you, too," Olivia said in a high-pitched voice, which made Lily laugh again.

"You're so silly, Momma. And you're Sara's grandmomma."

Olivia grinned and kissed Lily's forehead. "Hey, I'm too young to be a grandma already. How about I be Great-Momma to Sara instead?"

Lily mulled this over. "Yeah. And Mommy will be Great-Mommy."

Alex wasn't listening. She was staring off into space, and jumped when Olivia leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Alex? That okay with you?"

Alex blinked and tried to focus on Lily. "Sorry, sweetie. I didn't hear you."

Lily jutted out her lower lip. "You're Sara's great-mommy."

Alex nodded. "That sounds good."

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Yeah."

Alex gently took her hand. "Germs, sweetheart." She fished a wet-wipe out of her purse and cleaned Lily's hand with it. "You can't put your thumb back in your mouth now, Lily, because there are chemicals on it and it won't taste good."

Lily made a face. "_Mommy_. Duh, my finger doesn't taste good anyway."

"Lily. We don't use words like _duh_."

Lily smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Mommy. I know. 'Cause they're not real words."

"That's right, and because it's rude."

Lily rested her head in her mother's lap. "Sorry, Mommy," she repeated.

"Thank you, Lily," Alex said, gently stroking her hair.

Lily yawned and curled into Alex. "Mommy, will you sing to me like you did when we were with the man? You didn't do that for a long time."

Alex glanced at Olivia, then back at her daughter. So quietly that she was barely audible, she began to sing.

"_You are my sunshine_

_My only sunshine_

_You make me happy_

_When skies are gray_

_You'll never know, dear_

_How much I love you_

_Please don't take my sunshine away."_

Lily smiled sleepily. "That's a sad one, Mommy. But it's my favourite."

Alex kissed her forehead. "You are my sunshine, baby. You and Olivia."

**Review for chapter thirty-six!**


	36. Chapter 36

Dr. Konikoff came out of her office several moments later. She was a tall woman with long dark hair and a gentle manner, and she gave Alex a smile when she saw her. "Hi, Alex. How are you doing today?"

"Okay," Alex said quietly, tightening her arms around Lily.

Dr. Konikoff looked at Olivia. "You must be Olivia," she said, and held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Lily sat up. "Do you know who _I _am?"

Dr. Konikoff chuckled. "You must be the infamous Lily. It's nice to meet you, too. And who's this with you?"

"My doll," Lily explained. "Her name's Sara, like in _A Little Princess_. Mommy read that one to me."

Dr. Konikoff looked suitably impressed. "Lily, I'm going to talk to your mom for a bit. Can you wait out here with Diana?" She pointed to the receptionist at the front desk. "There are some toys you can play with, and I see you've brought a book."

"You'll be okay, baby," Olivia said quickly. "You can knock on the door if you need anything."

Lily shrugged. "Okay. And then we can go to the park?"

"Definitely."

She hugged Sara to her chest. "Can I have my Ritz, please?"

"Yes, you _may _have your Ritz crackers," Alex said.

"I _may _have my Ritzies." Lily giggled. "Thank you, Mommy."

"Do you want me to come in with you, Alex?" Olivia asked in an undertone.

Alex nodded and clutched Olivia's hand. "Please."

"In that case, follow me," Dr. Konikoff said with another smile.

Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex and helped her to her feet. They followed Dr. Konikoff into her office and sat down on the purple couch across from her chair. It was almost a cliché, but Olivia didn't mind. She kept her arm around Alex, who was still trembling, and gave her hand a squeeze. "It's okay, baby," she said quietly, stroking Alex's hand with the pad of her thumb. "I'm here. I love you."

Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against Olivia. She wasn't usually keen on public displays of affection, but she needed the comfort right now. "I love you, too." She hesitated. "Hold me?"

"Of course, baby." Olivia wrapped her other arm around Alex and hugged her tightly. "All you have to do is ask."

Dr. Konikoff was watching them with a soft smile, and she waited until they were settled in before she said, "So, Alex, how did your week go?"

Alex dropped her eyes and played with a thread on her shirt. She didn't answer, instead resting her head on Olivia's shoulder and curling further into the detective.

"Alex?" Dr. Konikoff prompted.

Alex shook her head and Olivia gently rubbed her arms. "Would you like me to tell Dr. Konikoff, baby, or do you want to tell her yourself?"

"I don't want to," Alex whispered.

"Sweetheart, she needs to know. I can tell her or you can, but Dr. Konikoff can't help you if you don't tell her what's going on."

Alex closed her eyes. "Please, Olivia . . ."

"Alex, it's very important for Dr. Konikoff to know what happened. Can you tell her or should I?"

Alex chewed on her lip. "I will," she finally whispered.

Olivia smiled weakly. "Thank you, baby." She kissed the crown of Alex's head.

Alex looked at Dr. Konikoff. "I hurt myself."

"What did you do, Alex?" asked Dr. Konikoff.

Alex started to shake again, and Olivia held her more tightly. "With one of Olivia's belts," she finally said. "I hurt myself. My back was bleeding."

"Why did you do that?"

Alex looked away. "I don't know. I was overwhelmed and I was looking for a way to express my pain."

Dr. Konikoff smiled slightly. "Very good. But can you explain to me how you _felt_?"

Alex leaned back against Olivia. "Insecure. Afraid."

"So can you think of a positive way to deal with those emotions?"

Alex nodded. "I can talk to Olivia," she recited. "I can remove myself from a stressful situation or squeeze a stress ball or take a shower or a walk. I can ask Olivia to hold me."

"Those are all very good ideas," Dr. Konikoff said.

"Alex, can you tell Dr. Konikoff what we did a couple days ago?" Olivia asked.

"Lily and you and I said nice things about each other," Alex said.

"And do you remember what we said about you?"

Alex smiled a bit. "Lily said I'm her role model and you said I'm selfless and brave. But –"

Olivia brought a finger to her lips. "No buts, Alex. Let's leave it at that."

Dr. Konikoff raised an eyebrow. "That sounds like a really good thing you did."

Alex nodded. "It was."

Olivia turned back to Alex. "Do you want to tell Dr. Konikoff what else you did to hurt yourself or should I?"

Alex shook her head. "I sewed myself shut," she whispered. "Between my legs."

Dr. Konikoff knitted her brow. "Why did you do that, Alex?"

Alex lowered her eyes. "So no one would be able to hurt me. I was afraid . . . But Olivia found me and made me go the hospital. They took out the stitches."

"You know you could have hurt yourself very, very badly. You're lucky that Olivia found you when she did."

Alex nodded. "I know." She turned to Olivia and said, so quietly that Olivia barely heard, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me, baby. I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to help you. No thanks needed."

"I'm sorry I told you that you were like my master. You're nothing like him, Liv. Not at all. I didn't mean it. I was just upset."

"I know, sweetheart. Don't worry."

"Alex, what did you say to Olivia?" Dr. Konikoff asked, clearly not following the conversation.

Alex started to cry. She brushed futilely at her tears, and Olivia kissed her forehead. "It's okay to cry, Alex," she said quietly. "I've got you."

Alex nodded and took a deep, calming breath. "She told me I had to go to the hospital. I didn't want to. And I said – I said she was just like my master." She lifted her tearstained face to meet Olivia's. "I'm so sorry, Liv!"

"I know, Alex. I know you didn't mean it."

Dr. Konikoff looked at Olivia. "You probably saved her life, getting her to the hospital when you did."

Olivia held Alex close. "I couldn't lose her," she said softly. "Never again. I will never lose you again."

**Review for chapter thirty-seven!**


	37. Chapter 37

After an hour that seemed to stretch forever for Alex, Dr. Konikoff finally said they could go and she would see Alex next week, and Olivia was welcome to stay if Alex needed her to.

Olivia kept an arm around her exhausted girlfriend as they walked back out to the waiting room. "Are you okay, baby?" she asked quietly. "If you're not feeling up to it, we can drop you off at home and I'll take Lily to the park myself. Or we can postpone it to another day."

Alex shook her head. "No, I promised. I'll be okay." She met Olivia's eyes. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here with me. For being here _for _me."

Olivia kissed her cheek. "All you have to do is ask," she said again. "I'm more than happy to stay with you for as long as you need me to. And I'm really proud of you that you came here today, and you let me come with you, and you were brave enough to tell me what you needed."

Alex smiled almost imperceptibly and didn't say anything.

Lily was sitting in the waiting room, making up a story with her doll and several other toys she'd rounded up. She looked up when she saw her parents and abandoned the toys. She got to her feet and ran to them, wrapping her arms around their legs. "Mommy, you said you'd be quick!"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "When did I say that?"

"You took a hundred million years!"

Alex sighed, and Olivia lifted Lily onto her hip. "Well, Lily, are you still up for the park?"

Immediately, Lily's demeanour shifted. "Yeah!"

They got into the car and Olivia buckled Lily into her booster seat. Olivia linked her fingers with Alex and held tight. Alex smiled weakly and closed her eyes, leaning back against her seat.

"You can go to sleep, baby," Olivia whispered, gently stroking Alex's hair. "I'll wake you when we get there. I know you're tired. It's okay."

Alex nodded and rested her head against the windowsill. Olivia kissed her hand and held it as Alex drifted off to sleep.

"Momma," said Lily from the back seat. "Will you climb a tree with me? Mommy said I should ask you."

Olivia chuckled. "We'll see, Lil."

Lily pouted. "That means no."

"No, it means ask me when we get there."

"When are we going to get there?"

Olivia pointed to the clock in the car. "When the clock says 2:35, we'll be there."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"'Kay." Lily started to rebraid her doll's hair, momentarily appeased.

Olivia glanced at Alex, who was sound asleep, her face relaxed and her breathing even. She tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear and kissed her cheek.

They arrived at the park twenty minutes later, and Alex was still sleeping. Lily gasped and pointed out the window. "I want to go play! I want to go play!"

"Okay, Jacob Two-Two. Wait for us, please," Olivia said. "I'm just going to wake Mommy."

Lily giggled. "'Kay. Can Sara come with?"

"Yes, but you have to be very careful with her. If she gets dirty, we can't wash her."

"How come?"

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "Would _you _like to go in the washing machine?"

Lily shrugged. "It would be like a ride at Disneyworld!"

Olivia chuckled. "I think it would hurt. Sara doesn't want to be hurt."

Lily nodded. "I'll be careful."

"In that case, you can bring Sara with you."

"In that case, I _may _bring Sara with me."

Olivia laughed. "That's right." She turned to Alex and lightly brushed her hair back from her forehead, then gave her a kiss. "Hey, baby," she said softly when Alex started to stir.

Alex rubbed her eyes. "Mm. Liv?"

"Yeah. We're here."

"Where?"

"The park, baby. With Lily. You were asleep."

Alex smiled weakly. "I know." She yawned. "Well, that felt good."

Olivia smiled back and kissed her cheek. "Ready to go?"

Alex nodded and unbuckled her seatbelt. The three of them climbed out of the car. "You have to hold onto my hand, or Momma's," Alex told Lily, taking her hand. "In a park this big, you don't want to get lost."

Lily nodded seriously. "And I have to hold onto Sara's hand, too, so she doesn't get lost."

"That's right."

"Momma says she'll climb a tree with me!"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "I said we would see."

"And I asked you if that meant no, and you said it didn't mean no, so that means it means yes."

Olivia chuckled. "Uh oh! You've got me there. Alex, now there are two of you!"

Alex laughed. "I taught her well, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you taught me well, Mommy," Lily said.

Olivia shook her head. "What I am going to do with you?"

"Climb a tree with me!"

Olivia couldn't help but laugh.

They started to walk, Lily chattering about all the things she was going to do at the park and who was going to do them with her. "Mommy's going to push me on the swings, and Momma's going to come down the slide, and Mommy's going to –"

"Slow down, Lil," Olivia said. "You're making my head spin!"

"Hmm, who does that sound like?" Alex asked.

Olivia smiled sweetly. "I love having a mini-Alex running around the house."

"You know what? So do I."

"Me, too," Lily said, beaming.

"You like being a mini-me or you like running around the house?" Alex said.

Lily considered. "Both!"

The three of them continued to make their way toward the swing set that Lily had pointed out.

Suddenly, Alex stopped short. "Liv," she whispered, her eyes glazing over. She began to tremble, her breathing became laboured, and she clutched Olivia's arm.

Olivia was immediately alert, recognizing how abruptly a panic attack could occur for Alex even at a seemingly innocuous trigger. "What is it, baby? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Alex shook her head. "No – no – please, don't – please –"

Olivia sighed, realizing that Alex was having a flashback. She glanced around for a moment, trying to discern what had caused it. Then it occurred to her – a man was standing several feet away and smoking a cigarette. It had reminded Alex of that monster burning her with his cigarette, and Olivia wanted to kick herself. She should have known this would happen, should have paid more attention, should have better protected Alex, should have kept her away from the smoking areas of the park.

She tried to shake off her guilt. It wouldn't help Alex now. Her girlfriend had fallen to her knees, tears streaming down her cheeks as she begged an invisible demon not to hurt her. And Lily – Lily was standing beside Alex, her eyes wide with confusion. "Mommy?"

"Lily," Olivia said as calmly as she could, "I need you to go sit on that bench for a minute. Go sit there and then don't move. Don't talk to _anyone_." The bench was within eyeshot, but Olivia didn't want to take any chances.

Lily rushed to obey, and Olivia turned back to Alex. She knelt beside her girlfriend and met her eyes. "Alex, take a deep breath for me."

"No – no!"

"Alex, I'm going to count for you. I want you to breathe for me. Just focus on your breathing. It's okay. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . good girl. Now let it out. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five."

Alex was trying to breathe and starting to calm down, and Olivia let out of sigh of relief.

"Take my hand, Alex. Here, squeeze it really tight. You're not back there, Alex. You're safe and I'm here with you. Open your eyes. Tell me what you see."

"I – I can't." But Alex sounded slightly calmer, and her breathing was beginning to slow.

Olivia took this as a good sign. She glanced back at Lily, just to make sure she was still there, then said to Alex, "Alex, you're almost there. Open your eyes for me. What colour is my shirt, Alex?"

Alex finally opened her eyes. "B-blue."

"Good girl. And where are we?"

"At – at the – at the park?"

"That's right, Alex. We're at Central Park. Do you remember what day it is?"

Alex nodded and told her.

"There you are," Olivia said tenderly as Alex's body started to calm. She gave Alex's hand a squeeze in an attempt to soothe her residual fear. "You're okay, Alex. You're safe."

Alex took a deep breath again, then her surroundings and the fact that people were staring at them seemed to register. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and clung to Olivia.

"It's okay, baby." Olivia helped Alex to her feet and wrapped an arm around her to steady her trembling girlfriend. "It happens."

"Oh, Liv." Alex leaned against her girlfriend and closed her eyes.

Just then, Lily marched over to them. "Mommy, Momma. Come play."

Olivia glanced at Alex, whose legs were shaking so hard that she could barely stand. "Baby, I think we're going to have to come back another day."

Lily began to scream. "No! You promised! You promised!"

Alex began to cry at the sound, and Olivia sighed. "Lily, we're not going to have this discussion right now. Come on." She held out her hand, and when Lily didn't take it, she let go of Alex, who stumbled but didn't fall, and lifted Lily into her arms. "We're going to talk about this when you're calmer," she said, and carried Lily, who was now kicking and screaming, to the car. She knew that this wasn't fair to Lily, to promise something and then go back on her word, but these things happened. Alex's well-being was more important right now.

**Review for chapter thirty-eight!**


	38. Chapter 38

Olivia got a still-struggling Lily buckled into her booster seat and got into the front seat. She glanced at Alex, who was curled up against the window and whimpering, then at Lily, who was wailing even more loudly now. "Lily," she said, "I need you to stop screaming right now."

"No! I want to stay at the park!" Lily screamed.

"Well, we're not staying at the park. I'm going to count to three, and if you haven't stopped screaming by the time I get to three, Sara's going to come sit in the front seat with Mommy and I and you're not going to see her again until you wake up tomorrow."

"She's mine!"

"She is yours, but if you can't behave appropriately, then Mommy and I are going to have to hold onto her until you can behave better."

"Mommy, you ruin everything!" Lily yelled, then fell silent as instructed, except for her nearly imperceptible whimpers.

Olivia decided not to say anything about that right now and just enjoy the tentative silence while it lasted. She turned to Alex and brushed her hair back from her forehead. "Are you okay, baby?" she asked softly.

Alex shook her head and clung to Olivia so tightly that her nails left tiny crescent moons imprinted on Olivia's flesh.

"We're almost home, sweetheart. How about I run you a nice hot bath when we get there?"

Alex shook her head again. "Liv –"

"Yeah, baby. I mean both of us take a bath. I won't leave you by yourself."

Alex nodded and kept a tight hold on Olivia's hand. "I won't – I won't do anything."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "I know you won't, baby."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Alex, it's okay. These things happen, and I'll help you through them whenever they do."

Alex curled closer to the window. "I wish – I wish I could just be normal."

"Sweetheart, these things take time. I understand, and I'm here for you, no strings attached."

"Oh, Liv."

"Hey, don't _oh, Liv _me. We're family, Alex. That's what we do for each other."

"I love you so much."

"Alex, I love you, too. Remember that."

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand harder and sighed.

By the time they got home, Lily was still sulking. She stomped up to their apartment and refused to take Olivia's outstretched hand. Olivia kept an arm around Alex's shoulders to steady her, because Alex was shaking so hard that Olivia feared her legs wouldn't hold her.

"Lily," Olivia said as she unlocked the apartment door. "I want you to go to your room and stay there until I come to get you."

"No!" Lily said angrily. "You promised we could go to the park! You lied!"

"Lily, I'm not going to discuss this with you right now. When the clock says 5:00, I will come get you and we can talk about how you're feeling right now. But I need you to go to your room."

Lily glared at her. "You're just like the man."

Olivia sighed. That seemed to be the insult of choice in their house, and she still didn't know how to respond. But Lily had gone to her room and for that, at least, Olivia was thankful.

"Alex," she said quietly, "I'm going to run us a bath, okay?"

Alex nodded and clung to Olivia as they walked toward the bathroom.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Do you want to talk about it, baby? How are you feeling right now?"

"Scared," Alex whispered.

"Well, thank you for telling me that, Alex, but there's no need for you to be scared. I'm here for you, and I'm going to help you through this." She hesitated. "Why are you scared?"

"That this will keep happening." Alex squeezed her eyes shut. "I can't keep doing this to Lily."

Olivia sighed. She didn't know what to say to that.

Alex silently undressed, keeping her back to Olivia in an attempt to hide her body from her girlfriend. Olivia let her, even though she wished Alex wouldn't feel so ashamed. She wished Alex would realize how beautiful she was.

They climbed into the bathtub and Olivia held Alex close, not speaking, just holding her and gently rubbing her back. Alex gradually relaxed in Olivia's arms, and as her body calmed, she began to silently weep once again.

Olivia held her tightly. "It's okay to cry, Alex," she soothed. "It's okay. Just let it out. I've got you."

Alex nodded through her tears and leaned back against Olivia. She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and let Olivia thread her fingers through her hair. Olivia was here, even now, holding her and telling her that she still loved her. Olivia _did _love her. Alex couldn't quite figure out why, but she tried to let herself just accept Olivia's love.

As the water started to cool, Olivia pulled the plug and helped Alex out of the bathtub. She wrapped her shivering girlfriend up in a warm towel and hugged her tightly. She pressed a soft kiss to Alex's forehead and said, "Baby, I'm going to go talk to Lily. What she said to you was unacceptable."

Alex sighed. "Don't be angry with her, Liv. She's only four – she doesn't know better."

"Which is why we have to teach her." Olivia gave Alex another kiss. "Will you be okay?"

"I won't hurt myself, if that's what you mean."

"It wasn't, but that's good to hear anyway."

Alex bowed her head and nodded.

With one last kiss, Olivia returned to Lily's room and knocked on her door. "Lily, it's me. May I come in?"

"Yeah," came the muffled reply, and Olivia went in.

She sat down on Lily's bed. "Let's talk about what happened today."

Lily refused to look at her. "I hate you."

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

That clearly wasn't the reaction Lily had been expecting, and she peeked at Olivia.

Olivia met her gaze. "I know you're feeling angry right now, sweetheart, and I completely understand that. It's very frustrating when you're looking forward to something and then it doesn't happen."

"It's Mommy's fault."

"No, Lily, it isn't your Mommy's fault, and that's what we need to talk about. You really hurt her feelings when you said that, and I think you should tell her you're sorry."

Lily crossed her arms. "She should say sorry to _me_."

"Lily, do you remember what I explained to you about flashbacks?"

Lily shook her head. "I don't care."

"Then I'll explain it to you again. It's like you sometimes have nightmares about the man, Lily. Mommy has those nightmares too, except sometimes they happen during the day, and she gets really scared. Sometimes that means we won't be able to go to the park or play a game or get ice cream or do something else that we've planned, but it's very important to be respectful and help Mommy feel better. I know you're upset, and you don't think I'm not being fair, and I agree with you, but right now Mommy needs our support. Do you think you can be a big girl for me and tell her you're sorry?"

Lily sniffled. "But how come she gets nightmares during the day? That doesn't make sense. I only get nightmares at night."

"Lily, when someone goes through something really scary, different people react in different ways. Mommy's having a really tough time adjusting, and she needs our help. I know I'm asking you to act like a grownup, and I know that isn't fair, but this is something you need to do. For Mommy."

Lily nodded and held out her arms to Olivia. "I'm sorry, Momma."

"I know you are, baby." She lifted Lily onto her hip. "Let's go see how Mommy's feeling."

Lily wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and nodded.

Olivia carried her daughter into the master bedroom, where Alex was curled up on her side, staring listlessly at the ceiling. Lily sat down beside Alex and brushed her hair back from her forehead as she'd seen Olivia do in the past. "I'm sorry I made you sad, Mommy."

Alex wrapped her arms around Lily. "I'm not sad because of you, baby."

Lily snuggled up against Alex's side. "It's okay that we couldn't go to the park today, but can we go maybe tomorrow?"

"That sounds good, sweetheart."

Lily kissed Alex's cheek. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, Lily."

Olivia smiled as she watched them. They would get through this. They were a family and that was all that mattered.

**Review for chapter thirty-nine!**


	39. Chapter 39

The next week was the second week of August, and Alex and Olivia decided it was time to get Lily registered for kindergarten. Olivia had explained it to her, and they had read a few books about starting kindergarten together, and Lily was excited, if slightly apprehensive.

"Mommy, will you come with?" she asked, jumping on Alex and Olivia's bed the morning they were going to register. "Momma says she'll show me my classroom and I get to meet my teacher! And maybe the other kids will be there too, and I can meet them!" She turned to Olivia. "Will they like Barbies too?"

Olivia smiled and brushed Lily's hair back from her forehead. "I'm not sure, Lil. You'll have to ask them."

Lily snuggled up against her mother. "Mommy, please? Pretty please?"

Alex yawned. "I'm sleeping, Lily."

Lily giggled. "No, you're not! Otherwise how come you're talking to me?"

"She's a sharp one, Alex," Olivia said. She laughed and pulled at the duvet, but Alex clung more tightly to it. "Come on, Lex. Our daughter wants you!"

"No," Alex said, burrowing deeper under the covers. "She wants _you_. Go make her breakfast."

Olivia chuckled and extricated the duvet from Alex's grasp. She tossed it on the floor, ignoring Alex's whine of protest. "Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty."

"Yeah, Mommy! I want you to come to school with me."

Alex faked annoyance. "Fine, fine. I'm coming. Give me a minute."

Lily gave her a butterfly kiss. "'Kay. Momma made me pancakes, and we saved some for you."

Alex yawned. "Thanks, baby. I'll be there in a minute. Can you go get dressed for me?"

"Yeah. Can I wear – I mean, may I _please _wear my pink dress?"

Alex glanced at Olivia, who shrugged. "You can if you want to, but I think most of the other kids will be wearing jeans."

"No! I want my pink dress, 'cause it matches Sara's."

Olivia had bought her a pink dress from the American Girl Place to match one of her doll's outfits last week, and Lily had practically lived in that dress. Who were they to interfere with their daughter's creative expression?

Lily scampered toward her bedroom to change into her pink dress.

Olivia lightly tickled Alex's side. "Come on, up and at 'em."

Alex giggled and batted Olivia's hand away. "Liv! Stop."

Olivia ignored her and continued to tickle Alex. Who would have known she was so ticklish? "Not until you get up."

"Okay, okay! I'm getting up." Olivia obediently stopped and Alex climbed out of bed. "You play dirty."

"That's not dirty, Lex. Do you want to see dirty?"

Alex chucked a pillow at her. "Liv, get your mind out of the gutter! Our daughter's in the next room."

"Hey, that just means I have to be quiet. But if I recall correctly, it's _you _with that problem."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Go play with Lily or something. I promise, I'll be ready in ten minutes."

"Okay." Olivia grinned. "Meet you in ten."

"Liv?" Alex's eyes were suddenly full of uncertainty. "Is this – is this going to be okay?" She didn't know exactly how to phrase her question, but she hoped Olivia understood anyway.

"No, actually, I didn't tell you, but . . . we're sending her to a Catholic school."

Alex chuckled, the tension broken. "No, we're not. We picked the school _together_, remember?"

"Oh, right, I forgot." Her expression softened and she leaned forward to give Alex a quick kiss. "It'll be fine, baby."

Alex nodded and took a deep breath. She smiled slightly. "Okay, now leave me alone. I'm going to change, and then we're going to leave."

Olivia smiled back. "Yes, boss."

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, they were standing in the main office of Lily's new school. Olivia had Lily balanced on her hip while Alex filled out some forms. "I want to go see my classroom," Lily said, resting her head in the crook of Olivia's neck.

"In a few minutes, baby. Mommy needs to finish filling out these forms first."

Alex turned to Olivia. "Liv, can you give me her birth certificate?"

Olivia fished it out of Alex's purse and handed it to her. They'd gotten the birth certificate issued a week after Lily had been found, and it listed both Alex and Olivia as her parents.

"And her health card?"

"Yes, boss." Olivia handed her the health card.

"Thanks, love."

Olivia smiled. Alex seemed so happy this morning, so comfortable and relaxed. She usually wasn't one to throw around pet names in public, but Olivia liked how, today at least, Alex seemed at ease with herself and in her own skin.

Finally they finished, and the secretary pointed them in the direction of Lily's new classroom. Lily clung to Olivia's neck and Olivia carried her to the classroom.

A tall, young woman with curly dark hair and an infectious smile was standing at the door to the kindergarten classroom. "Good morning," she said to Lily. "My name's Ms. Dannenfelt. Are you going to be in my class?"

Lily smiled shyly and nodded.

"That's great! What's your name?"

"Lily."

"And is this your mom?"

Olivia and Alex exchanged glances. They'd anticipated this question, but they hadn't yet figured out how to answer it.

However, Lily didn't seem perturbed in the slightest. "Both my moms. I have two moms, 'cause I'm double special! I get Mommy, and Momma, and then I get Elliot and John and Fin. They're like my daddies."

Alex chuckled, the tension evaporating. "No, they're not, baby. They're like your uncles."

Lily smiled sheepishly. "Oh, yeah. That's what I meaned – that's what I _meant_," she corrected herself, glancing at Alex.

Alex smiled at her. "That's right."

Ms. Dannenfelt held out her hand for Alex to shake, and then Olivia, her smile never wavering. "It's nice to meet you both."

Lily peeked at Ms. Dannenfelt again. "You're going to be my teacher?"

"Yes."

"Do you have Barbies?"

Ms. Dannenfelt laughed. "I think we do, in fact. They're for centers."

"What's centers?"

"Before pick-up time, every day for an hour we have centers. You can go to the art table or the music center, or you can play with the dolls or the Lego, or you can go to the reading corner."

That seemed to pique Lily's interest. "You have books?"

"Yes, we do have books."

"I like books."

Ms. Dannenfelt smiled. "What books do you like?"

"_Junie B. Jones_, 'cept Mommy says they have bad grammar. She's in kindergarten too, 'cept her teacher is just Mrs., and that's all." Lily giggled. "Mommy read the _Magic Tree House _books with me, and _Little House on the Prairie_ and the_ A-Z Mysteries_ and the_ Bailey School Kids _and _A Little Princess _and _The Secret Garden_. I named my doll after Sara in _A Little Princess_, 'cause she's _my_ princess. Momma bought Sara a dress that matches the one I'm wearing now at the 'Merican Girl Place. Momma's reading me the 'Merican Girl books, too. We finished Samantha and Rebecca and now Momma's reading Kit with me."

"Wow, you're quite a well-read young lady," Ms. Dannenfelt said, suitably impressed. "Those are all very good books."

Lily beamed. "What books do you have?"

"It's probably not extensive as the one you have at home, but do you know what we have at school?"

"What?"

"We have a library, right here, and you can check out two books at a time."

Lily gasped. "Really?"

Ms. Dannenfelt smiled. "Our class is going to go to the library on Tuesdays."

Lily tugged on Alex's hand. "Mommy, we get a library!"

"I heard, sweetheart."

"Will you show me the books you have in the reading corner, please?" Lily asked.

"Of course, since you asked so nicely." Ms. Dannenfelt looked at Alex, then at Olivia. "You have such a well-behaved daughter. I can tell she's going to be a pleasure to have in my class."

"Momma, put me down!" Lily said, practically bursting with excitement. "Ms. Dannenfelt's going to show me the books!"

Olivia obediently lowered Lily to the ground and gave Alex a smile as Lily easily slipped her hand into her teacher's and followed her into the classroom. "Lex, I think Lily's going to like school just fine."

**Review for chapter forty!**


	40. Chapter 40

Their good day continued. After Lily had seen and commented on every single book in the classroom library, Olivia and Alex decided to have a day out. They took her to the American Museum of Natural History, where Lily was enraptured for nearly two hours by the dinosaur exhibit. By the time they left, Lily could identify twelve different dinosaurs and which time period they lived in. They went out for dinner, and Lily spent the entire time alternating between chattering about school and dinosaurs.

By the time they arrived home, Lily had fallen asleep in her booster seat, clearly tuckered out from her long, exciting day. Alex carried her into their apartment, changed her into her pajamas, and tucked Lily into bed.

Alex found Olivia stretched out on the bed, flipping television channels. She curled up beside Olivia and kissed her cheek. "I had a good day today."

Olivia smiled at her. "Me, too, baby."

Alex took a deep breath. "Liv?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"I want to make love to you," Alex whispered.

Olivia sat up, her expression serious. She locked her eyes onto Alex's. "Are you sure you're ready?"

Alex considered. "I think so, but –" She ducked her head in shame.

"What is it, baby?"

"You can't touch me. I want to touch you, but – I don't – I'm not ready for that, yet."

"That's perfectly fine, Alex," Olivia said quietly. "We'll take it as slow as you need to."

Alex looked away. "I need to hold your hands."

"Of course." Olivia cupped her cheek. "If that's what you need, sweetheart, then that's what I'll do. You don't need to feel ashamed. You're safe, Alex, and if that's how I can show you, then I will."

A few tears leaked from Alex's eyes. "I don't want to feel like my master."

"Alex," Olivia said firmly. "Look at me." When Alex did, she continued, "You are nothing like that monster. What he did to you was beyond your control. You said no, and still he hurt you. Now you need to take control to feel safe, and I understand that. I'm telling you that you _can _do that, and that's the opposite of what you said to him. He didn't ask you. You're asking me, and I'm saying yes. That doesn't make you like him." She kissed Alex's cheek. "It's okay, and I love you. I will do whatever it takes to help you through this."

Alex nodded. "Okay," she whispered, and gestured to Olivia's clothes. "May I?"

Olivia smiled. "Of course."

Impossibly slowly, Alex began to undress her girlfriend, as delicately as if she was a china doll. She kissed every inch of Olivia's skin and then brought her mouth up to meet Olivia's. Olivia let Alex kiss her, hesitantly at first, but more passionately as Alex gained confidence. Alex began to cry again as she held Olivia's wrists over her head. She didn't want to feel so aggressive, and she didn't want to feel like she was hurting Olivia, although Olivia had told her that she wasn't, wouldn't, couldn't. But this was what she needed to feel safe.

She made love to Olivia, and by the time both of their bodies had stilled and relaxed, they were both crying silently.

Alex was the first to recover. "Thank you," she whispered, unable to put into words how much she appreciated the gift Olivia had given her. She loved Olivia so much, and she knew Olivia loved her, too.

Olivia rolled over and ran the pad of her thumb across Alex's forehead. "I'm proud of you, baby."

Alex smiled. "For the orgasm?"

Olivia chuckled. "No, although that was pretty amazing. I mean for recognizing what you needed and being brave enough to ask for it."

Alex gave Olivia another kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Olivia started to wrap her arms around Alex, but her girlfriend gently pushed her hands away. "No, Liv. You're always so strong for me. Tonight, let me hold you. Please."

Olivia studied Alex's face, not wanting to insult her by asking if she was sure. "I'd like that," she said quietly.

Alex smiled and gave Olivia a kiss. "I'd like that, too."

**I know it was short, but a short update is better than none at all, right? Review for chapter forty-one!**


	41. Chapter 41

Olivia awoke around three in the morning to find Lily standing in front of their bed, clutching her doll to her chest, her cheeks wet with tears.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked, opening her arms for her daughter. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Lily climbed onto the bed and melted into Olivia's embrace. She nodded mutely.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia said, tenderly rocking Lily in her arms.

Lily shook her head and leaned back against Olivia. "The man," she whispered, then, "I want Mommy!"

"Okay, sweetie." Olivia gently shook Alex awake, and when Alex stirred, said, "Alex, Lily had a bad dream."

"Mommy!" Lily held her arms out to Alex and Alex sat up in bed. She took Lily into her arms and held her close as she began to sing, softly.

"_You are my sunshine,_

_My only sunshine_

_You make me happy_

_When skies are gray_

_You'll never know, dear_

_How much I love you_

_Please don't take _

_My sunshine away."_

Lily began to relax, and she curled further into Alex. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, sweet girl."

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"How come you hurted Oliver?"

Alex sat up, startled. She didn't know how she was supposed to respond to such a question. "Lily . . ." was all she could say, and she glanced at Olivia, almost as if for help.

"Mommy, the man said hurt me, but you didn't. But you hurted Oliver. How come?"

"Lily," Alex said again, struggling to find the right words. "I love you. I couldn't hurt you."

"But then the man hurted you. That hurted me, too."'

Alex felt tears rushing to her eyes. "I know, baby. I'm sorry."

Lily shook her head. "But I don't understand. He said help me practice. Practice what?"

"Is that what your nightmare was about, sweetheart?"

Lily nodded and snuggled closer to Alex.

Alex held her tightly. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

"But Mommy, you did protect me. Just not Oliver. 'Cause you love me more?"

Alex took a deep breath. She looked back at Olivia, who was sitting silently, clearly letting her take the lead on this one. "I couldn't," she whispered. She knew that this day would come, when her daughter would ask about her brother, and she didn't know how to put her own guilt aside to answer.

Alex felt Olivia's warm arms encircling her, and this time, she was grateful. She tried again.

"Lily, the man hurt both of us very badly. And he said that if I didn't do what he said to Oliver, he would hurt you worse. And I couldn't let that happen. I love you too much."

"But I love Oliver. And so do you."

"Sweetheart, I did love Oliver, and I still do. But he's not coming back. I know you might never be able to forget him, because he was your brother, but we can be a family now without him. You, me, and Momma."

"But I want Oliver! He wants to come to school with me, and he wants to meet Momma, and he wants to have ice cream and go see the dinosaurs and go to the park. He can be Sara's uncle."

"Baby, that's not going to happen."

Now, Olivia spoke up. "Do you know what I think we should do?"

"What?" Lily asked.

"We should have a funeral for Oliver, to say goodbye to him. You and Mommy can tell me about him, and we can sing songs, and then we can say goodbye."

Lily sniffled. "Can Sara come? I already telled – I already _told _her about Oliver."

"Of course Sara can come." Olivia kissed her forehead. "How about Mommy and I come tuck you into bed? We'll sit with you until you fall asleep."

Lily nodded and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck. "'Kay."

Olivia carried her into bed and tucked her in. Alex sat on the edge of the bed and gently stroked Lily's hair, softly singing a lullaby.

"_Hush little baby, don't say a word_

_Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird_

_And if that mockingbird don't sing_

_Mommy's gonna buy you a diamond ring_

_And if that diamond ring turns brass_

_Mommy's gonna buy you a looking glass_

_And if that looking glass gets broke_

_Mommy's gonna buy you a billy goat_

_And if that billy goat won't pull_

_Mommy's gonna buy you a cart and bull_

_And if that cart and bull fall down_

_You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town._

_So hush little baby, please don't cry,_

_Because Momma loves you and so do I."_

Alex kissed her sleeping daughter's forehead and tucked her doll under her arm. "I used to sing that to her when she was a baby," Alex said quietly, glancing at Olivia. "It was the only thing that could calm her down, sometimes. It was how I reminded her of you – _because Olivia loves you and so do I_." She smiled weakly and hummed the last bar of the song again.

She got up off the bed and slipped her hand into Olivia's. They walked together toward the bedroom and lay down together on the bed. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and Alex curled up against her.

"Liv," she said after a few moments. "I have something to tell you."

Olivia held her more tightly. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Alex, but I'm here to listen if you do."

Alex nodded. "I – I want to. I think."

"Okay, baby. Whenever you're ready."

Alex took a deep breath. "My master told me to molest Lily," she said bluntly. "Once. That was what he meant by practicing. He told me to put my fingers inside her. I said I wouldn't do it." She swallowed hard. "He said he'd punish me. I said I didn't care, I wouldn't do it. He asked if I was sure. I said yes." She squeezed Olivia's hand as tightly as she could, trying to anchor herself, to ground herself as she talked about what had been done to her. "He raped me, in front of Lily. I tried to be strong, but I was crying . . . it hurt," she whispered, ashamed of her own weakness as a tear fell down her cheek. "She was so afraid, and he tied her up so she wouldn't be able to move. She was saying _Mommy, Mommy, _and I couldn't go to her. I couldn't help her." She took another breath. "He burned me, then. Between my legs. Meticulously, almost. And Lily was watching . . . she didn't understand, she just saw me in pain, and I couldn't stop screaming. It just hurt so much! Then I tried to tell her I was okay, but she didn't believe me. She just cried. And there was nothing I could do." She began to cry, and Olivia just held her, gently rubbing her back until she calmed.

Olivia waited until her sobs had quieted before saying softly, "Alex, you know it wasn't your fault."

Alex nodded. "I know. But that doesn't make it any easier."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Tell me what you need right now, baby."

Alex dropped her gaze. "A hug."

"Oh, baby." Olivia smiled and opened her arms.

**Review for chapter forty-two!**


	42. Chapter 42

Alex managed to fall back asleep, but around 5:00 she awoke again with a nightmare, crying as quietly as she could, so as not to disturb Olivia.

Olivia woke up as soon as she felt Alex shifting in her arms and she was immediately on alert. She reached out to stroke Alex's hair, but Alex cringed and shied away. "No, no, please –"

"Alex, it's okay. It's just me." Olivia took her hand. "It's okay, baby. You're safe."

Alex curled away from Olivia. "My master – he was beating me, with his belt. My back was all torn up and bleeding and I was crying – I tried to be strong. He said – he said I deserved it. He didn't care when I screamed, he just hurt me more, and he said you would hurt me too, because I deserved it, because I was weak and stupid and ugly and I didn't know how to be a good girl." Alex glanced at her and shuddered when she saw that Olivia's hands had curled into fists. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not – I'm not the Alex you fell in love with, and I know I'm not good enough –"

Olivia relaxed her hands. "Alex, I will never hurt you. Do you know that?"

Alex ducked her head. "Yes, ma'am."

Olivia sighed. She absolutely hated seeing Alex like this, her shoulders hunched in shame, her head bowed as if in deference, or disgrace. "Baby –"

She opened her arms and Alex melted into them, soaking Olivia's shirt with salty tears. She waited several moments, just held Alex in silence before she continued.

"It makes me sad – no, it makes me _angry_ to think of someone hurting you, Alex. You and Lily are the two most important people in my life, and it breaks my heart to think about the depth of the trauma you've endured, and how brave you've had to be. I love you with all my heart, Alex. When you were gone, I thought about you every single day. I –" She stopped. Alex didn't need to know about the nightmares she'd had, each more gruesome than the next.

"You what?"

Olivia shook her head as if to clear it. "I used to have nightmares, about what might be happening to you. I'd wake up screaming and reach for you, but you wouldn't be there."

Alex blinked back the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Olivia gave her a squeeze. "Alex, stop saying you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. I need you to know that."

"But – but I hurt you."

"You didn't, angel. _He _did. Not you."

Alex started to cry again. "Every time he hurt me, I thought of you." She clung tightly to her girlfriend. "That you'd hold me, that you'd tell me you love me – I would have given anything just to hear your voice one more time."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Me, too, baby. I felt the same way." She held Alex close. "And now you're here with me, and you're safe, both of you. I'll never ask for anything in my life ever again, because this is all I could ever want."

"Liv . . ." Alex sighed and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Olivia smiled gently at her. "You were _you_, Alex, and that's all I've ever wanted. You don't need to look for all the reasons I love you, baby. If you really want to know, you can just ask me, and I'll spend eight hours listing every single thing about you that I absolutely love. Here's one – your smile." Alex smiled almost reflexively at her words, and Olivia kissed her cheek. "There it is, that beautiful smile that I fell in love with the minute I saw it. On my beautiful Alex, who I fell in love with the minute I saw her."

Alex closed her eyes. "I highly doubt that."

"Okay, you've got me," Olivia admitted. "I fell in love with you the minute I heard you say _posthumous jurisdiction_. I didn't realize that legalese could be so sexy."

Alex smiled again. "_Right_. Can you at least _attempt _to get your mind out of the gutter?"

Olivia pretended to consider. "Nope, I don't think so. Last night was too nice."

Alex's expression suddenly turned more insecure. "Really?"

Olivia caressed Alex's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "Yeah, really."

Alex smiled wearily and leaned into the touch. "Thank you for doing that for me, Olivia. I needed it. To feel safe." She sighed and settled back into Olivia's arms. "I hope that, someday, things will be different. That I don't need that. That – not that I can trust you, because I know I can. It's not you –"

"I know that, sweetheart. Maybe someday you'll be able to let me make love to you, and you'll be able to remember that I'll never hurt you, and you'll be able to feel safe without being in control 100%. But that might not happen for a long time, and I'm perfectly willing to wait as long as it takes. Last night, you opened up to me – you gave a part of yourself to me, and that was so special that I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me. I love you, Alex, and we're going to get through this together. I promise that I'll be here, with you and for you."

"I think I can sleep now," Alex whispered. "If you stay here with me, and hold me just like this."

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Of course." She shifted to get more comfortable and wrapped her arms more tightly around Alex. "'Night, angel."

"Goodnight, Liv."

**Review for chapter forty-three!**


	43. Chapter 43

Three weeks later was Lily's first day of school. Lily was practically bouncing off the walls in excitement. "Can I bring Sara?" she asked Alex.

"Not to school, because she might get lost or hurt," Alex said.

"But I bringed – I _brought_ her to see Grace."

"That's different."

"How come?"

Alex sighed. "You can bring Sara if you want to, but if she gets lost or hurt, it's on you."

"'Kay. I'll be careful. I'll be very, very careful. I'll be so careful –"

"Okay, sweetie, I get it. You'll be careful."

"I'm gonna wear my pink dress!"

Alex glanced at Olivia, who just shrugged. "If you want to."

"Yeah, I want to!" Lily raced to her room to get dressed.

Alex rolled her eyes at Olivia. "What did you _give _her? Hyper pills?"

"She's excited, Lex."

"And now we get to hand her over to her teacher." Alex smiled. "I don't know what I'll do with my now-copious spare time."

"We can go to the park, or to see a movie, or just come home and spend some time together."

"I thought you had to go back to work."

"I do, but I won't leave you by yourself for the day unless you're sure you'll be comfortable. Maybe on Monday?"

Alex nodded. "That sounds reasonable."

"Do you think you'll be okay with that?"

"I won't hurt myself, if that's what you mean."

"It's not. I mean, will you feel safe?"

"I think so."

"You can call me if you don't, Alex, and I'll drop everything and come home. Cragen knows that."

Alex shook her head. "That's not fair to you."

Olivia reached out to take her hand. "When you were abducted, _that _wasn't fair to me. When you legitimately need something from me, that's perfectly okay. I promised I'd be there for you and I will be. You're the most important thing in my life, Alex, and I'm not going to let you hurt. Physically or emotionally."

Alex gave Olivia a hug. "I love you so much," she whispered into Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia gently rubbed her back. "I love you, too, baby." She held Alex at arm's length. "We're going to be okay."

Alex managed a smile. "I know."

* * *

Alex and Olivia both walked Lily to her classroom, worrying that she might experience separation anxiety and need both of them there. However, Lily was perfectly happy to leave her parents behind at the door. "'Bye, Momma," she said, blowing kisses. "'Bye, Mommy!"

"I'll see you when the clock says 11:45," Alex said.

Lily shrugged. "Okay. Sara's excited for her first day of school too!"

Alex bent down to kiss her daughter's forehead. "You're such a big girl, Lily, and I know I don't tell you enough, but I'm really proud of you."

Lily beamed. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, baby. Have a good day at school."

"Have a good day at home, Mommy," Lily said sweetly before skipping into her classroom and plopping herself down on the carpet in the middle of the room.

Alex glanced at Olivia and found that her girlfriend's eyes were swimming with tears. She hadn't realized this would affect Olivia so deeply. Wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulders, she said, "Come on, Liv. It's okay. We'll see her in a couple of hours."

Olivia wiped at her tears. "I know. This just – this wasn't the plan."

"What, sending her to school?"

"No – you know what I mean. But I couldn't love her any more if I tried, and I can't imagine being without her."

Alex wrinkled her nose. "Well, I guess for the next three hours, you're going to have to find out."

Olivia chuckled and tapped Alex's nose. "You're so cute when you do that."

Alex struck a pose. "I'm just cute, _period_."

Olivia grinned. "That too."

* * *

Alex and Olivia arrived at 11:42 to pick Lily up from school. They waited in the designated pick up area for the kindergarteners, which consisted of a fenced off area of the playground. They were surrounded by parents, mostly mothers, as well as nannies who were waiting for their children.

Moments later, Lily came bursting out the door clutching the hand of another little girl. "Lydia, there's my mommy and my momma!"

"How come you've got twomoms?" asked the girl.

"'Cause I'm double special!"

"Cool!"

Lily beamed. "See you tomorrow, Lyddie."

"See you tomorrow, Lil."

Lily skipped toward Alex and jumped into her mother's arms. "Mommy, guess what?"

Alex shifted Lily in her arms. "What, baby?"

"We got to play first letter, last letter, and Ms. Dannenfelt read us _Something For Nothing_, 'cept you already read that one to me so she said I could be her helper, and I got to sit and read with her! But most of my friends can't read yet. Lyddie's gonna be my best friend. She gets to call me _Lil _and I get to call her _Lyddie_, even though her actual name's _Lydia_. She's got a doll too, a 'Merican Girl one. Actually, she has two – Samantha and Nellie. Remember when we read those books? And she thinks Sara's really pretty, and she's gonna bring Samantha tomorrow so our girls can play together. Oh, and we made strawberry banana orange juice!"

Alex wrinkled her nose. "Did it taste good?"

"Yeah, it was yummy! Sara liked it too. Ms. Dannenfelt told me I'm a really good reader, and we went to the library and Ms. Dannenfelt checked out the last _Magic Treehouse _for me. Can we start it tonight?"

"How about the three of us read together after dinner?" Olivia suggested, leaning over to give Lily a kiss.

"Yeah, and Sara too! Can Lydia come over to play with me this weekend?"

Olivia glanced at Alex. "I'm not sure, sweetie. You'll have to ask Mommy."

"Mommy, can Lyddie come over this weekend?"

"If her parents say it's all right, she can come over on Saturday," Alex said. "I'll write down our phone number for you and you can give it to Lydia to give to her parents."

Lily beamed. "Guess what they've got at school?"

Alex pretended to think about it for a moment. "American Girl dolls?"

Lily giggled. "No, silly! Well, Sara's there, but she's mine."

"Hmm, books?"

"Yeah, but what else?"

"Monkeys?"

"Why would there be monkeys at school?"

Alex sighed in mock exasperation. "I give up. What do they have at school?"

"Play-doh!" Lily clapped her hands in glee. "And I made my name with it! Ms. Dannenfelt was very impess."

"Ms. Dannenfelt was impressed?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, she was _impressed_," Lily said carefully. "'Cause 'parrently we don't start learning to write for a hundred million years!"

Alex chuckled. "I think you're exaggerating, sweetie."

"No, I'm not 'zaggerating. She really said not until I'm a bit bigger, which is in a hundred million years. First we get to do some more reading, but I already _know _how to do reading! I can read Jack and Annie all by myself."

"I know you can, Lily, but there are sixteen other kids in your class who might not know how to read chapter books by themselves."

"I know. Ms. Dannenfelt says I'm very _advanced_."

Alex smiled. "You are very advanced, sweetheart."

"Lydia knows how to read, too. Well, kind of. She can read her name." Then Lily gasped. "Mommy, Lydia's in my book!"

"Which book?"

"_A Little Princess_. She's Sara's Mommy. How come she's in my book?"

"Sometimes there can be more than one person with the same name, Lily. That doesn't mean they're the same person."

Lily scrunched up her nose. "How come that happens?"

"Because there are only so many names in the world, and sometimes more than one parent likes a name and wants to give that name to their child without knowing anyone else with that name."

"So I'm not the only Lily?"

"Remember when we read _Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse_, Lil?" Olivia said. "Lilly had your name, but she wasn't you."

"Oh, yeah, but her name was spelled different."

"Her name was spelled differently," Olivia agreed. "When I was a kid, there was a girl in my class named Olivia, but she wasn't the same person as me. Her mom just really liked the name Olivia and named her Olivia."

"But then she's a copycat!"

Olivia chuckled, abandoning the explanation as she lifted Lily into her booster seat. "I guess she is."

**Review for chapter forty-four!**


	44. Chapter 44

Olivia talked to Lydia's parents the next day and arranged a play date for Lydia and Lily at their apartment. Alex was feeling slightly anxious about how Lydia's parents would react to their "lifestyle," but it didn't seem to be a problem. "Not everyone is so close-minded, Lex," Olivia told her. "They're the minority, not us."

"They're quite a _vocal _minority."

Olivia smiled. "If you show Lily a tall, thin glass with orange juice in it and a smaller, wider glass with the same amount of orange juice in it, she'll tell you the taller one has more orange juice in it. That doesn't mean there actually is more orange juice in the taller glass. That just means the orange juice _looks _like more because it's so visible. But when you look more closely, you'll see they're exactly the same size."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Now that we have a four-year-old, are all of our analogies going to revolve around perceptual errors?"

Olivia chuckled. "Anyway . . . Lydia's mother will drop her off at 11:00 and she can stay until 2:00."

"That sounds good."

Olivia caught the hesitancy in her eyes. "Will you be okay?"

Alex fixed Olivia with her most piercing glare. "I'm not a damn invalid, Olivia! Our daughter can have her friend over when she wants to without worrying about me."

"I know, baby," Olivia said quietly. "But I want to make sure that, first and foremost, you're okay with this."

Alex nodded. "I'm fine. And it's not today, anyway."

Olivia leaned over to kiss Alex's cheek. "No, it's not today."

Alex sighed, her body going limp. "I'm sorry, Liv. I just wish I could be normal. Lily shouldn't have to worry about me. Neither should you, for that matter. And you shouldn't have to structure your lives around me."

Olivia wrapped her arms around her. "Alex, we're family. You're important to me, and that's what we do for each other."

"No, that's what _you_ do for _me_."

"Oh, Alex. You'd do it for me too if I needed it."

Alex refused to meet Olivia's eyes. "But Liv, you don't need it. I do."

"Exactly. And whatever you need, I promise I'll do for you, baby. I love you."

"You shouldn't."

Olivia's breath caught. "And why shouldn't I?"

"Because I'll hurt you. That's all I do. That's all I'm good for."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Why do you think that, Alex?"

"Well, look at the evidence," Alex said matter-of-factly. "You were doing fine before I showed up, and now you can't even leave the house without worrying about me and my panic attacks."

"No, Alex," Olivia said quietly, "I was most certainly _not _doing fine while you were missing. I worried about you every single moment of every single day. I went to see a therapist – a stupid therapist who told me I needed to move on and couldn't spend the rest of my life focussing on you. That I had to accept facts, that you might never be found and you might never be the same even if you were. I knew that, Alex, but I still wanted – no, I still _needed _you back. Because I love you, and that's all I know." She took a deep breath. "I used to imagine you, raped and murdered and lying in a ditch somewhere, and that I might never find you, that I might never know. I tried to believe that you were happy wherever you were, that you were with God, but I never believed in that sort of thing anyway, and I couldn't imagine why God would ever want to take you from me, if He even existed. I thought He might be punishing for me, so I did everything I could to make amends, but years went by and I still didn't find you. I got depressed. I couldn't concentrate on anything except you, and Cragen threatened to fire me. He knew how hard it was for me, but every single time I went to a crime scene, I would hold my breath, praying the body I was about to uncover wasn't yours."

Olivia finally glanced at Alex, realizing she might have overstepped her boundaries. Alex's head was bowed in shame and her shoulders were hunched, almost as if she was trying to make herself as small as she could be, as if she was ashamed of herself.

Olivia sighed. "Alex, I didn't tell you this to upset you. I just don't want you to give up on yourself now. I haven't given up on you in nearly five years, and I still think you're great. I just wish you could see how great you are too."

Wordlessly, Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia. Olivia hugged her back, and they stayed like that for long moments, just holding each other, showing their love physically where words failed.


	45. Chapter 45

On Friday night, Alex had the worst nightmare she'd had in weeks. She woke Olivia up around three in the morning with her thrashing and screaming. Attempting to make sure Lily remained asleep, Olivia gently took Alex's hand and stroked it with the pad of her thumb. "Alex, you're having a bad dream. You can wake up now – you're safe. It isn't real, angel. It's okay."

Alex shied away like a skittish foal and whimpered. She was still caught within the throes of her nightmare, and Olivia knew she had to bring Alex out of it, fast, before Lily woke up.

She seized upon an idea Dr. Konikoff had had last week and turned on the CD player on their dresser. She put in the CD Dr. Konikoff had given them, containing several of Alex's favourite songs as well as some soothing instrumentals of the ocean, rain, a fan, and birds. She switched it to _If That's What It Takes_, which she'd learned often helped Alex through a flashback, and began to sing quietly along.

She wrapped an arm around Alex to ground her and protect her from her own thrashing, and she kissed Alex's forehead.

"_Through the wind and the rain_

_Through the smoke and the fire_

_When the fear rises up_

_When the wave's ever higher_

_I will stand like a rock_

_I will bend till I break_

_Till there's no more to give_

_If that's what it takes."_

She felt Alex's body start to calm, and her eyes flickered open. "L-Liv?" Alex whimpered, clinging to Olivia in an attempt to anchor herself to the one person she knew would always protect her.

"Yeah, baby. I'm here." She gave Alex another kiss. "Do you want to talk?"

Alex shook her head and curled up against Olivia. Her hands were icy, and Olivia lightly blew on them to warm them up.

"Do you want me to turn on the ocean?" she asked as the track switched.

Alex nodded mutely, and Olivia changed the CD to the ocean track.

"Would you like me to rub your back, baby?"

Alex closed her eyes and nodded.

Olivia began to rub comforting circles into Alex's back. "I love you," she said quietly as Alex curled closer to her. "Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Always."

"I love you, too," Alex whispered, and then, "I'm sorry I woke you."

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "No apologies, baby. That's what I'm here for."

Alex took a deep breath. "He was hurting me," she said, so softly that her words were barely audible. "My master. He whipped me, between my legs. And I – I was screaming and kicking and trying to get away. He had me tied up, so obviously I couldn't, and for all my struggles he just punished me more. And he made Lily watch. He said that's what happens when you don't behave, and then when I was covered in blood and thought I would just pass out from the pain, he raped me, with a baton or something similar – I don't know. He blindfolded me. It hurt so badly –"Alex let out a strangled sob. "Why couldn't he just have killed me?"

Olivia held her close. "Because Lily needs you, baby, and so do I. God knows that."

Alex turned her head away. "I don't believe in that anymore. How can I? Why would God want me to suffer? And my babies."

Olivia sighed, not wanting to get into a theological discussion with Alex at three in the morning. "I don't know, sweetheart. But the one thing I do know right now is that I love you, and I can't even begin to express how happy I am that you're here with me." She gave Alex a smile. "I know you're finding it difficult to understand right now, and believe, but I do love you, and I'm not going anywhere. I will always be here, Alex, no matter what."

Alex swallowed hard. "I might not be, though."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Alex, I know that you think what happened to you and the children was your fault, but you're _wrong_. None of what that monster did to you was your fault. You did what you had to do to survive, and you got Lily out of there. You raised her to be the wonderful young lady she is. You did the best you could, sweetheart. I hope that someday you'll realize that."

Alex rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia. "How can I, Liv? My daughter has nightmares of me murdering my son, and watching me be raped, and –"

"Alex, that wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was! I should have put her first, instead of just thinking of me, me, me."

"Alex, you _weren't_. How does being raped make you selfish?"

"Because I let her see. She's never going to forget that, Olivia."

Olivia sighed. "It's an unfortunate situation, Lex, but you can't blame yourself for it. What could you have done?"

Alex didn't answer. She curled into herself and began to cry.

"Can I hug you?"

Alex inclined her head and Olivia folded her into her warm embrace. She felt Alex's body shuddering in her arms and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"It's okay," she said as Alex's shaking increased exponentially. "Go on and cry, sweetheart. I've got you."

Alex shook her head and broke out of Olivia's hold. She got up off the bed and started toward their closet. "You should – you should punish me," she whispered. "I need to be punished. Like – like he did." She found what she was looking for and brought the belt back to Olivia. Kneeling beside the bed, she handed the belt to Olivia, unable to contain her trembling.

Olivia's eyes were full of sadness. "No, sweetie. I'm not going to hurt you." She closed Alex's hands over the belt. "Go put that away, Alex. I won't hit you with it."

Alex dropped her gaze. "But you should."

Olivia sat down beside Alex on the floor and locked eyes with her. "I _won't_," she repeated clearly. "Ever. No matter what you do, no matter if you ask me to, no matter how angry I am – which I'm not right now – I will never hurt you, Alex."

Alex hunched her shoulders like a beaten dog. "Please," she whispered.

"_No_. You don't deserve to be hurt, Alex, and I will never do that to you."

Suddenly, Alex's body went limp. "I know," she whimpered, resting her cheek on the cold floor of their bedroom. "I know you won't. You won't hurt me."

"That's right, Alex. I won't."

"Because – because you love me."

"That's right, Alex. I do. I love you more than I ever thought I could love a person."

Alex started to cry again, almost silently. "You don't want to hurt me."

"No, I don't, and I never will." She swallowed her own tears and held out her hand to Alex, trying to keep her voice strong. This was hurting her so much to see Alex like this, in so much pain and feeling so bad about herself. Olivia just didn't know how to help her. "Sweetie, let's sit back on the bed. It's not very nice on the floor."

Alex shook her head. "I deserve to be on the floor."

"No, baby, you don't." Then Olivia played her trump card, although a voice in the back of her mind told her that she really shouldn't. "I don't want to sit on the floor, but you know what? I really want to be with you right now. I really want to hold you, and know that you're in my arms, and that you're safe and here with me. Can you come sit up here, for me?"

Alex sighed. She dropped her gaze but obediently took Olivia's hand. Olivia smiled slightly and helped Alex onto the bed. She pulled Alex onto her lap and kissed her forehead.

"Is this okay?" she asked quietly.

Alex nodded and leaned back against Olivia, but she still wouldn't meet her girlfriend's eyes.

Olivia caressed Alex's arm with the pad of her thumb. "Alex, I know you're having trouble believing me when I say this, but you are absolutely _perfect _just the way you are. I won't minimize the trauma you've endured by saying you can get "better", but I will be by your side through both the good times and the tough ones, and I will do everything in my power to help you."

Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and didn't say anything.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "I will _never _hurt you," she promised. "Even if you ask me to. Even if you feel like you deserve it. You don't, Alex. You never deserve to be hurt."

"Then why did he hurt me?" Alex asked, her words muffled. "Why did he hurt Oliver and Lily?"

"Because he was a sick man, Lex. But that's his problem, not yours. You did the best you could. He hurt you because he wanted to, because he was an evil man, not because you deserved it."

Alex began to tremble again. "He invited his friends, and let them take their turns. They all hurt me. All of them."

Olivia sighed and tightened her hold on Alex. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart. I wish I'd been there to protect you."

Alex finally looked up. "You were. When they were hurting me, I thought of you, and how I'd give anything to be back here with you. That someday you would find me, and then I'd be safe and you would love me again. That was how I kept going. I could hold on just a little longer, if I would be a little closer to you each time."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "And now you _are _here with me, and you _are_ safe and I _do _love you. I never stopped loving you, baby."

"But how did you know you'd find me? You should have just forgotten me and moved on with your life. You'd be better off."

"I could never forget you, sweetheart, even if I tried. And then I would have never met Lily. I can't even imagine life without her now, and you know I never really lived without you. I _existed_, yes, but a part of me was missing, Lex. And as cheesy as it sounds, that part of me was you."

Alex smiled weakly. "You're right. That does sound cheesy."

"But it's true, Alex. It is absolutely true. I can't imagine ever being without you again. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I love you too much."

Alex dropped her gaze. "I don't know what I'd do without _you_," she admitted.

Olivia rolled onto her back and patted the space beside her. Alex lay down and rested her head on Olivia's stomach, and Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Do you want to try to go back to sleep, baby?" she asked. "I'll hold you if you want me to. I can turn on the music if that will help, too."

Alex looked up at Olivia, her eyes filled with what could only be described as shame. "Will you check the door, and the alarm? Please?"

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Of course, sweetheart. Can you sit up for me?"

Alex pulled herself upright and Olivia went to double check that the door was locked and the alarm was on. After a moment, Alex got up to look in on Lily, to make sure she was still all right. She was sometimes struck by this uncontrollable urge, in the wee hours of the morning when she couldn't sleep, but Olivia assured her that it was perfectly normal for any parent and admitted that she often did the same. That made Alex feel slightly better.

Lily was lying on her side with her arm outstretched and her hair spread out like a halo. Alex noticed that her doll had fallen on the floor and picked it up, gently tucking it into the crook of Lily's arm. "I love you, baby," she whispered, and pressed a kiss to Lily's forehead. Lily sighed in her sleep but didn't stir.

Alex returned to the master bedroom where Olivia was lying on the bed. She held out her arms to Alex and Alex went to her. She snuggled up against Olivia's side and Olivia wrapped her arms around her.

"All clear," Olivia said with a slight smile.

"On my end, too," Alex said quietly. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"It's okay, baby. I'm here for you, no matter what time it is." She held Alex close. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep?"

"I'll try." Alex kissed Olivia's cheek. "Thank you."

Olivia smiled and tenderly rubbed Alex's back, soothing her back to sleep.

**Review for chapter forty-six!**


	46. Chapter 46

**Three cheers for more fluffy family time! The playdate will be in the next chapter. I promise!**

Olivia woke up at 9:30 the next morning, pleasantly surprised to find Alex already awake. She usually didn't sleep this late, and dealing with Lily's early mornings was usually delegated to her. Alex must have still been feeling bad about last night and let Olivia sleep in.

She went to check on Lily, who was pouting as she tidied up her room. "'Morning, Lil," she said with a smile.

"'Morning, Momma," Lily said with an air of resignation. "Mommy said I have to clean my room before Lydia comes."

Olivia chuckled. "That's a good idea, sweetie. I guess I'll leave you to it."

"No! Help me!"

"Can you ask me nicely?"

Lily smiled sweetly. "Momma, may you pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top help me clean my room?"

Olivia smiled. "Since you asked me so nicely, I think I will. How about you do your dolls and I'll put away your crayons? But Lily, it probably isn't a good idea to leave crayons on the floor anyway, because they can get the floor dirty." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "And then Mommy will be mad at us."

Lily giggled. "I don't like it when Mommy's mad at us," she whispered. "Like when you took me out to get ice cream after Mommy said no."

"That's right." Olivia winked. "But are you willing to forego ice cream to make Mommy happy?"

Lily made a face, still laughing. "No!"

Just then, Alex came into the room, smiling. "What are you two laughing about?"

"Ice cream," Olivia said seriously.

"Not right now, I hope. She just had breakfast. And I have Mickey Mouse pancakes and layered yogurt for you if you want some."

"I helped!" Lily said. "I layered the yogurt. We got bananas, strawberries, and blueberries, and Mommy let me put whipped cream and a cherry on top!"

"That sounds yummy," Olivia said. "When we're done tidying your room, I think I'll have some, if my two favourite girls will sit with me."

"Favourite girl number one is in," Alex said, grinning.

"So is favourite girl number two!"

"Then let's finish cleaning your room really quickly so we can eat."

Lily turned to Alex. "Mommy, may you pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top help me clean my room?"

Alex chuckled. "Nice try, sweetie, but that charm of yours doesn't work on me. I already said no."

Lily pouted. "I like Momma best."

"That's because you've got Momma wrapped around your little finger."

Lily shrugged. "Yeah." She threw her last few toys into the dresser drawer. "All done, Momma!"

"Good girl," Olivia said with a smile. "Ready to come sit with me?"

Lily nodded and slipped her hand into Olivia's. They walked together to the kitchen and sat down at the table.

"Breakfast is served, Madame," Alex said with a chuckle as she set a plate of pancakes and yogurt before Olivia.

"Thanks, sweetie," Olivia said, reaching over to give Alex a kiss.

"It's the least I could do after last night," Alex said, too quietly for Lily to hear.

"Alex, did you make me breakfast because you wanted to or because you were feeling guilty about last night? You don't need to feel sorry for that, ever."

"No, I made you breakfast because I wanted to do something nice for you. Sometimes I'm not sure if you realize how much you mean to me, and how lucky I am to have you. Consider this a small token of my gratitude. However, I don't think I actually need a reason to make my girlfriend a nice breakfast."

Olivia smiled, her heart swelling at Alex's words. "Of course you don't. Thank you, baby."

Alex sat down beside Olivia and took her hand. "I made you a nice breakfast because I love you, and that's sometimes what people who love each other do."

Olivia gave Alex's hand a squeeze. "I love you, too, Lex. Forever and always."

Lily looked up at them and recited, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be."

Alex chuckled. "That's right, Lily."

Lily pouted. "You didn't say it back to me."

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be," Alex said with a smile.

Lily nodded, satisfied. "When's Lyddie gonna get here?"

"Soon, baby," Olivia said.

"When's soon?"

Alex pointed to the kitchen clock. "When the little hand is at the eleven and the big hand is on the twelve."

Lily scrunched up her face. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"How come eleven isn't called onety-one?"

Alex smiled. "I don't know, baby. Why don't you ask Ms. Dannenfelt on Monday?"

Lily nodded. "'Kay."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow at Alex. _Good one_, she mouthed.

Alex struck a pose. "Thank you, thank you very much."

Lily giggled. "Elvis is in the building!"

Olivia laughed. "Where did you learn that, baby?"

"Mommy taught me," Lily said. "Elvis did _Are You Lonesome? _and _Heartbreak Hotel_ and _All Shook Up_."

At Olivia's raised eyebrows, Alex just shrugged. "What can I say? I grew up with Elvis. My mom's sweetheart. I swear, she would have left my dad for him in a second."

"Well, my mom was always partial to Johnny Cash –"

"No! Not Johnny Cash! My dad used to walk around the house whistling _A Boy Named Sue_. He sounded like an electric wire during a thunderstorm."

Olivia chuckled. "Just kidding." She kissed Alex's cheek. "That must have been torturous for your young, sensitive ears."

"You have _no _idea."

Lily clapped her hands. "Mommy, do Elvis!"

"Not right now, baby."

"Momma, tell Mommy to do Elvis!"

Olivia glanced at Alex, amusement written all over her face. "Look how manipulative your daughter is, Lex," she teased.

"She's your daughter when she's manipulative, Liv."

Lily crossed her arms. "You guys can do a _duet_."

"We can do _Long Legged Guitar Picking Man _–" Olivia suggested.

"No way!" Alex said, vehemently shaking her head. "My mom absolutely hated that one. When my dad used to sing it, she thought he was talking about her."

"Lex, I met your mom. She's not too far off."

Alex lightly punched Olivia's arm. "That's not nice."

"Oh, please. All's fair in love and war."

"Which is it?" asked Alex with a sly smile.

Olivia leaned forward to meld her lips with Alex's. Their kiss was sweet and tender, but chaste, as Lily was watching. When they broke apart, Olivia smiled warmly at Alex and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Love, of course."

**Review for chapter forty-seven!**


	47. Chapter 47

Lily jumped up from the table when she heard a knock on the door. "I'll get it! I'll get it!"

Alex smiled. "Wait for me, please."

"'Kay, Mommy. We'll get it together!" Lily grabbed her mother's hand and skipped toward the front door, pulling Alex along with her.

Alex threw an amused look over her shoulder at Olivia, who just shrugged and smiled back as she began to clear the plates from the table.

Lily ran into the kitchen a moment later, clutching Lydia's hand. "Look, Momma! Lydia bringed – I mean, Lydia _brought _her Samantha doll. See, she's in her Christmas outfit, the red one? And you know what Lydia told me? Her little brother accidentally pulled Sammy's head off, so her daddy had to put her back together." Lily giggled, then said, somewhat belatedly, "Oh, Lyddie, this is my Momma."

"Hi," Lydia said shyly.

Olivia smiled at her. "It's nice to meet you, Lydia. You can call me Olivia."

"Momma, I'm gonna show Lyddie my room! And we're gonna play school with Sammy and Sara and the Barbies."

"Okay, sweetheart. Mommy and I are here if you need us."

"I know," Lily said dismissively, then to Lydia, "Come on so I can show you my room! Momma and Mommy painted it purple with me and I got a whole other room just for my clothes!"

Olivia smiled as she watched them skip away. She heard Alex enter the room and felt Alex's arm wrap around her shoulders. "Where does she get all that _energy_?" Alex asked, shaking her head.

Olivia shrugged. "Don't look at me. My job is to chase down criminals and I'm having trouble keeping up with our four-year-old!"

Alex smiled. She loved it when Olivia referred to Lily as her own daughter. She knew Olivia truly felt that way, and it made her heart soar every time. "I think that since she was so good and cleaned up her room, she deserves a treat."

Olivia chuckled. "What did you have in mind?"

"I think some chocolate chip cookies are in order. And yes, you may have some too."

"And what did I do to deserve such a treat?"

"You're you," Alex said simply, and kissed Olivia's cheek. "Will you help me?"

"Make cookies?"

"Yes."

"You actually trust me in the kitchen all of a sudden? What brought this on?"

Alex laughed. "I'll supervise you. Very carefully."

* * *

The cookies were ready an hour later, and Olivia went to get Lily and Lydia. She found them dressing up their American Girl dolls in matching outfits, just as content as they had been an hour ago.

Lily looked up when she noticed Olivia and beamed. "Look, Momma. Sammy and Sara are twins! Lyddie brought some of Sammy's outfits so we dressed them both up in blue. See how pretty they are?"

"Very pretty," Olivia said with a smile. "Maybe we should take a picture of them. For posterity."

Lily scrunched up her face. "What's _posterity_?"

"For the future."

"May I please take the picture?"

"Sure, since you asked so nicely." Olivia handed Lily her phone and showed her how to take a picture. "And I think Mommy has something for you and Lydia in the kitchen."

"What?"

"I don't know. Why don't you go see?"

"'Kay. Come on, Lydia!"

Lily grabbed Lydia's hand and pulled her toward the kitchen. Olivia followed, and she sat down at the table across from Lily and Lydia.

Lily gasped in delight when she saw the cookies. "Mommy, you did our names!"

"How do you do that?" Lydia asked shyly.

"You shape the cookie dough into letters," Lily explained. "Like with Play-Doh, like we did at school."

Olivia and Alex had moulded the cookies to spell the girls' names, but Lily quickly realized that something was wrong.

"Mommy, Lydia's name is longer. No fair. She gets five and I only get four."

"Lily, if you can ask me nicely, I made you another one. See, it's a heart cookie." She showed it to Lily, who was appeased.

"I'm sorry, Mommy. May I pretty please have the heart cookie?"

"Yes, you may," Alex said, handing Lily the cookie.

Lily clapped her hands. "It's a heart, 'cause you love me!"

"That's right. I do love you."

"Thank you, Mommy."

Alex smiled. "Thank Momma too, sweetie. She helped."

"Thank you, Momma."

"You're welcome, Lil," Olivia said, then turned to Lydia. "Are they good?"

Lydia nodded. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"You're welcome, Lydia." Olivia gave Lydia a smile. "Did you and Lily play Disney _Sorry! _yet? I know Lily was excited to show it to you."

Lydia nodded again. "And I winned."

"You _won_," Lily corrected her with an air of self-importance.

Olivia and Alex exchanged amused glances and Olivia shrugged almost imperceptibly, as if to say, _This one's yours_.

"Lily," Alex said, not wanting to reprimand Lily in front of her friend. "Will you come here for a moment?"

"Yeah, Mommy?" Lily said, skipping toward Alex.

"Lily, it's not polite to correct your friends' grammar."

"How come? You correct my grammar."

"That's different."

"Why?"

"Because I'm your mother and it's my job to teach you. But it's Lydia's mother's job to teach her, not yours, and it makes Lydia feel embarrassed."

"But I don't get embarrassed when you correct my grammar."

Alex tried very hard not to smile, because Lily was right – but this was a rule of etiquette that it was important for her to follow. "Lily, it just isn't appropriate and I would appreciate if you tried very hard not to correct your friends' grammar."

Lily shrugged. "Okay. Can I finish my cookies now?"

Alex smiled. "Yes, sweetheart. You may finish your cookies now."

Lily grinned. "See, you're correcting my grammar."

Alex just shook her head as Lily sat back down at the table. She stuffed an entire cookie into her mouth and washed it down with a gulp of milk.

Olivia smiled and handed Lily a napkin. "Slow down, cookie monster! The cookies aren't going anywhere."

Lily wiped her mouth. "Sorry, Momma." Then she turned to Lydia. "Lyddie, Mommy said last night we can maybe go to the zoo next weekend. If your parents say it's okay, you can come with."

"To the zoo?"

"Yeah, to the zoo. I never went before!"

"That would be cool." Lydia took a sip of her milk and smiled at Lily. "You know what, Lil? You have the best parents ever!"

**Review for chapter forty-eight!**


	48. Chapter 48

Alex couldn't sleep on Sunday night. She knew that the next morning, Olivia was going to return to work. Olivia seemed certain that Alex would be fine on her own, and they'd mutually decided that Olivia would drop Lily off at school on her way to work and Alex would pick her up. If Alex wanted to, she could sleep until noon.

But Alex was sure that she wouldn't want to. She knew she wouldn't feel safe alone in the apartment if she wasn't awake and alert.

Alex couldn't stop trembling as she lay in Olivia's arms that night. "I don't want you to go tomorrow," she whispered.

Olivia tightened her hold on Alex. "I don't want to leave you, either, baby. Believe me, I wouldn't if I didn't have to. But it's time, and I think you can handle this." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Remember, Lex, I'm just a phone call away. If you need _anything_, I'll drop what I'm doing and come home."

Alex looked away. "That's not fair."

"You being abducted wasn't fair. That monster hurting you wasn't fair. The fact that I have to leave you by yourself when you want me here, and I want to be here, isn't fair."

Alex closed her eyes. "I know."

Olivia stroked Alex's hair. "I believe in you, Alex. You're strong, and I know you can do this. But if you need me, I'll come right home."

"Even if you're in the middle of chasing a perp?"

Olivia smiled. "You're more important than any perp."

Alex nodded and snuggled closer to Olivia. "I'll be okay," she said, more to reassure herself than anything.

"You will be," Olivia agreed.

* * *

Olivia woke Alex the next morning before she left by gently rubbing her back. "Hey, sleepy," she said with a smile when Alex's eyes opened. "It's 8:00. I'm going."

Alex shook her head and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, still half-asleep.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "I have to, baby. But you can call me if you need anything." She gently extricated Alex from her. "I love you, sweetheart."

As soon as Alex heard the door close and footsteps pattering away from their apartment, she got out of bed. She double checked to make sure the doors were locked and the windows were closed, then turned on the alarm. She flipped on the television and kept the volume low, loud enough that she could hear it but quiet enough that she couldn't discern individual words.

Trying to push away her unease, Alex made herself breakfast and ate it silently, her senses on alert, just in case. She spent the better part of the next hour pacing around the apartment, and jumped when she felt a loud vibration. She relaxed slightly when she realized it was just her cell phone and went to check who had called her.

She smiled when she saw that Olivia had sent her a text message. It read, _Hey sweetie, how's it going? Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Call me if you want to. Love you always. xoxo Liv_

Alex smiled again. Olivia was just so sweet.

She pressed 1 on her cell phone, which was Olivia's speed dial number, and let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when Olivia answered. "Hey, you."

"Hi, Liv."

"How's it going?"

Alex glanced around, as if to make sure she was really alone, really safe. "Okay. How's the first day back at the job?" She cringed when she realized how that sounded. "Sorry, bad question."

Olivia laughed a little. "Yeah, just a bit."

"I just wanted to hear your voice," Alex admitted.

Alex could hear Olivia's smile in her voice. "I miss you, baby."

"I miss you, too."

Olivia paused. "You having friends over, Lex?"

Alex was startled. "No. Why?"

"It sounds like someone's there."

Alex blushed. "That's just the TV."

"Oh," Olivia said gently. She hesitated. "I'll be home for dinner, sweetheart. Promise."

Alex nodded, although Olivia couldn't see. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Lex. See you later, okay?"

"Okay. Goodbye, Liv."

"Bye, Alex."

Alex hung up and lay down on the bed, covering her eyes with her hand. She felt the beginnings of a headache starting to form behind her left eye. Why couldn't she just be _normal_? She couldn't even go two hours by herself, without Olivia there to hold her and comfort her and protect her from her pain. She didn't even know if she would be able to walk the eight blocks to pick Lily up from school without having a panic attack.

She lay there for the next ten minutes or so, wondering morbidly what it would be like to be a sociopath. To feel nothing at all instead of feeling things too deeply, so deeply that it hurt. She thought it might be nice, at first, but then she quickly shook off the thought. She remembered what those sociopaths did to women, innocent women as she had once been. Her master must be like that, otherwise how would he have been able to hurt her so badly without feeling any sympathy, any remorse.

Alex closed her eyes, attempting to push away the notion. She wished she didn't have these kinds of intrusive thoughts, just as she wished she didn't have nightmares and flashbacks about what her master had done to her and her children.

Her headache seemed to be increasing in intensity, but she wouldn't take a Motrin. Not that she would be able to anyway – knowing Olivia, she had probably locked up all the medication, even Tylenol. With good intentions, of course, but it was a needless gesture. Alex would never try to overdose on Tylenol. It was one of the slowest, most excruciating ways, and it could take up to 23 hours to destroy her liver, ultimately killing her. She knew because, at her lowest point, she'd meticulously researched ways to kill herself. This would be one of the most painful, and she didn't think she would be able to handle 23 hours of such pain without Olivia by her side. And of course, Olivia would ask her what was wrong, and Alex would tell her, because she wasn't good at keeping things from Olivia, and Olivia would rush her to the hospital and make the doctors save her. In short, Tylenol was no threat.

She meandered to the washroom and searched the cupboard, more out of curiosity than anything. Predictably, there was not a pill bottle in sight, and instead of feeling annoyed, Alex smiled a bit. Olivia loved her, and cared for her more than she even cared for herself at times.

By the time it was time to go pick Lily up from school, Alex was a nervous wreck. She'd bitten the nail of her index finger down so far that it was bleeding, and she got herself a Band-Aid before she left to get Lily.

She reminded herself to take deep breaths and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Take it one step at a time. This was how to stay alive.

**Review for chapter forty-nine!**


	49. Chapter 49

**Wow, I'm almost at chapter fifty! Should I wrap this one up pretty soon because it's dragging on or should I continue? I'm sure I can think up some more adventures for the Cabot-Bensons if there's still interest!**

Alex made it to Lily's school in one piece and clung tightly to her daughter's hand as they walked home together, to ground herself as Lily chattered about an art project they'd done at school, the book they'd read at circle time, the centers she went to with Lydia, the Lego tower she and a boy in her class had built. "Mommy," Lily announced, "I have a boyfriend."

Alex startled out of her reverie. "Really?"

"Yeah, Jackson. We're gonna get married!"

Alex smiled. "When's the wedding?"

"Next week, at recess," Lily said seriously. "Lydia's gonna be the bridesmaid and Sara's gonna be the flower girl."

"Are Momma and I invited?"

Lily shook her head. "No, silly! It's a _school _wedding. You don't get to come to _school_. Just me and my friends."

"Is Ms. Dannenfelt invited?"

Lily considered for a moment. "I guess. She's the recess monitor, so she'll be there anyway." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Mommy, I kissed him!"

Alex's brain was firing. They were _four_. She didn't think this would happen so soon! "Where did you kiss him?"

"On the cheek." Lily beamed. "It was special. Is it like that when you kiss Momma?"

Alex smiled back. "Yes, it is. So tell me about this Jackson, my future son-in-law."

"He's _dreamy_."

Alex almost laughed out loud. "Really. How is he dreamy?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know. But that's what the big girls say about boys they like."

"What big girls?"

"The ones who come in during centers to help out Ms. Dannenfelt. They're always talking about dreamy boys."

"Dreamy means beautiful, sweetie, but you usually use it when you're talking romantically about someone."

"Jackson and I are romantic. He made me a flower in arts and crafts. Look." She fished the flower out of her backpack and showed it to Alex. "Out of pink and purple tissue paper, 'cause those are my favourite colors, and pipe cleaners."

"That was nice of him," Alex said. She was so glad that her daughter had found another friend.

"Mommy, how come some people have a mommy and a daddy but I only have two mommies?"

Alex was prepared for this one. She'd thought about the right way to explain it to Lily and settled on this: "Families come in all shapes and sizes, Lily. Some people have a mommy and a daddy, and some people have two mommies or two daddies, and some people just have one mommy or one daddy. Some people don't have a mommy or a daddy, and those people might live with their grandparents or other friends or relatives."

"How come?"

"Because sometimes something happened to their mommy and daddy."

"Like something happened to Oliver?"

"Yes, like that."

Lily sniffled. "I miss Oliver."

"I know you do, baby. I miss him, too."

"It makes me sad that he's not here."

"It makes me sad, too, sweetie."

Lily squeezed Alex's hand. "But I'm not too sad, 'cause I have you and Momma, and you guys make me happy."

Alex smiled. "You make me very, very happy, too, Lily. You and Momma."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "You make me the happiest times a million, Mommy. No callbacks."

Alex chuckled. "Okay, you win."

Lily beamed. "Is Momma at work now?"

"Yes, she is, sweetie. That's why we're walking home."

"Is she always going to be working?"

"Not always, baby. She'll be home for dinner." Alex lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Do you want to help me make something nice for her for dinner?"

"Like Kraft Dinner?"

Alex laughed. "No, not like Kraft Dinner!"

"Then like what?"

"Well, we can make banana bread for dessert."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "Bread with bananas?"

"Kind of. My mother – your grandmother – gave me her banana bread recipe awhile ago. She used to make me banana bread for my birthday."

"When you were four years old too?"

Alex smiled. "That's right. I helped her sometimes."

"Mommy, where's my grandmother? I never met her, but Lydia's got her grandma and grandpa and her nana."

"She died before you were born, honey."

Lily's face fell. "Like Oliver?"

"Yes, like Oliver."

Lily looked at the ground. "What about Momma's mommy and daddy?"

"Her parents weren't very nice people," Alex said carefully.

"Did her daddy hurt her mommy like the man hurt you?"

Alex was startled. Where had that come from? "Kind of like that, sweetie."

"What about her mommy?"

"She wasn't very nice either."

"And she hurt Momma?"

Alex hesitated, then nodded slightly. "Kind of."

Lily's eyes widened. "How could anyone hurt Momma? She's a police officer, and she's big enough to carry me on her shoulders!"

"She was little, Lily."

"She was little like me?"

"Yes, she was little like you."

"I didn't know mommies could hurt their babies," Lily whispered, and Alex suddenly felt horrible for ruining her childhood innocence. There hadn't been much of it to begin with, and Alex felt guilty for depleting what little was left.

"Sweetie, remember how Momma explained to you about nightmares during the day?"

"Yeah."

"Momma's mother had nightmares during the day sometimes too."

"And that's how come she hurt Momma?"

"Yes."

"Are you gonna hurt me then, when you have nightmares during the day?"

Alex stopped and knelt so they were eye level. "No, Lily. I promise I am never going to hurt you again."

Lily sniffled. "'Kay, Mommy." She held out her arms to her mother. "I love you, Mommy."

"Come here, baby." Alex wrapped Lily up in her arms. "I love you, too. Always."

**Review for chapter fifty!**


	50. Chapter 50

When Olivia walked in the front door, the delicious aroma of banana bread wafted toward her. She inhaled deeply and smiled. The last time Alex had made her banana bread was for her birthday nearly five years ago, and it had been delicious. "I'm home!" she called out. "Where are my princess and my queen?"

"Here!" Lily barrelled into the front hall and jumped into Olivia's arms. "Momma, I made banana bread with Mommy! And I helped her with a salad and we made ravioli! And when I was at school today, I kissed Jackson. He's my boyfriend. He made me a flower and –"

"Whoa, slow down, Lil. You kissed a boy?"

"On his cheek."

Olivia smiled. "That's nice. If you want to invite him over sometime, that would probably be okay."

"Yeah! But Lyddie's coming over this weekend. We're going to the zoo, 'member?"

"That's right." Olivia kissed Lily's forehead. "Where's Mommy?"

"In the kitchen."

Olivia shifted Lily on her hip and carried her to the kitchen, where Alex was setting the table. "Hey, baby. How are you doing?" she asked quietly, leaning forward to kiss Alex's cheek.

Alex's face lit up when she saw Olivia and she wrapped her arms around the detective. Olivia set Lily on the ground and just held Alex for several long moments. Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and leaned into her embrace, enjoying the warmth emanating from her presence as she struggled to hold in her tears. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed Olivia today.

"I love you," she whispered, holding tightly to Olivia.

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "I love you, too, baby."

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Alex clung more tightly to her girlfriend as Olivia started to pull away. "No . . ."

"It's okay, Alex. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Until tomorrow," Alex said weakly, but she let go of Olivia. "You locked up my Motrin."

"Yeah." Olivia held her gaze. "Are you mad at me?"

"No. I know why – and I know I haven't been very trustworthy –"

"It's not about trust, Alex. It's about your safety. I wouldn't be able to handle it if anything happened to you, ever."

"I know."

She looked so sad, so resigned, that Olivia wrapped her arms around her again. "Did you have an okay day, baby?"

Alex melted against her and whispered, "I was all right."

"That's good. I'm proud of you." Olivia gave Alex a kiss and attempted to lighten the mood. "And I see you made me banana bread!"

"It's not _just _for you, my greedy one," Alex said, smiling slightly. "Lily never had it before."

"So she gets the first piece. Got it."

"That's right." Alex tried to smile. "Did Lily tell you about her wedding?"

"She got _married_? She's four!"

"No. The wedding's next week."

"Well, I think it wouldn't be such a good thing if our daughter got married before us."

Insecurity ghosted across Alex's features. "Really?"

"Really what?"

"Really, you want to marry me still, someday?"

Olivia's expression softened. "Of course. I thought that was the logical step after living together with a child."

Alex smiled weakly and leaned into Olivia. "I think that's usually the logical step _before _living together with a child."

"Oh, yeah."

Alex stepped back and took a deep breath to compose herself. "Dinner?"

Olivia smiled. "Definitely. It smells delicious."

Alex regarded her suspiciously. "What do you want?"

Olivia raised her hands in mock surrender. "Hey, that was a compliment! But I'll take it back if that makes you feel better."

"Go get Lily for dinner."

"Yes, boss."

* * *

As the days went by, Alex's anxiety about staying by herself decreased. She still clung to Olivia every day when she got home and didn't want to leave her side, but she had gotten to the point where she didn't need the television on to feel safe, and she could handle doing small tasks in the morning instead of just staring at the door and pacing. On Thursday, she'd asked Olivia to pick up some brightly coloured fabric on her way home from work, and on Friday morning, she set to work sewing a dress for Lily's doll. Lily had had a really good week and Alex thought that it might be a nice surprise for her. As if that doll didn't have way too many clothes already.

Three hours, multiple pinpricks, and eight Band-Aids later, Alex had finished. The light blue dress she'd sewed was . . . passable. Not perfect, but Lily wouldn't notice anyway.

Sure enough, when she got home from school and Alex handed her the doll outfit, Lily's eyes widened in amazement. "Mommy, you made Sara a dress!"

"Yes, sweetie, I did. Do you like it?"

"I love it! Thank you, Mommy!" Lily gave Alex a hug, then raced toward her bedroom, calling over her shoulder, "I'm gonna dress Sara up in it!"

Alex smiled. "Okay. Do you want Wacky Mac for lunch?"

"Yay! Wacky Mac!"

"Does Sara want some too?"

"Yeah. Sara likes Wacky Mac."

"Okay, sweetheart. It'll be ready when the clock says 12:30."

"Okay, Mommy. Thank you very much for making Sara her dress."

"My pleasure, Lily."

**Review for chapter fifty-one!**


	51. Chapter 51

When Olivia walked in the front door after work, she was met by a whirl of energy. "Momma!" Lily cried, jumping into Olivia's arms. "Look what Mommy made me!" She held up the outfit that Alex had painstakingly sewn for her American Girl doll. "It's for Sara. It's her party dress."

"Wow. That's really good, honey." She raised an eyebrow in amusement. "You must have been really bored," she said to Alex, who had come up behind Lily.

Alex rolled her eyes. "Don't start." She held up her bandaged fingers. "I must have poked myself a hundred times with that damn needle. I'm not a housewife, Liv, so don't even –"

"Mommy!" Lily giggled. "You said a bad word! You owe me a dollar."

Alex chuckled. "My little entrepreneur."

"Hey, Alex, you only have yourself to blame for that one."

Olivia held out her arms and Alex leaned into her embrace, glad that Olivia understood her need for comfort and reassurance, to know that she wasn't alone and that she really was okay.

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. She hated how clingy she became after being by herself for most of the day, but at times like this, she needed Olivia, and Olivia seemed to know that instinctively. "I'm proud of you," Olivia said quietly, kissing the crown of her head.

"Because I sewed such a pretty dress?"

Olivia grinned. "You give yourself too much credit." Her tone became more serious. "No, because I know this week was very difficult for you, but you dealt with it admirably."

Alex wrapped her arms more tightly around Olivia. "I missed you," she whispered, turning her head away in shame.

Olivia gave her another kiss. "I missed you too."

Alex looked at the ground. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You were okay, Alex, and I really am proud of you."

"No, I –" Alex stopped. She let go of Olivia and turned to sit on the couch instead. "I'm an adult. I shouldn't need you so much," she said quietly, keeping her eyes on the ground.

Almost instantaneously, she felt warm arms enveloping her and the couch shift with Olivia's weight. Olivia held her close. "Alex, it's all right. You don't need to worry. If you need me, I'm here, and I will be here for you always. There's nothing wrong with that."

"But I used to be so independent. _That's _the woman you fell in love with."

"Sweetheart, I fell in love with _you_, for all of you. Independence isn't not needing anybody. Independence is being brave enough to ask when you do."

Alex sighed and gave up the fight. She relinquished herself, body and mind to Olivia's secure embrace and soothing words.

* * *

It was Saturday morning and Alex, Olivia, Lily, Lydia, and their dolls were on their way to the zoo. Lily and Lydia were singing _The Wheels On The Bus _for the hundredth time, even though Olivia had continually pointed out that they weren't _on _a bus.

When they arrived, Alex told Lily and Lydia that they had to leave their dolls in the car. "But Mommy," Lily protested, pouting, "Sara wants to see the elephants!"

Olivia came to the rescue. "Do you know what, Lily? I brought the camera. How about we take some pictures for Sara and Samantha?"

Lily considered. "May I please take the pictures?"

"You can take a couple. Ready to go now?"

Lily buckled Sara into her booster seat and slipped her hand into Olivia's. "Ready."

The four of them started toward the zoo entrance to pay for admission. Once they were inside, Lily wanted to see everything all at once.

"Momma, I want to go see the elephants – wait, no, what's that?"

"Those are polar bears, Lily."

"I want to go see the polar bears!"

Olivia turned to Lydia. "What do you want to go see, Lydia?"

"I want to go see the polar bears too, please," Lydia said shyly.

"Mommy, what are they?" Lily asked, pointing as they started toward the polar bears.

"They're giraffes, Lily."

"They're so _tall_!"

Suddenly, a sharp scent assaulted Olivia. Cigarette smoke – oh, no. Alex. The zoo was supposed to be a non-smoking environment.

Olivia glanced at Alex, who had clenched her hands into fists and was rocking slightly on her heels, breathing hard. She tried to assess the situation and whether they were going to need to leave, and how she would explain it to Lydia if they did. "Alex," she said quietly, "are you okay?"

Alex reached out and took Olivia's hand, squeezing it tightly to ground herself. "Zoo," she murmured to herself. "Giraffes. Lily, Lydia, blue, Central Park –"

"Alex?" Olivia had no idea what she was talking about.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."

"Mommy?" Lily said. "Mommy, what's wrong?"

Alex took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Her breathing slowly returned to normal and she unclenched her fists. She smiled weakly, focusing on Lily and taking her daughter's hand. "Nothing, sweetheart. Let's go see the polar bears."

**Review for chapter fifty-two!**


	52. Chapter 52

The rest of the zoo trip went smoothly, and Lily fell asleep on the car ride home. Once Lydia had been dropped off at her apartment and Olivia had tucked Lily into bed, she went back to the living room to find Alex curled up on her side and crying softly.

Olivia immediately sat down beside Alex and took her into her arms. Alex didn't pull away. Her body went limp and she relaxed into Olivia, soaking Olivia's shirt with her tears.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Baby, please tell me what's wrong."

Alex began to cry harder. "I'm sorry. I know you're tired of this."

"Sweetie, I just want you to tell me what's wrong and how I can help you. That's all."

"You must – you must think I'm so weak."

"No, Alex. I don't think that at all." Olivia was genuinely surprised. "Actually, I came in here to tell you how proud I am of you for handling yourself so well today. I know it was extremely difficult for you to do that, but you did, and that's a step forward."

Alex shook her head. "No – I fell apart. Lily –"

"It was upsetting, Alex, and I understand. But you pulled yourself out of it quickly and held it together for Lily. You did so well today, baby, and I love you so much."

Alex curled further into Olivia. "Olivia –"

"Yes, sweetie?"

Alex buried her face in Olivia's chest. "Olivia," was all she could say.

Olivia held her tightly. "Go on and cry if you need to, baby. I've got you."

Alex's body began to shake with the force of her sobs, and Olivia gently rubbed her back until her tears started to subside. Olivia kissed the crown of her head and tenderly brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead.

"I love you, Lex," she said quietly.

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia. "I love you, too." She wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, sweetie." Olivia brushed away the remnants of her tears. "You did really well today. Really."

Alex nodded. "Thank you," she whispered, finding Olivia's hand and squeezing it tightly.

Olivia smiled. "Anytime."

* * *

On Monday after school, Lily brought home a bunch of beginning-of-year forms, and Olivia and Alex realized she hadn't been immunized. To go to school, she would need to get eleven vaccinations, or else the school was within their rights to suspend her indefinitely and there would be nothing Alex could do about it.

"I'll ask Dr. Lennox for a recommendation for a paediatrician for Lily," Olivia said. "She'll need her shots before next week."

Alex winced. "She's never had a needle before. She's probably going to throw a fit."

"We'll put numbing cream on her so it won't hurt so much."

"Still, seeing a sharp object she's never seen before coming at her . . ." Alex shuddered.

"I know you don't like needles, Lex, but I think Lily will be fine. If you like, I can take her and you can stay home."

"No, she's going to want both of us there."

"Okay. I'll talk to Dr. Lennox, then."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "In that case, I guess I'll explain it to Lily."

* * *

The next morning after school, Alex explained to Lily that she was going to have to get her vaccinations. "The needles contain medicine which will keep your body healthy," she said. "And you need to be healthy to go to school, because Ms. Dannenfelt wants to make sure you won't get the other kids sick."

Lily scrunched up her face. "But I'm not sick. I feel good."

"The vaccines make sure you won't get very sick, ever."

"Then why do I need them now?"

"Because if you don't have a vaccine, you can get very sick, and then you wouldn't be able to go to school. But do you know what? Dr. Lennox has a friend who will do the vaccines for you, and she says you can bring Sara with."

"Will you and Momma be there?"

"We'll both be there with you."

"Will it hurt?"

"No, because Momma bought us some cream I can put on your arm where the needles go in. It's magic cream and it makes it so that the needles don't hurt?"

"Magic cream? Really?"

Alex nodded.

"Cool!"

"The doctor is probably going to ask you some questions, too. About school, maybe, and your friends, and what you like to do."

"So kind of like Dr. Lennox. I can tell her about Lydia!"

"Kind of like Dr. Lennox, but she's also going to want to examine your body to make sure you're healthy. She'll measure you, and she'll have you read some letters to see if your eyes are okay, and she'll have you put on headphones and test your hearing. She'll take your blood pressure and listen to your heartbeat – none of that will hurt."

Lily nodded. "Okay. And I can bring Sara?"

"Of course."

"Will the doctor look at her too?"

Alex smiled. "Maybe. You should prepare Sara for that, too, just in case."

Lily beamed.

**Review for chapter fifty-three!**


	53. Chapter 53

On Saturday morning, it was time for Lily's doctor appointment. Lily dressed up her doll in the dress Alex had made for her and chattered the whole way to the doctor's office. Olivia had applied the numbing cream so the needles wouldn't hurt, and Lily was fascinated by the "magic cream".

They sat in the waiting room, Lily happily coloring in her princess coloring book under her parents' watchful eyes. Several moments later, the receptionist called Lily's name and told Alex and Olivia to take her to room three.

Lily immediately jumped on the padded table in the room. "Cool! But how come there's paper here?"

"To keep the table clean," Alex explained.

"Can Sara sit up here with me?"

"Of course."

A minute later, a tall woman with strawberry blonde hair and glasses came into the room and introduced herself as Dr. Quinlin. "And you must be Lily," she said, giving Lily a smile.

Lily smiled back. "Yup! And this is my baby. She's Sara. See her dress? Mommy made it for me. Isn't it pretty?"

"It's very pretty," Dr. Quinlin agreed. "How old are you, Lily?"

"Four and a half," Lily said with an air of self-importance.

"So you're in kindergarten, right?"

"JK."

"Do you like school?"

"Yeah. I only get to go in the mornings, but Mommy says when I'm bigger I get to go all day. I have a best friend at school – her name's Lydia and she's got a 'Merican Girl doll too – two actually, Nellie and Samantha, 'cause they're best friends. And on Tuesdays, we get to go to the library!"

"You like reading?"

"Yeah. My favourite's _A Little Princess_. Mommy read that one to me, and I named Sara after Sara Crewe in that one."

"Wow." Dr. Quinlin was suitably impressed. "So, Lily, do you see the scale over there? Can you stand on it for me, please?"

"How come?"

"It's going to tell you how much you weigh so I can make sure you're healthy."

Lily nodded and obediently walked over to the scale. "Am I healthy?"

Dr. Quinlin checked the scale. "You're perfectly healthy. Now we're going to see how tall you are. Can you stand in front of the measuring tape on the wall and stay very still?"

Lily stood against the measuring tape. "How tall am I?"

"You are three feet and two inches. Normal again."

Lily beamed. "Can I measure Sara?"

"Sure. Stand her up against the wall like you did."

Lily stood her doll against the wall. "She's eighteen inches tall, 'pparently."

Dr. Quinlin smiled. "Sara's healthy, too, then."

Lily nodded, satisfied.

"Okay, Lily. Now I'm going to listen to your heartbeat. Can you take off your shirt for me?"

Lily shook her head, pulling her shirt more tightly around herself. "No! Mommy says I never have to take my clothes off for anyone if I'm not comfortable, and I'm not comfortable."

Dr. Quinlin knelt so they were eye level. "Why aren't you comfortable, Lily?"

Lily ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist and burying her face in Alex's shirt. "Don't hurt me. Mommy, don't let her hurt me!"

"Lily, it's not going to hurt. Look." Dr. Quinlin held up the stethoscope. "I'm just going to listen to your heart. It goes on your chest, right here." She showed Lily on her own chest. "It might feel a bit cold, but I promise it won't hurt."

"No! Mommy, no, don't let her hurt me!"

"Lily, Dr. Quinlin isn't going to hurt you." Alex looked into Lily's eyes. "Sweetie, it's okay to take your shirt off for a doctor if Momma and I are here. Dr. Quinlin just needs to make sure you're healthy. She won't hurt you, and Momma and I are right here. We won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Lily," Olivia said, "how about Dr. Quinlin examines Sara first? To make sure Sara's healthy, and then she can examine you."

Lily hugged her doll to her chest and began to cry. "No! Don't hurt my baby! Mommy!"

Alex sighed, realizing they weren't going to get anywhere right now. "It's okay, baby," she said quietly, lifting Lily into her arms and gently rubbing her back. "Nobody's going to hurt you."

Lily wrapped her arms around her mother's neck. "I want to go home," she whimpered.

Alex kissed her forehead. "We're going, sweetie."

Olivia handed Alex the car keys and spoke quietly. "You take her down to the car. I'll meet you in a few minutes."

Alex nodded, keeping a hand on the small of Lily's back both to stabilize and to soothe her. "It's okay, Lily. We're leaving." She felt Lily's hold tighten, and she carried her trembling daughter to the car. She sat Lily down in the back seat and sat down beside her. She waited until Lily was slightly calmer before saying quietly, "I know that really upset you, sweetheart. Can you tell me why?"

Lily squeezed her doll tightly. "I don't want her to hurt me."

"She wasn't going to, baby."

"Then how come she said take my clothes off? That's what the man said."

Alex sighed. "Lily, when Momma and I give you baths, you have to take your clothes off, right?"

Lily nodded.

"Being at the doctor's is kind of the same thing. Sometimes you have to take off your shirt so Dr. Quinlin can listen to your heart, and that's okay."

"But I don't know her, and you said never listen to strangers when they say do something."

"Everyone's a stranger before you get to know them. Ms. Dannenfelt was a stranger before you got to know her."

"That's different. She's my _teacher_," Lily said as if Alex was an idiot.

"And Dr. Quinlin is your doctor. Doctors rank right up there with teachers, sweetie. Doctors help keep you safe, and they make sure you don't get sick."

Lily turned her head away from Alex. "I don't care. I want Momma."

"Momma will be here in a few minutes. She's talking to Dr. Quinlin."

Lily began to cry again. "No, don't let her hurt Momma!"

"Sweetheart, nobody's going to hurt Momma."

"But she said take off my clothes, and that's what the man said to you, and he hurted you – I want Momma!"

Alex sighed, abandoning her explanation. Lily wasn't going to understand right now anyway, when she was in such an anxious state. "Come here, baby," she said quietly, and when Lily crawled onto her lap, she just held her daughter close. It was all she could do.

* * *

Lily fell asleep within minutes, and Olivia returned a few moments later, looking exhausted. Alex buckled Lily into her booster seat and tucked her doll under her arm before going to sit in the passenger seat beside Olivia. "Are you okay?" she asked Olivia.

Olivia nodded toward Lily. "I'm fine. How's she doing?"

"She's all right, I think."

"What was that all about?"

"What?"

"Alex . . ."

Alex looked away and didn't answer. She spent the car ride staring out the window, and fortunately, Olivia didn't press.

"She's still going to need her shots," Olivia said suddenly, breaking the silence.

"Not today."

"No, of course not today. Next week?"

"Maybe."

"I'll talk to Dr. Lennox, see what she recommends. Maybe she can write a note for Lily so she can keep going to school for now. I know she needs to get vaccinated, but I think the school will understand."

Alex still wouldn't meet her eyes.

Olivia reached out and took Alex's hand, gently caressing it with the pad of her thumb. "Baby, is there something you want to tell me?"

Alex blinked back the tears rushing to her eyes at the tenderness of Olivia's voice and the warmth of Olivia's hand in hers. She shook her head, ashamed of the secret she still had to keep, when all she wanted was to break down in Olivia's arms and tell her everything. But she knew she couldn't do that.

**Review for chapter fifty-four!**


	54. Chapter 54

When Lily awoke, she clung silently to Alex and wailed when Alex tried to extricate Lily from her hold on her leg. "Baby, give me a second. I want to change my clothes."

Lily shook her head vigorously and tightened her hold on Alex's leg.

Alex lifted Lily up and set her down on the bed. "You can stay right here. I'm not going anywhere. I just want to put on a t-shirt. You can watch me."

Lily starting trembling as soon as Alex walked away from her, and didn't stop shaking until Alex scooped her up in her arms again.

"There, sweetie. Was that so bad?"

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth and wrapped her arms around Alex's neck.

Alex kissed her forehead and carried Lily into the family room. She sat down on the couch and Lily curled up against Alex's side. "Do you want me to put on a movie?"

Lily shook her head and rested her head in Alex's lap, still sucking her thumb. This time, Alex didn't say anything about it.

Olivia came into the room a moment later, having just got off the phone with Dr. Lennox after apprising her of the situation. She sat down beside Alex and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders.

Lily started to tremble again and curled closer to Alex.

Alex gently rubbed her back. "It's okay, sweetie. It's just Momma."

Lily shook her head and buried her head in Alex's chest, refusing to look at either of them.

Olivia just sat there, watching. Lily was acting so much like Alex had at the very beginning, as if she'd been traumatized all over again. "I'll go get you a sweater, Lily," she said finally, feeling almost as though she was an outsider, intruding upon a private family moment.

Alex sat Lily up on her lap and looked into her daughter's eyes. "Lily, what's wrong?"

Lily didn't answer, instead curling closer to Alex.

Alex sighed and rubbed Lily's arms to warm them up. "Baby, you're freezing. Do you have a fever?" She pressed her lips to Lily's forehead, but it didn't feel warm at all.

Olivia returned a moment later with a sweater and a blanket. "I'll go start dinner," she said quietly to Alex. "Grilled cheese?" It was one of Lily's favourite foods, and Olivia hoped it would make Lily feel a bit better.

Alex nodded almost imperceptibly. "Lift your arms, sweetie," she said to Lily, and when Lily didn't obey, Alex gently raised Lily's limp arms for her. She pulled the sweater over Lily's head and wrapped her still trembling daughter up in the blanket Olivia had brought them. "Lily, is Sara hungry? Is she going to have some of your grilled cheese?"

Lily shook her head and wrapped her arms more tightly around her doll, leaning back against Alex.

"Did she have a big lunch?"

Lily still wouldn't answer.

Alex was starting to grow very concerned, but she tried not to show it. She didn't want to scare Lily. "Do you want to play _Sorry!_?"

Lily didn't respond.

Alex sighed. She gave up and just held Lily until Olivia announced that dinner was ready.

Lily wouldn't let go of Alex and started crying when Alex tried to sit her down in her own seat. Alex finally abandoned the effort and let Lily sit on her lap, even though it made it difficult for her to eat.

Lily picked at her food for a few moments before pushing it away and curling up against Alex's chest. Alex and Olivia exchanged glances across the table. Olivia's gaze was questioning, and Alex mouthed, _Later_. Olivia nodded and silently cleared off the table, leaving Alex to deal with her shadow.

Alex lifted Lily onto her hip. "Come on, baby. I'll read you a story before bed." She knew it wouldn't be a good idea to give Lily a bath right now, even though she usually bathed before bed. It wasn't the end of the world.

Lily stuck her thumb in her mouth and rested her head on Alex's shoulder.

Alex carried Lily to her room and changed Lily into her pajamas, growing more worried every minute. Lily knew how to dress herself and generally refused all assistance, asserting her independence whenever she could. Tonight, her listlessness was terrifying Alex.

Alex picked out one of Lily's favourite picture books and lay down beside her on the bed. Lily immediately snuggled up against her side, still sucking her thumb as Alex started to read.

Alex read three stories to Lily and tucked her into bed. "Goodnight, sweetheart," she said, kissing Lily's forehead. "I love you."

But the second Alex moved away from her, Lily starting screaming. She held out her arms to her mother, crying like she was an infant in desperate need of her mother's touch.

Alex sighed. "Okay, baby. Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?"

Lily held her arms out again in response.

"Okay, but just for tonight."

Alex carried Lily into her bedroom, and Lily immediately quieted as Alex's warm arms wrapped around her. Alex tucked Lily into the center of their bed before lying down beside her. Lily whimpered when Alex let go of her briefly and Alex quickly took Lily into her arms again.

"It's okay, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere."

It took thirty minutes, but Lily finally managed to fall asleep. Alex debated extricating herself from her daughter and going to find Olivia, but she knew if Lily awoke and found herself alone, she would be terrified. So Alex stayed put, gently rubbing Lily's back, for her own comfort just as much as Lily's.

Moments later, Olivia came into the bedroom and lay down on Lily's other side. "How's she doing?" she asked Alex, brushing Lily's hair back from her forehead. Lily didn't stir.

Alex closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Liv. I honestly don't know what triggered her."

"Alex, I know you do. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine. It's your choice. But don't lie to me."

Alex's eyes flashed dangerously. "Leave it alone, Olivia."

"I will if you want me to, Alex, but Lily is my daughter too, and I want to help her just as much as you do. But I can't do that if I don't know the whole story. I know what she saw, and I know that she's been hurt a lot by that monster, but I don't think that what you've told me really explains her reaction today. If you don't want to tell me, I can't force you, but don't tell me you don't know."

"Fine. It's my fault, okay? It's my fault."

Olivia's tone softened. "Why do you think this is your fault, baby?"

"My master punished her because I wasn't good enough."

"What happened, Alex?"

Alex took a deep breath. "He told me to give him oral sex," she said bluntly. "He had his gun – he said he'd hurt Lily if I didn't. So I – I tried, I did, but he couldn't – he couldn't – you know." She looked away. "He said I wasn't good enough, and if I couldn't do it properly, Lily was going to have to. He said she was going to have to learn anyway, and maybe she'd make him good money in a few years if she could do it well enough." She swallowed hard. "He put me in the closet, and Lily was crying for me, saying she didn't want to and to let go of her, _Mommy, Mommy, Mommy_, and I couldn't do anything. She must have, I don't know, bit him or did something wrong because I could hear him smack her and then he let me out, and she was screaming and her cheek was all red and he said I was going to have to be punished, and he told Lily it was her fault."

Silent tears began to make their way down Alex's cheeks. "He told me to spread my legs, and then he made me beg for him, to rape me. Then he did. With his pistol. I was so scared he was going to press it, and Lily was crying, and I know I was scaring her, but it just hurt so much! Then he took it out, pointed it at me, and I was so scared, I thought he was going to shoot me, and Lily – she knocked him out of the way. I'm not sure if she meant to, but she did, and maybe she saved my life."

Alex started to really cry then, heaving sobs that shook her whole body. "He told her to take off her clothes. She said – she was just a baby, she didn't know better – she said no, she wouldn't. He was so angry. He pulled her clothes off and whipped her, with the bullwhip, until she was screaming. I tried, I tried to stop him. God, I knew how much it hurt, I didn't want my baby to go through that! I begged, I did everything I could to stop him from hurting her, but it just wasn't enough. I was so scared he was going to kill her. He hurt her so badly, and there was nothing I could do. He tied me up and he wouldn't let me go to her, even when she cried. She thought – she must have thought the doctor was going to whip her, and hurt me, like my master did." Alex lowered her head in shame. "It's my fault," she repeated.

"Alex," Olivia said softly, reaching out to take Alex's hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze. "That was _not _your fault. It absolutely wasn't. There was absolutely nothing else you could have done. I'm sorry that happened to you, and to Lily, but please don't blame yourself for it. It wasn't your fault, and I don't like seeing you blame yourself for something you couldn't help."

"She's my _daughter_. I should be able to protect her."

"Alex, what happened to the two of you was out of your control. It was a horrible thing, but it wasn't your fault."

"But –"

"Alex, I'm not going to debate this with you. I've said my piece, and it's your choice whether you want to discount it or listen to it."

Alex turned away. "I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed, realizing she'd spoken too harshly. "Do you think she'll be okay in the morning?" she asked gently, nodding her head toward Lily.

Alex shrugged, absently stroking her daughter's hair. "I'm not sure."

"Alex – you're doing fine."

Alex smiled weakly and squeezed Olivia's hand. "Thanks, Liv. I needed to hear that."

Olivia gave her a kiss. "I know."

Alex sighed. "I don't know what I can do for her, Liv. I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of?"

"That she won't feel safe here, with us, in our world. How can she, when all she's ever known is pain?"

Olivia caressed Alex's cheek. "And love."

"Oh, Liv, not really."

"You love her, Alex, more than anything. I see that every day. She knows it, too, I promise."

"It was selfish of me, all of it. I just – you don't know what it's like to go so long without being touched, tenderly, gently, ever. To flinch every time someone raises their hand because you think they're going to hit you. I couldn't let that happen to Lily, but she gave me what I needed to. She hugged me, she gave me kisses, she curled up beside me. I needed that just as much as she did. I needed to remind myself that not all touch was bad – I'd gone nine months just being hit, never being hugged or held or kissed. Liv, I tried to make Lily you. She was just a child, she couldn't do that for me . . . I shouldn't have expected it from her."

"Alex, no matter what, you've done well with her, the best you could have. She's a sweet, brilliant, friendly, polite, funny, happy child. For the most part. What more can we ask for?"

"I don't know, a non-traumatized child?"

"You don't mean that. What happened, happened, and we can't change it."

"I know, Olivia. You don't need to talk down to me."

Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry, Alex. What do you need right now?"

Alex lowered her eyes. "Hug me?"

"Of course." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and didn't let go.

**Review for chapter fifty-five!**


	55. Chapter 55

**I know this is kind of a filler chapter, but you'll see in the next chapter (or the chapter after) where I'm going with it. Sorry for the late update. I'll try to get the next one up soon.**

Alex woke up in the night, disoriented and breathing hard. It took her a moment before she remembered what had woken her, and then the nightmare she'd had flooded back into her consciousness. She closed her eyes and lay back down against her pillow, wanting to wake Olivia, needing the comfort right now but knowing she shouldn't disturb Olivia's seemingly peaceful slumber. Instead, she moved closer to her girlfriend, wistfully caressing Olivia's cheek and kissing her forehead. Giving Olivia the comfort she herself craved was enough, for the moment.

Olivia opened her eyes at the feather light touch of Alex's lips against her forehead. "You okay, baby?" she asked quietly, immediately alert.

Alex looked away sheepishly. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Alex blushed. It seemed so trivial now, now that she was here with the two people who meant the most to her. She was safe, and she knew that. She shouldn't have woken Olivia.

"What was it about, sweetie?"

Alex shrugged, still refusing to meet Olivia's eyes. "It wasn't so bad. I mean, comparatively. It just hurt more. That's all. I shouldn't –"

"Alex, I'm sorry, but you lost me. Why don't you start at the beginning?"

Alex shook her head. "It's silly."

"You're hurting, Alex, and that's not silly at all. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'm here to listen if you do."

Alex scooted toward Olivia's outstretched arm and curled up against her side, careful not to disturb Lily, who was still asleep. "There was this one time – my master – he was – he raped me, but that one time, he was almost _tender_. As if he thought he was really making love to me. I don't know what brought it on. I was in the closet and he suddenly opened it and grabbed my leash, pulled me up on the bed, but not harshly like he usually did. There was just something different about his touch. He lay me down and started touching me, all over, gently, saying that I was such a good girl, his good little pet."

Alex shuddered. "He told me I was _beautiful_. Like – like foreplay. It was so – I just didn't know what to expect. It was scary, even worse than when he hurt me. I was used to that, but not this – I'd forgotten. He was touching me everywhere, so tenderly, and I just – I closed my eyes, I pretended it was you, and before he was even inside me I was crying, and it was the first time he even treated me like I was anything more than an inanimate object whose sole purpose was to give him pleasure. He brushed my hair back from my forehead, wiped at my tears, said, 'Shh, pet, we're almost done.' Then he raped me, but he was trying to be gentle, and it wasn't as bad, but it was worse because – because – I didn't want to, I really didn't mean to, but I – I came." Alex lowered her eyes in shame and pulled away from Olivia. "I tried so hard not to. I know it was wrong."

Olivia paused for a moment, blinking back her own tears at what Alex had endured, and the guilt and confusion she felt because of what had been done to her. She just didn't know what to say. Finally, she just wrapped her arms around Alex, and Alex let herself be held.

"It wasn't your fault," Olivia said after several long moments.

Alex shook her head. "I _climaxed_, Olivia. While he was _raping _me."

"_Raping _being the operative word. Alex, I know you didn't enjoy it. The body sometimes reacts, and that isn't your fault. You know that, baby."

"But it didn't feel like that. It felt like I was cheating on you."

"Did you want to cheat on me?"

"Of course not! I would never cheat on you, Liv. No one has ever treated me as well as you do, or made me feel so much with just a look, a touch, a word. No one has ever loved me like you do and I would never want anything more."

"Then there's your answer, Lex. You weren't cheating on me. I don't feel that way at all. You were _raped_, and that was never and could never be your fault."

Alex sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm being silly. It doesn't make sense."

"Don't be sorry, sweetie. I understand."

Alex turned onto her side, and Olivia wrapped her arms around her. "That's why I don't think I'll be able to let you make love to me. I'll just keep feeling _him_, even when you're so gentle with me. I'm sorry, Liv. I know you want to make love, but –"

"That's okay, Alex. I don't expect you to. We can wait until you're ready, take it one day at a time. I'm perfectly fine with that."

Alex curled closer to Olivia. "I love you so much," she whispered, tracing the outline of Olivia's jaw.

Olivia smiled and kissed her forehead. "I love you, too, baby. And it may not seem like it right now, but we're going to be okay."

* * *

The next morning, Alex awoke to find Lily curled up against her side, one arm splayed over Alex's stomach. She was whimpering in her sleep, her fists clenched tightly in her sleep.

Olivia was still sleeping, and Alex didn't want to wake her. "Lily," she said quietly so only her daughter could hear. "Lily." When Lily opened her eyes, Alex said gently, trying to do for her daughter what Olivia had always done for her, "Good morning, sweetheart."

Lily began to cry at Alex's words, and Alex was momentarily daunted, unsure what she had said wrong. She tried to soothe her daughter's tears, taking Lily into her arms and brushing the moisture from her eyes, hushing her and rocking her back and forth. Lily, however, would not be consoled. She clung to Alex and kept crying, and she still didn't say a word.

"Lily," Alex tried again, attempting not to wake Olivia. "Would you like some breakfast? I can make you chocolate chip banana pancakes, or banana crunch, or cereal with bananas . . . or banana bread, or a banana smoothie." This, she hoped, would coax a smile from Lily. But it didn't.

Alex lifted Lily up and carried her to the kitchen. Her daughter was limp in her arms, allowing herself to be carried without putting up a fuss. Alex was terrified.

She set Lily down in her chair and sat down beside her. "Lily, tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment for you with Dr. Lennox."

Lily's eyes went wide with fear and she vehemently shook her head. She began to cry again, her body convulsing with her terror.

Alex reached out to rub her daughter's back. "What's wrong, baby? You know Dr. Lennox. She has Barbies, remember? You saw her last week, and the week before, and the week before that . . . what's wrong?"

Predictably, Lily didn't answer, and Alex sighed.

"Would you like Cap'n Crunch this morning, sweetie?" This was a treat – Alex very rarely let Lily have sugary cereals for breakfast.

Lily shook her head.

"Lily, can you say something to me?"

Lily shook her head again. She got up from the table and went to her room, lying down on her bed and hugging her doll to her chest.

Alex followed her. "Baby, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

Of course, Lily couldn't or wouldn't respond. It was all Alex could do not to burst into tears herself. She didn't know how to help Lily, and she hated this feeling of helplessness.

**Review for chapter fifty-six!**


	56. Chapter 56

Alex stood in front of the bathroom mirror that night, after Lily was settled in the master bedroom and had fallen asleep. She traced her scars with her hands, forcing herself to stare at the grotesque marks covering her body. She didn't even notice the tears running down her cheeks as her hand trailed down her abdomen, to the scars between her legs.

She flinched when she saw Olivia come up behind her and felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Come to bed, Alex," Olivia said quietly. "It's okay."

Alex silently took Olivia's hand and let her girlfriend lead her to bed. She bowed her head in shame as she felt Olivia's warm arms wrap around her and a kiss pressed to the back of her neck.

"It's okay, baby," Olivia said again, brushing Alex's tears from her eyes. Then, "I love you."

Alex lowered her eyes and changed the subject, trying to keep her voice strong. "Do you think we should send Lily to school tomorrow?"

Olivia sighed. "Maybe Lydia will coax her out of her shell?"

Alex shrugged. "I suppose it's possible."

"Do I want to send her to school? Honestly, no. I want to take the day off work and spend some time with her, play Barbies and _Sorry_! and whatever she wants. But that's not reasonable. So yes, I think we should send her to school."

Alex's hands drifted almost on their own accord back to her scars. She pressed hard on one that protruded from her inner right thigh until tears rushed to her eyes, and when Olivia noticed, she took Alex's hands and kissed them.

"Don't, Alex."

Alex looked away. "What did I do wrong, Liv?" she asked, almost plaintively. She tried but failed to keep her voice from breaking. "She was fine on Friday, and today she won't even speak. What did I do?"

Olivia just sighed and brought Alex's hands to her lips again, gently kissing the pad of each finger. She couldn't find the perfect thing to say for this moment, and Alex was just breaking her heart. "It's not your fault," she finally said, tears rushing to her own eyes as she saw Alex sink further into herself, her blue eyes bright with pain.

"Don't cry, Liv. I'm sorry."

"No – sweetie, what happened to Lily isn't your fault, and we're going to get through it, together. We're a family, and that's what we do."

Alex nodded and snuggled closer to Olivia. "I love you so much," she whispered.

Olivia released Alex's hands, wrapping her arms around Alex instead, cradling her girlfriend in a protective embrace. "Lily's going to be okay, Alex. Don't worry. She's a strong kid, and she'll be fine."

"She's just a baby," Alex murmured.

"I know, baby. I know how much you love her, and I do, too, but just give it one more day and see what happens, okay? Just one more day."

Alex nodded and wrapped Olivia's arms more tightly around herself. "One more day," she said quietly before drifting off to sleep, safe in her girlfriend's arms.

* * *

The next day, Lily absolutely did not want to go to school. It was their routine for Olivia to get her ready in the morning and drop her off at school, but that morning, Lily was having none of it. She cried and clung to Alex until Alex finally got up. She dressed her limp daughter and set out a bowl of cereal which Lily wouldn't eat. "Baby, you have to go to school," Alex said, starting to get desperate.

Lily didn't meet her eyes, listlessly tracing circles on the kitchen table.

"Lily, we're leaving in five minutes. Would you like to bring Sara with you?"

Lily didn't answer.

Alex sighed. "If your shoes aren't on in five minutes, I'm going to put them on for you."

Five minutes later, Lily still hadn't moved. Alex put her bowl in the dishwasher and lifted Lily into her arms. Lily started to struggle in earnest, kicking at Alex and crying.

Alex held Lily away from her. "You do _not _hit me, Lily. That is unacceptable. If you have something to say to me, you can use your words, but we don't hit in this house." Of course, she realized how silly she was being. Lily obviously couldn't use her words, or else she would have.

Alex put Lily's shoes on for her and carried her still struggling daughter to the car. She buckled Lily into her booster seat and waited for Olivia.

Olivia climbed into the driver's seat several moments later. She took Alex's hand and squeezed it. "Sorry for bailing on you," she said with a slight smile.

Alex just sighed and leaned her head back against her seat. "One more day," she said to herself. "One more day."

* * *

When they arrived at Lily's school, Alex carried her inside. Lily wasn't fighting anymore; she just lay limply in Alex's arms. Alex knew on some level that this was a bad idea, that it wasn't worth the fight, that a missed day of kindergarten wasn't the end of the world, but she needed to do _something_. If she just let Lily sit around the house all day, nothing would change, and she had to give this a try.

When they got to Lily's classroom, the little girl started to tremble and hid behind Alex's leg, clinging tightly to her mother. Alex knelt and extricated Lily from her, looking right into Lily's eyes. "Sweetheart, what is it? You like school. Ms. Dannenfelt is here, and so is Lydia, and all your friends, and Ms. Dannenfelt told me you guys are going to the library today –"

Lily began to cry again, and a moment later, Ms. Dannenfelt walked over to them. She knelt so she was eye level with Lily. "Good morning, Lily," she said.

Lily whimpered and grabbed onto Alex again.

Ms. Dannenfelt looked at Alex. _Separation anxiety? _she mouthed.

Alex nodded.

Ms. Dannenfelt took Lily's hand. "Hey, Lily, do you want to be my helper this morning? Since you're such a good reader, I was wondering if you wanted to help me pick out a book to read to everyone."

Lily glanced back at Alex, her eyes still full of fear, but she went limp and let Ms. Dannenfelt lead her toward the bookshelf.

Alex took that moment to make her exit. Her stomach started to ache as she walked back out to the car. She'd gotten what she wanted, hadn't she? Then why did she feel so awful?

**Review for chapter fifty-seven!**


	57. Chapter 57

**Another filler. I'll try to get an actual substantive chapter up tomorrow or the next day.**

Alex tried desperately to hold back her tears as she walked out to the car where Olivia was waiting. When she saw the look on Olivia's face, she suddenly felt drained, lethargic. She couldn't handle this. The look of absolute betrayal on Lily's face as Alex left her kept floating in front of her eyes.

"Baby?" Olivia said quietly, reaching out to take Alex's hand. "How is she?"

Alex sighed, pulling her hand away from Olivia's. "Just take me home, Olivia."

Olivia caught Alex's eye. "Alex, if you want me to, I can take the morning off –"

"You don't need to babysit me," Alex snapped. "I can stay by myself."

"Alex," Olivia said gently. "That's not what I meant. I just thought, you know, you might want some company." She paused. "I wouldn't mind some company."

Alex turned her head away. "I'm sure Elliot won't mind, either."

Olivia sighed. "Okay, Lex. But you can call me if you need – if you want to talk, okay?"

Alex glared at her and opened the car door. "I'll walk." She slammed the door and stalked away, leaving Olivia staring after her and wondering what she'd done wrong.

* * *

Alex was functioning on pure adrenaline as she half-walked, half-ran home. She took the stairs up to her apartment, and the second she'd shut the door, her tears finally boiled over. They cascaded down her cheeks, blurring her vision and making it difficult for her to breathe. She collapsed on the couch and curled up in a ball, rocking herself back and forth as she cried. She'd been so horrible to Olivia. Olivia had just been trying to help her. She hadn't done anything wrong, but Alex had being nasty to her anyway. She wasn't mad at Olivia – she was mad at herself, for being so selfish, and for forcing Lily into something she wasn't comfortable with. If something happened today, she would never forgive herself.

She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. She had to make this right, with Olivia, at least. Taking out her cell phone, Alex attempted to steady her voice and quell the flow of her tears before dialing Olivia's cell phone number.

It rang twice before Olivia answered. "Benson."

"Liv, it's me."

Olivia's voice immediately softened. "Hey, sweetie. How's it going?"

"I'm okay." Alex took another breath. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I was angry and I was taking it out on you. You didn't do anything wrong." The apology came out more awkwardly than she would have liked, but it was out there, and that was enough.

"It's okay, baby." Olivia hesitated. "Do you want to talk about it?"

To her horror, Alex burst into tears. She was crying too hard to even answer Olivia.

"Alex, Alex, please don't cry. You don't need to talk if you don't want to. It's okay, baby, it's okay."

Alex's knees gave out and she fell back onto the couch, still holding the phone as her entire body shook with her sobs.

"Baby, I'm coming home. I'll be there in ten, okay?"

Alex nodded, too far gone to even verbally concur.

"I'll see you in a few minutes, sweetie. Don't go anywhere."

Alex lay her head down on the edge of the couch and covered her eyes, her body still trembling. She needed Olivia. She needed Olivia's comfort right now. She needed to be in Olivia's arms, with Olivia holding her close and keeping her safe. She didn't want to be by herself right now – she _couldn't _be by herself right now. She didn't know what she'd do if she was by herself right now, and that scared her most of all.

Moments later, she heard the key turn in the lock and Olivia's footsteps making their way toward her. Olivia's arms wrapped around her and Olivia kissed her forehead, gently stroking her hair as she whispered tender words of reassurance and comfort.

Alex leaned back into her and let Olivia brush away her tears. She felt her body begin to calm in Olivia's embrace, and she felt immediately ashamed of her weakness, of her dependence on Olivia. She was an adult. She shouldn't need Olivia like this. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and felt Olivia's grasp on her tighten.

"Don't be sorry, baby." Olivia gave her another kiss, continuing to thread her fingers through Alex's hair. "I'm here, Alex. I love you, and I'm here."

Alex curled further into Olivia, and they stayed like that for long moments. Finally, Olivia sat up and looked into Alex's eyes. She tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear.

"Baby, do you want to go out for a walk? Or we can just stay here and cuddle – that's fine with me –"

Alex shook her head. "You have work. I'm sorry I made you come home –"

"Alex, you didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. And I cleared it with Cragen – I have the day off."

Alex closed her eyes. "They need you there."

Olivia cupped Alex's cheek. "You need me here," was all she said, and it was just what Alex needed to hear.

**Review for chapter fifty-eight!**


	58. Chapter 58

Olivia went with Alex to pick Lily up from school. Alex was a nervous wreck, clutching Olivia's hand so tightly that Olivia's fingers went numb as they walked the ten blocks together.

Alex stopped short once they arrived in front of Lily's school. "Liv, what if she –?"

"Alex, I'm sure Lily's fine. If she wasn't, her teacher would have called us."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. Olivia was right, of course, but that didn't make her feel any better.

They went around to the side of the playground where the kindergarteners came out when it was time to go home, joining the group of other parents and nannies waiting for their children.

The bell rang to signal the end of the day for the kindergarteners and lunchtime for everyone else. Alex sucked in her breath and Olivia gave her hand a squeeze.

Moments later, Lily came bounding out the door, clutching Lydia's hand, beaming as she barreled toward Olivia and jumped into her arms. "Momma! How come you're not at work?"

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. Lily seemed like her normal self again, as if nothing had ever happened. It was unexpected but certainly not unwelcome, and Alex allowed herself to breathe freely again. They were okay.

Olivia brushed a strand of hair back from Lily's forehead and looked into her bright eyes. "I decided to take the day off and spend some time with you and Mommy."

"Can we go get hot chanilla?"

Olivia chuckled. "Demanding, are we?"

"No, I'm having a _craving_. Like Mommy does sometimes."

Alex laughed, too, the tension easing out of her body as she met her daughter's sparkling blue eyes. "When you put it that way . . . Liv, are you up for some hot chanilla?"

"Yeah, Momma! But we have to make sure they put in enough chocolate chips, 'cause last time it just tasted like hot vanilla, not hot _cha_nilla."

Olivia smiled. "Yes, boss. Starbucks or grocery store?"

"Starbucks!" Alex cleared her throat and Lily looked at her, smiling sweetly. "Isn't that such a good idea, Mommy?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "You're such a charmer. Just like your momma."

Olivia just laughed.

* * *

Ten minutes later, they sat at a table at Starbucks, Lily sitting on Alex's lap as she happily sipped her vanilla hot chocolate, chattering about her day. "And we did arts and crafts, and Ms. Dannenfelt said I could take out three books at the library! Jennifer read with me – she's a big girl, she's _ten_! She's my reading buddy. We read three chapters of _Arthur_ and she said I'm a really good reader. She gets to come back every Monday!" Lily took another sip and accidentally spilled some of her hot chocolate on her pants. Immediately her face crumpled and she started to cry. "Oops. Sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spill it."

Alex lifted Lily into her arms. "It's okay, sweetheart. Don't cry. I'll take you to the washroom; it'll come out with water. It's okay."

Lily nodded but kept crying, clinging to Alex's neck. Alex tried to push away the pang of concern at Lily's overemotional behavior today, but she knew it was better than Lily's behavior this morning and yesterday. She preferred this overemotional Lily to the silent one.

Lily was limp and silent as Alex dabbed at her wet pants with a towel, and Alex tried not to worry. Lily was fine. She wasn't regressing as she had yesterday, she really wasn't. She was okay.

"Okay, baby. All done. Come on. Let's go finish our hot chanilla."

Lily slipped her hand into Alex's and followed her mother back out to the table. She sat down on Alex's lap again and took a sip of her drink. "I'll be careful now, Mommy."

"Lily, do you want to see if Lydia can come over this weekend?" Olivia asked. "We could go see a movie."

Lily brightened. "Yeah! And I can show her Sara's new outfit. She didn't see it yet."

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Alex's anxiety still wasn't assuaged when they got home and Lily's good mood hadn't waned. "Momma, Mommy, can we play Go Fish?"

"In a few moments, sweetheart," Alex said. "I need to make a phone call first. Why don't you take out the cards and shuffle them?"

"Okay."

Alex went into the master bedroom and closed the door. She dialed the school's phone number and pressed Ms. Dannenfelt's extension. She wanted to find out what had happened at school this morning, and what had changed. Lily's transformation seemed to sudden, and Alex wanted to find out why.

Ms. Dannenfelt answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Ms. Dannenfelt, it's Alex Cabot calling. I was just wondering how Lily's morning went."

"She was having a bit of a hard time earlier, but after recess, she was fine."

"What happened at recess?"

"I'm not sure. She was playing with Lydia like she usually does. Those two are joined at the hip." Ms. Dannenfelt paused. "Why was she so upset this morning? She wouldn't tell me when I asked."

"She just had a rough weekend," Alex said vaguely. "But I think she's okay now."

"Mommy!" Lily called from the other room. "The game's ready! Come play."

"Thank you, Ms. Dannenfelt," Alex said.

"Lily's a pleasure to teach, Ms. Cabot. I'm glad she's feeling better."

Alex hung up the phone and went to the family room where Lily and Olivia were waiting. She forced a smile and sat down beside Olivia, leaning against the couch. Olivia wrapped an arm around her. "You okay, baby?"

Alex nodded and turned to Lily. "Ready to play?"

**Review for chapter fifty-nine!**


	59. Chapter 59

Alex couldn't sleep that night. Irrational as she knew it was, she couldn't stop worrying about Lily. She tossed and turned until Olivia finally gave up trying to hold her and said, "Alex, you know I love you, but if you can't stay still, you're sleeping on the couch."

Alex closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. It's just – Lily."

"I know, baby. But she's okay. She's perfectly fine. She's talking again – she's happy."

Alex shook her head. "I don't think so, Liv. Something's wrong."

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Baby, try to sleep now. It's three in the morning and we've got to get up in four and a half hours. We can talk about this tomorrow morning."

Alex sighed. "I'm going to check on her."

Olivia sighed, too. "Okay." She let go of Alex and watched her girlfriend leave the room.

Alex returned a moment later, walking as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. "She's asleep," she said quietly.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex again. "As she should be. It's three in the morning, sweetie."

Alex curled up against Olivia's side. "I'm sorry. I know I'm keeping you up."

"It's okay, baby. I love you, and I'm here. No matter what time it is."

Alex sighed again and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Goodnight, Liv."

"'Night, baby."

But try as she might, Alex couldn't manage to fall asleep.

* * *

The next day, Lily was back to her normal cheery self. Olivia decided to take the day off work again, not because she was worried about Lily, but because she was worried about Alex and felt that her girlfriend might need her today. "You don't have to," was Alex's predictable response when Olivia told her, but Olivia waved away her protests.

"I want to."

They dropped Lily off for school and spent the morning together, walking around Central Park and just enjoying each other's company.

Olivia needed to go grocery shopping, so Alex went to pick Lily up from school herself. They walked home together, Lily happily chattering about her day and skipping alongside Alex. Alex felt her fears start to diminish. Lily seemed just fine. She'd been making a big deal out of nothing. As usual.

When they got home, Alex cut up some fruit for Lily to have for a snack and sat with her while she ate. "Mommy, we got _homework _today! We have a math sheet. It's silly, though. We just get to add baby numbers, like one plus one and two plus two. I already know that. We did blocks at school for adding, but I already know it."

Alex smiled at her. "You're very advanced for your age, Lily, but most of the kids in your class don't know that stuff."

"Mommy, you said _stuff_!"

Alex chuckled. "Sorry, baby, but I have to tell you – I don't _always _speak perfectly precisely."

"What's _precisely_?"

"Using the perfect word for what you want to say."

"Well, you usually speak _precisely_."

"Usually." The phone rang, then, and Alex got up. "I'm going to get the phone. Finish your strawberries, okay?"

Lily nodded and put one in her mouth. "They're yummy, Mommy."

Alex gave her another smile and went to get the phone.

Ms. Dannenfelt was on the other end. "Ms. Cabot, I'm going to be frank," she said. "Today at recess, one of the other teachers found Lydia and Lily in the bushes behind the hill. They were – well, they were both undressed and Lily was penetrating Lydia with a branch." She took a breath. "Obviously it's normal for four-year-olds to be curious about their bodies and to play doctor games, but this seemed like more than that. I discussed it with Lily and she said they were just playing like mommies and daddies do. She knows that it's inappropriate to play those kinds of games, especially at school, but I thought you should know."

Alex's eyes widened and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Lily was acting out what had happened to Alex by hurting Lydia! She couldn't let that continue to happen. She just couldn't. And it was all her fault. "Thank you for calling," she managed. "I'll talk to Lily about it."

She went back into the kitchen and found Lily munching on her strawberries, oblivious to the tension Alex felt. Suddenly, Alex was furious. How could Lily do such a thing? How long had this been going on for?

"Lily," she said, trying to keep her voice even. "What happened at school today?"

"We did math and I went to the library and checked out _Junie B. Jones_ and we –"

"At recess."

"Lydia and I were playing a game. I showed her how mommies and daddies play. That's what friends do, too."

Alex was filled to the core with fear. How could? – how did? – how could she? – no. No, this couldn't be allowed. It would break her. It would break Olivia. Jumbled thoughts swirled around her mind and she tried to bring herself back to Earth.

"Lily," she said, her voice sounding weak and faraway to her own ears. "You must never, ever do that again." Before she even knew what she was doing, she had pulled Lily over her lap and was spanking her hard, repeating over and over, "You must never, ever do that again."

Lily was squirming over her lap and screaming as Alex spanked her. "Mommy, stop! You're hurting me! Mommy, don't hurt me! I won't do it again, I'm sorry! Mommy, it hurts!"

Then Olivia was standing in the doorway, carrying several bags of groceries. She dropped them and her eyes widened when she saw Lily and Alex. "Alex," she said firmly, "the no hitting rule in this house applies to Lily and I, but it applies to you, too."

And those words jolted Alex back to reality. She let go of Lily and burst into tears.

Lily scampered toward Olivia, wrapping her arms around the detective's legs as she continued to cry. "Mommy hurt me," she whimpered.

"I know, baby, but you're okay." Olivia lifted Lily into her arms and kissed the crown of her head before turning to Alex. "Alex, I'm taking Lily out for ice cream. By the time we get back, you are going to have regained control of yourself, and we are going to have a long talk."

Olivia left Alex there and carried Lily down to the car. "Momma, Mommy said she'd never hurt me! She lied."

"I know, sweetheart, and what she did was wrong. We're going to talk about that."

"I don't want to go home! I want to stay with you."

"Well, I'm going home after this, so if you want to stay with me, you're going to have to come home."

Lily shook her head. "No, Momma! I'm scared."

Olivia buckled Lily into her booster seat. "Sweetheart, can you tell me what happened today?"

"Mommy hurt me."

"Before that, Lil. Why was Mommy upset?"

Lily began to cry again. "I don't know! She picked me up from school we went home and then she got a phone call and then she asked me how my day was and I told her she hurt me."

"Who was on the phone?"

"Ms. Dannenfelt."

"And what did Ms. Dannenfelt talk to her about?"

"I don't know! I wasn't there."

"Okay. What happened at school today?"

Lily thought back. "We did arts and crafts and we made _self-portraits_. We went to the library and I checked out _Junie B. Jones_. Lydia and I played together at recess. We had gym and we played dodge ball, and my team won. We learned the letter _D_, 'cept I already know it, so Ms. Dannenfelt said I could help her. We did adding, but only baby numbers. Ms. Dannenfelt read us _Miss Nelson Is Missing _and we had centers. I did the building center and the computer center, and Jackson and I listened to Robert Munch."

Olivia considered each thing and tried to figure out what had set Alex off. "What did you do with Lydia?"

"We were playing house. I showed her what mommies and daddies do."

Then Olivia got it. "You were the daddy and she was the mommy?"

Lily nodded.

"And you did what the man did to Mommy?"

Lily nodded again. "But we were just playing!"

Olivia sighed. They reached the ice cream parlor and she helped Lily out of the car. Lily clutched her hand as they walked inside and ordered their ice cream.

They sat down at a table and Lily curled up on Olivia's lap, sniffling as she licked her ice cream. "Mommy hurt me," she repeated.

"Sweetie, Ms. Dannenfelt told Mommy how you'd been playing, and Mommy got scared. Remember how I explained to you about her having nightmares during the day?"

"Yeah."

"Mommy had another nightmare, except in this nightmare, she thought you were the man, and she was hurting you because she thought she was hurting the man."

Lily scrunched up her face. "That's silly."

"I know, sweetie, but that's how Mommy felt."

"No. Mommy doesn't love me anymore."

"Baby, of course Mommy loves you."

Lily shook her head. "People who love you don't hurt you. That's what you told me, and that's what Ms. Dannenfelt says."

"She's usually right, Lil, but what Mommy did today was an accident. She didn't mean to hurt you."

"No. A accident is when you accidentally step on my toe or pull my hair when you're brushing it. Not when you hit me."

Olivia sighed. What could she say to that? Lily was right. "I promise, Lily, Mommy will never hurt you again."

"But you said that before, too."

"Baby, what you did with Lydia really scared Mommy. That's why she had a nightmare during the day and ended up hurting you."

"But then how I do I know that's not going to happen again?"

Olivia sighed. The truth was simply that she didn't.

**Review for chapter sixty!**


	60. Chapter 60

Olivia took Lily to the library after they finished their ice cream, and they stayed there for several hours, filing methodically through the children's books to find ones Lily hadn't read.

Once Olivia decided that they'd had enough time to cool down, she took Lily home. Lily fell asleep in the car, and Olivia carried her to her bed. Lily woke up as Olivia tucked her in and began to tremble. "Momma, stay with me!"

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. Let's get you into your pyjamas." Olivia handed Lily her pyjamas, and as Lily started to change into them, she noticed three deep, finger-shaped bruises coloring Lily's backside, and several more lining her lower back. She winced, but didn't say anything.

She tucked Lily in for a nap and stayed with her until she fell asleep, then went to find Alex.

Alex was in the master bedroom, curled up on the bed and shivering, her eyes wide with fear.

"Alex, we need to talk," Olivia said quietly, pushing away her sympathy for now. There were things that needed to be said first.

Alex nodded mutely and sat up on the edge of the bed.

Olivia sat down on the other side of the bed and held her gaze. "What you did today was unacceptable. I understand why you did it, but that doesn't make it okay. You really hurt Lily, but more than that, you scared her. We discussed this, Alex. We said we weren't going to hit her, ever."

Alex hung her head. "I know. I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed. "But even if we had agreed that spanking was an acceptable method of discipline, you hit her really hard, Alex. You left _bruises_, and that's definitely not acceptable. And Lily didn't even know what she'd done wrong, so I don't think it taught her anything except that she should be scared of you. I know that wasn't your intention, but that's how she feels. She's just a baby, Alex, and I think you hurt her more than you meant to. When you leave bruises, that isn't a spanking. That's abuse and it's not okay. You weren't hurting her because you were punishing her – you were hurting her because you were angry and out of control. And if you can't control yourself around her –"

Alex's eyes widened. "Please, ma'am, please don't take her away from me! I know I haven't been a good mother, I know I've hurt her, I know I don't deserve her, or you, but I don't know – I don't know what I'd do without you! Please, ma'am!"

Olivia sighed. "I'm not going to leave you, Alex, but I need to know that you are never going to hurt our daughter ever again."

"No, ma'am. I won't, ever, I promise. I didn't – I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking – I'm so sorry!"

Olivia softened. "Sweetheart, I know you were scared, but you can't punish Lily just because you're scared. It just confuses her and frightens her, and that isn't the point. She didn't know what she was doing was wrong. She thought she was just playing, because that's what she's seen, and she thinks that's what grownups do. I talked to Lily and she knows it's not acceptable behaviour, but she honestly wasn't trying to hurt anyone. She was just acting out what she saw, which is unfortunate, but she wasn't trying to misbehave."

Alex dropped her eyes. "I know," she whispered. "I hurt Lily. You should punish me."

Olivia sighed again and slid over to Alex, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. "No, baby. I think you've been punished enough."

"But I –"

"Alex, I know what you did and you know what you did. That doesn't change how I feel about you." Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "When Lily wakes up, I think you should go talk to her."

"She won't –"

"Alex, she's a child. She's not going to hold a grudge for long."

Alex hung her head. "But she won't forget."

"No, she won't. But we need to fix this, and you need to tell Lily that you still love her. Right now she's feeling like you don't, and you need to tell her you do."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex murmured, hunching her shoulders in shame.

"Alex, we discussed this. You don't have to call me _ma'am_."

Alex curled into herself and started to rock back and forth. "I'm sorry."

Olivia put a hand on Alex's shoulder to still her. "Baby, it's okay." Then she paused and amended, "No, it's not _okay_, but I still love you and we're going to get through this together. I know you won't hurt Lily again and I'm here to help you with whatever you need. You have an appointment with Dr. Konikoff on Thursday, and we're going to discuss this with her and see what she suggests."

Alex nodded mutely.

"Okay." She opened her arms. "Come here, sweetheart."

Alex crawled over to her, allowing herself to accept the comfort Olivia was offering, even though she knew she didn't deserve it. She buried her face in Olivia's chest and let Olivia soothe her guilt and shame. Alex knew she'd done something absolutely horrible, and yet here was Olivia, stroking her hair and promising that she still loved her and always would. Olivia really did love her, even now.

She just didn't understand.

When Alex's body had finally stopped trembling, Olivia gently lifted her chin and kissed her forehead. "I think you should go talk to Lily now, baby."

Alex nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Olivia sighed. "I'm going to start dinner. Is chicken okay?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Olivia put her hand on Alex's shoulder and turned her so that their eyes met. "I love you, Alex," she said quietly, and kissed Alex's cheek.

Alex dropped her gaze. "I love you, too," she whispered.

Olivia cupped her cheek. "Nothing will ever change that, Alex. Ever. You're my Alex and I love you so, so much. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Alex's eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's. "Will you – will you come with me? Please?"

"To talk to Lily?"

Alex nodded. "Please."

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "Of course, baby."

Alex slipped her hand into Olivia's and they walked toward Lily's room. Olivia knocked on the door.

"Lily, it's me. May I come in?"

"Yeah."

Olivia opened the door and found Lily sitting on the floor, playing with her dolls. She had her American Girl doll over her lap and was simulating a spanking.

Olivia closed her eyes and counted to three to calm herself. "Lily, Mommy and I need to talk to you for a moment."

Lily looked up and ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist as tears began to run down her cheeks. "Mommy, don't be mad at me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad!"

Alex lifted Lily into her arms. "I'm not mad at you, baby." She kissed Lily's forehead. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

Lily buried her face in her mother's neck. "Hurts," she whispered.

"I know it does, sweetheart. I am so, so sorry. I know you didn't mean to hurt Lydia."

Lily shook her head. "We were playing Mommy and Daddy."

"Lily, remember what I told you about mommies and daddies?" Olivia asked.

"Uh-uh."

"Mommies and daddies love each other, and they don't hurt each other."

"But I wasn't –"

"You weren't trying to, Lily, but I think you did hurt Lydia."

"I was just showing her what the man did. She asked me to!"

"What did you tell her about the man, Lily?" Alex asked.

"That he's my daddy."

"He's _not _your daddy, Olivianna. You don't have a daddy. You have Momma and me. Two mommies. No daddy."

Lily began to cry again at the acerbity in her mother's voice. "I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't hurt me. I already hurt."

Alex swallowed hard. "I shouldn't have hurt you, Lily. I won't do it again." She realized then that Lily truly didn't understand what she'd done wrong. She'd messed up big time. "Baby, I'll put on some cream to make you feel better. Lie down on the bed for me, okay?"

She felt ill as Lily did as she was told and she saw eight deep bruises coloring her fair skin. She hadn't been hitting _that _hard, had she? She really had left bruises, and hurt Lily badly.

Olivia got the cream and Alex applied it as gently as she could. "I love you, sweetheart," she said.

"But Lily, you aren't allowed to play those games with Lydia – or anyone else – ever again," Olivia said. "And if you do, no one's going to hurt you, but Mommy and I will take Sara away until you can behave better. Those games hurt. They hurt Mommy and they hurt your friends."

"Then how come the man played them with Mommy?"

"Because he was a very bad man, Lily," Olivia said. "But you're not a bad girl. You are a very, very good girl, and I know you're not going to do that again. You aren't like the man."

Lily curled up on Alex's lap. "I'm sorry I was bad, Mommy. Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you, Lily, I promise. You made a mistake by hurting Lydia and I made a mistake by hurting you, but we're not going to keep bringing that up. It's okay." She kissed her daughter's hair. "I won't hurt you again, Lily. Never."

Lily sniffled. "I won't hurt Lyddie, Mommy. I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't, baby." Alex gave Lily a hug. "Are you hungry, Lily? If you like, we can make strawberry banana smoothies with dinner."

"Can Sara help?"

"Of course. What would we do without Sara?"

Lily lifted her doll onto her lap. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Sara," she told her doll. "I won't do it again."

Alex smiled weakly and tucked a strand of Lily's hair behind her ear. "Good girl."

Lily slipped one hand into Alex's and the other one into Olivia's and followed her mothers to the kitchen to help them make dinner.

**Review for chapter sixty-one!**


	61. Chapter 61

That night, after Lily was sound asleep and both of them were exhausted, Olivia suggested that she and Alex got to bed too. Alex, still consumed with guilt for hurting Lily, nodded mutely and followed her girlfriend into the bedroom. She changed into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, then curled up on the floor beside the bed.

Olivia sighed. So they were starting this again. They'd been doing so well, and now it seemed that Alex had taken a giant step backward. She knelt down beside her girlfriend. "Baby, you can sleep in the bed with me. It's your bed, too."

Alex shook her head and dropped her eyes. "I'm okay."

"No, baby. It's cold on the floor. And I want to hold you tonight. If you'll let me."

Alex hunched her shoulders. "You should punish me," she said again.

"I'm not going to punish you. I will never hurt you, Alex. Never ever, I promise."

"I promised Lily."

"You made a mistake, and that's all. I'm not going to keep holding it against you."

Alex looked away. "I have to be punished."

"No, sweetheart." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Alex started to tremble, and Olivia thought her closeness might be scaring Alex and let go.

She got up, and Alex curled further into herself, tucking her chin to her chest and shivering. Olivia sighed again and picked up a pillow from the bed and slid it beneath Alex's head. She grabbed another pillow for herself and a blanket, then lay down beside her girlfriend and draped the blanket over both of them. She fitted her body against Alex's and gently rubbed her arms to warm them up. "If you don't want to sleep in the bed with me, I'll sleep here with you," Olivia said quietly. "I love you, Alex, no matter what."

Alex flinched but didn't pull away. As ashamed as she was, as undeserving as she felt, she had to admit that she enjoyed the comfort Olivia was offering. She needed it now more than ever. How could Olivia always tell?

* * *

Olivia woke up at three in the morning to screaming that seemed to be coming from Lily's bedroom. She was immediately on alert and shook Alex awake. "Lex, I think Lily's having a nightmare. Do you want to go check on her?"

Alex ducked her head in shame. "She'll be afraid," she said softly. "You go."

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Okay, baby. I'll be right back."

Olivia tucked the blanket tightly around Alex and went to Lily's room. She found her daughter thrashing in her bed as tears streaked down her cheeks. "Mommy, no!" she was saying as she lashed out at invisible demons. "It hurts! Don't hurt me."

Olivia swallowed hard and sat down beside Lily, taking the little girl into her arms and gently rubbing her back in an attempt to wake her. She wondered for a moment how many times Lily – and Alex – had said those very same words to the man who had hurt them, but quickly pushed away the thought. "Baby, it's okay. No one's going to hurt you," she said quietly. "It's just a dream, princess. It's okay."

Lily's eyes flew open and she started to cry, wrapping her arms tightly around Olivia's neck. "Momma, I hurt," she whimpered, slipping her thumb into her mouth.

"I know, princess. I'm sorry."

"Don't let her hurt me anymore, Momma. I hurt."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Mommy's not going to hurt you, Lily, I promise."

"You promised before."

Olivia sighed. "Do you want me to stay with you until you fall back asleep?"

Lily shook her head and pulled away from Olivia, rolling onto her side and facing the wall. "No."

"Okay." Lily stiffened as Olivia leaned down to kiss her forehead, and Olivia tucked Lily's doll under her arm before she went back to her own room.

She found Alex curled up on the ground, exactly where Olivia had left her. Alex was trembling and rocking herself slightly as she cried. She was trying to be quiet about it, but Olivia could hear her barely suppressed sobs.

Olivia lay down beside her and gently stroked Alex's hair. "Shh, baby. It's okay. Lily's fine."

Alex lifted her tearstained face so she could meet Olivia's eyes. "She had a nightmare. About me."

Olivia sighed again. "Try to sleep, baby. I'll hold you if you want me to."

Alex shook her head and got up from their makeshift bed on the floor. She went to the closet and found one of Olivia's belts, then brought it out to her. She knelt beside Olivia and dropped her gaze as she handed her girlfriend the belt. "Please," she whispered.

"_No_, Alex. No. I won't hurt you. Ever."

"You – you have to –"

"Alex, I won't. I _won't_. I could never do that to you." Olivia's voice softened. "If I hurt you, I would never be able to forgive myself, baby. Because that's wrong. Please try to understand."

Alex whimpered, and before Olivia had a chance to stop her, she'd wrapped the belt around her right hand and swung it hard. The belt curved and connected with Alex's upper back, landing with a hard thwack. A perfect welt formed where the belt had hit, and as Alex drew her hand back to strike herself again, Olivia regained control of her emotions and reached out to take Alex's hand.

"Alex, _stop_. This isn't right. You don't have to punish yourself. I love you, Alex. I love you, I love you, I love you, and I can't just stand here and watch you hurt yourself."

At that, Alex's body went limp. She sank to her knees and Olivia gently pried the belt from her hand before folding Alex into her warm embrace. She tried not to show Alex how much her girlfriend's actions had hurt her, how much they had terrified her. She couldn't show Alex her own fears. She needed to be strong for her girlfriend. This wasn't about her; it was about Alex. Alex was more important.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Shh, sweetie, it's all right. It's over. You're okay." She snuck glance at the welt on Alex's back, decided it was superficial and would heal on it's own, and hugged Alex tighter. "I love you, Alex, so much." She paused for a moment. "I think Lily should stay home from school tomorrow, Lex. Just to give everyone and everything a day to cool off. Maybe I'll take her into the station – she's never really met John or Fin or the captain, just seen them in passing. Would you like to come with us?"

Alex shook her head. "You should arrest me," she whispered. "For assaulting my baby."

"Alex –" Olivia sighed and tried again. "If you don't want to come, I won't make you. But everyone really misses you. Even Donnelly misses you." She'd hoped that would coax a smile from Alex, but her girlfriend didn't seem to be listening. She abandoned her attempt to distract Alex and rubbed comforting circles into Alex's back instead. "I love you," she said for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight. "You're my Alex and I will always love you. Today and every day."

Finally, Alex turned her head to face Olivia. She tried to smile through her tears and her eyes focused on Olivia's, losing their glassy sheen. "You're my Olivia and I will always love you. Today and every day."

**Review for chapter sixty-two!**


	62. Chapter 62

The next morning, Alex was still sleeping when Lily bounded into their bedroom. She wrinkled her nose when she saw her mothers sleeping on the floor and situated herself between them. "Momma," she whispered, shaking Olivia awake.

"Shh, baby. Don't wake Mommy. What is it?"

"I'm late for school."

Olivia sighed. "You're not going to school today, Lil."

"How come?"

"Because I thought we would go down to the station and I could introduce you to some of my friends. Elliot will be there, but I don't think you've met Munch or Fin?"

"Munch?"

"That's one of my friends' names. John Munch."

Lily giggled. "If he had kids, they'd be munchies! Or munchkins. Like in _The Wizard Of Oz_."

Olivia smiled. "That's right. So are you game?"

Lily beamed. "I'm _game_." Then her brow creased. "Is Mommy coming?"

"Do you want her to?"

"I don't want to leave her by herself. She'll be lonely."

Olivia smiled sadly. Lily was such a sweet kid. "Sweetie, don't worry about Mommy. Do you want to spend the day just the two of us or do you want me to ask Mommy if she wants to come with?"

"Ask Mommy."

"Okay. Why don't we have some breakfast and then we'll wake up Mommy and ask her if she wants to come?"

"Momma, how come you and Mommy are sleeping on the floor?"

"We're having a sleepover, Lil. Maybe sometime you can invite Lydia over and you guys can have a sleepover, too." Then Olivia winced, remembering the previous day. No, they weren't going to be having a sleepover with Lydia anytime soon.

"Momma? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, baby." Olivia slipped her hand into Lily's. "Ready to go eat?"

* * *

After they finished breakfast, Lily brought Alex a bowl of cereal and a banana on a tray. She carried it carefully into the master bedroom and sat down beside Alex. "Mommy, I made you breakfast. Well, Momma helped, too."

Alex flinched at the sound of Lily's voice, but once she recognized it as her daughter's, she opened her eyes and tried to smile. "Thank you, sweetheart."

Lily lay down beside Alex and wrapped her arms around her. "I love you, Mommy."

"Oh, baby, I love you, too. Always."

Lily curled up against Alex's side. "Momma says she's gonna take me to her work today. Wanna come?"

"I don't think so, baby. You have your day with Momma. I'll just stay here."

"Then maybe I'll stay here, too. I don't want you to be lonely."

"I won't be lonely, sweetheart. Don't worry about me. You have a nice day with Momma."

"But Mommy, I want to be with you." Lily's face fell as something occurred to her. "Don't you want to be with me?"

"Of course I do, baby. But I'm not feeling so well today."

"I'm sorry for making you not feel well, Mommy. I didn't mean to –"

"Lily, it's not your fault I'm not feeling well. I just have a headache this morning, okay? Remember how I have headaches sometimes?"

Lily's eyes widened and she shook her head. "No, you didn't have a headache since we were with the man! Mommy, I didn't mean to be like the man! I'm sorry!"

"Sweetheart, no. It's not your fault. I know you're not like the man. Sometimes adults just have headaches sometimes, like you sometimes have stomachaches. It's okay, Lily. You go and have your day with Momma."

Lily hung her head. "Okay," she whispered.

"Lily, I still love you," Alex said, holding Lily close. "I just really have a headache this morning."

Lily sniffled. "'Kay. I love you, too, Mommy."

Olivia came into the room a moment later and smiled when she found her girls curled up together. "Hey, baby," she said to Alex, kneeling beside her and leaning down to kiss her cheek. "You coming with us today?"

Alex shook her head. "Not today, Liv."

"Okay, sweetie. Lily and I are going to go in a minute, but you can call me if you need anything and I'll come right home."

Alex nodded. "Okay, Liv. I'm fine. You go with Lily."

Olivia held her hand out to Lily. "Ready to go, Lil?"

Lily glanced at Alex one last time before taking Olivia's hand. "Yeah."

* * *

Lily clung to Olivia's hand as they walked toward the police station. "Momma, is this your work?"

"Yeah, baby. This is where I work."

"There's so many people."

"Yeah, there are." Olivia steered Lily toward her own desk. "This is my desk."

Lily beamed and pointed to a picture frame on the desk. "Look, Momma! There's me and Mommy!"

"Yup. So I can always have you with me even when I'm not with you." Olivia pointed across the room. "There are John and Fin. Do you want to come say hi to them."

Lily nodded and skipped across the room with Olivia, but she hid behind her mother's leg when they got closer.

"Hey, guys," Olivia said to them.

They smiled at her. "And is this beautiful young lady the infamous Lily?" John asked, kneeling so he was eye level with Lily.

Lily smiled shyly. "Momma, what's _infamous_?"

"Well-known. It's because I talk about you all the time," Olivia explained. "This is John and that's Fin. They're my friends."

Lily peeked at John. "Are you Mommy's friend, too?"

"Yes, I am your mommy's friend too," John said.

Lily held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you," she said politely.

John chuckled. "Hey, you and Cabot have done well, Liv."

Olivia swelled with pride. "Can you say hi to Fin, too, Lily?"

Lily held her hand out to Fin. "Nice to meet you, too."

Olivia smiled at her. "Good girl."

"Momma –" Lily held out her arms and Olivia lifted her daughter onto her hip.

"Yeah, baby?"

Lily rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Just wanted you to carry me."

"Well, seems like you've got your wish."

Lily giggled. "You have nice friends, Momma."

Olivia shifted Lily on her hip. "Yeah, I do."

"And they're Mommy's friends, too."

"That's right. Everyone here loves Mommy."

"As much as we do?"

"It's a different kind of love, baby. Just like you love Dickie and Lizzie differently than you love Mommy and me."

"Yeah, 'cause you're my Momma. You're my only momma and Mommy's my only mommy."

Olivia smiled. "That's right."

They went to say hello to Captain Cragen, and Lily repeated her "nice to meet you" routine, which earned a nod of approval from the captain. Then suddenly, she went still and started to tremble. "Momma, I want to go home."

Olivia was immediately on alert. "What's wrong, baby?"

"He's going to hurt Mommy," she whispered, wrapping her arms around Olivia's legs. "Don't let him hurt Mommy!"

"Who, baby? Captain Cragen isn't going to hurt Mommy. He's Mommy's friend, remember?"

"No –" Lily pointed at a men Elliot was leading into the station, his hands cuffed behind his back. She began to cry. "Don't let him hurt Mommy!"

Then it occurred to Olivia. The man must look like the man who had hurt her girls so badly. "Baby, that's not the man. He's a different man, I promise."

"No, Momma –"

Olivia sighed and lifted Lily up again. "I think it's time to go," she said quietly to the captain.

He nodded. "I'll see you later, Olivia. Don't rush to come back. Take care of your family first."

Olivia smiled weakly. "I know." She rubbed Lily's back. "It's okay, baby. We're leaving."

Lily kept crying as Olivia buckled her into her car seat and drove home. "Mommy, Mommy," she kept saying.

"Lily, Mommy's fine, I promise," Olivia tried to assure her, but Lily wasn't listening.

When they got home, Lily immediately ran into the master bedroom and jumped into Alex's arms. Her cries intensified when she reached her mother, and it wasn't until Olivia came into the bedroom herself that she realized why.

Alex's beautiful blonde hair had been crudely shorn and her face was wet with tears. She clung to her daughter, both of them crying in each other's arms.

"Alex, what did you _do_?" The words were out of her mouth before she could help them, and Alex began to tremble.

"Lily, go to your room for a few minutes," Olivia said as calmly as she could. "Mommy's fine. I'll be there in a moment."

"No, the man –"

"Lily, _go_."

Lily let go of Alex and scampered toward her room.

"Alex, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, turning her attention to the sobbing woman standing in front of her. "What is it, baby? Talk to me?"

Alex shook her head and leaned back against Olivia, burying her face in the detective's shoulder.

"Okay, baby. It's okay." Olivia held her tightly. "Breathe for me, Alex. Just breathe."

Alex sank into her, continuing to sob in Olivia's embrace. Olivia held her, rubbing comforting circles into her back until she finally calmed.

"Sweetheart," she asked once she felt Alex's body relax. "What happened?"

Alex nodded. "I'm sorry, ma'am," she whispered, leaning closer to Olivia.

Olivia sighed. "Alex, what's wrong?"

"I had to be – I had to be punished." Alex began to cry again. "I'm sorry, ma'am! I know I – I scared Lily and I – I'm sorry! Don't be angry, please."

Olivia held her close. "Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you. I'm really not. I'm just . . . concerned. That's all."

"I – my master – he made me – he made me cut my hair. Or he – he cut it for me. That was – it was horrible. I used to – I used to –" She smiled weakly. "I used to run my fingers through my hair and pretend it was you."

Olivia smiled back and hugged Alex more tightly. "You don't need to be punished, baby. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I never, ever want to see you in pain."

Alex ducked her head in shame and curled further into Olivia.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's cheek. "I can make you an appointment at the hairdresser's to get your hair evened out tomorrow, baby."

Alex shook her head. "Leave it," she said softly.

"No, sweetie. No." She knew that Alex was trying to punish herself, again, and that made her heart ache. "You don't need to be punished, baby, not at all. Not ever."

Alex raised her head. "I'm even uglier now," she said, with something that sounded almost like satisfaction creeping into her voice.

"_No_, Alex. You're not ugly, not at all. I just know that the man who hurt you made you keep your hair like this, and I know you don't like it. That's all. You hurt yourself, baby, and that makes me very, very sad."

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't – I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh, Alex." Olivia held her closer, wondering how things had gotten so bad so quickly.

**Review for chapter sixty-three!**


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